OK, let me see if I can recreate what I attempt to post before...
Quoting jethro: What were the circumstances for each day that made you feel the way you did?
As I chronicled in my previous thread, I have felt my W pull steadily away since March. In mid-May, when she announce, "She can't fight "it" anymore.", she completely detacted emotionally and physically and hadn't initiated any such connections since, until a couple of weeks ago, when I mentioned she's started tapping me on the shoulder and asking for a dance every now and again. By that, I meant she started initiating emotional connections again. Taking my hand here, giving me a kiss there...
Plus all that time, I continue helping out with whatever chore she was doing when I am home. However, I wasn't getting any assistance in whatever tasks I took on. [ie, while I would do yard work, she would stay inside and read a book. She hasn't once helped me clean my truck, but did ask if I would wash her Jeep for her.] Lately, she has been getting more involved, like when I mowed the lawn last time, she weeded the garden.
However, last Wednesday, I could feel her pull away again and she didn't tap me on the shoulder that day. Thursday, she was in a foul mood and no interest in talking to me or beinging around me at all and is what I meant by she left the dance floor.
Quoting jethro: I'm a little unclear. In the letter your W wrote, did she actually talk about OM, or did she just say she wanted her D to come back because she's the only one with whom she can talk? Also, just out of curiosity, what is the reason her D wants to move back in 6 months?
Last fall, when everything seemed great in "Oz", D23 moved out and head to Pittsburgh to live with her father & brother. In W's journal, when she expressed she felt like she needed to leave M again, she made mention of how she wished D23 would come back. In her last entry, as she was writing how she wished to spend more time with OM, she added maybe she could go visit D23 for a weekend and bring OM with her. As I mentioned before, I began to sense the journaling was a way to help sort out her feelings so she can make come up with a plan. Two weeks later is when she wrote the letter. My take on this is she has now made her decisions and now is taking steps move forward with her plan. In the letter, she expressed if she can get the money together she would like to come for a visit and maybe she might be bringing a "guest". She also wrote call me during the day to talk, so KAW won't be around ... so when she told me of D23's plans to come back to the area in six months, my thoughts went directly to "So they now worked out a plan together and this is the next step."
Quoting jethro: Although I understand why you are concerned about this 6-9 month window, I simply want to caution you against jumping to conclusions ... We all know what a dead-end that can lead to.
That's my point J, I know this is all conjecture on my part, and normally, I am able to dismiss these thoughts quickly, but this time I having a real difficult time letting them go.
Quoting jethro: How have your W's panic attacks been lately? Isn't there a pattern between her panic attacks getting more severe as she begins to think/journal more about OM?
I thought it might be possible ... then I thought the connection might be when she tries to muster up the nerve to tell me its over ... recently, she told me she believes it related to her monthly cycle, however, she has a couple of them every week, but there are times when they tend to be more frequent. Guess what's coming up? ... and she's starting with little tremors, like before the big one strikes. She did see her doctor last week and he prescribed Xanax (sp?), but she's afraid to take it. He also suggested she see her OBGYN.
Quoting jethro: Honestly, it seems to me that if your W was furthering her plans about moving on, the following would NOT be happening: "Slowly, but steadily OR seems to be improving as W gradually seems to be softening."
Thing is, your trust continues to get undermined as you continue to read her journal ... Do you think you'd be interpreting her actions in the same way? Instinctively, how do you feel, KAW? Do you feel like she's coming around or do you feel like things from a year ago are resurfacing big-time? What's your gut?
That's really the crux of my trouble now! I can't help but compare her actions of the last couple of months to that of the first half of last year and what I read in her journal just re-enforces that! I know in my gut I still feel there's a good chance she might come around, but I've repeated this cycle once too many times and now my head is in permanent self-protection mode saying I can be going thru this all over again in another 6-9 months and will not allow me to go with my gut.
This is why on your thread, I said I don't know if I will ever be convince that my W will ever really love me again ... and to talitsa & shiny(I bet you gals thought I forgot about ya), I'm game to list the small ways my W may now be showing me signs of love, but it doesn't change that I figuratively picture my W picking the pedals of a daisy over the past two years, chanting, "I love him, I love him not..." and I don't see the end in sight yet ... at least for the next year or so. ... and I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this?
Another words, for the last two weeks, my W has been steadily doing some 180's to show me she is trying to reconnect emotionally and physically again, but now I feel I can't trust that they are real or more importantly ... that they will last! ... talk about DBing irony!!!
Wow, I think I got all I wrote in the original post.
Will be having a good time tomorrow spending the day with family at the fair. Hope all of you have a good day too.
