RJD & Jackie, I missed you both with my last posting. Rob, I like your thinking about turning those landmines into pots of gold ... wouldn't that be a great title for an upcoming thread?!
Slowly, but steadily OR seems to be improving as W gradually seems to be softening. I still can't help but feel like she trying to resist it tho to some degree. Last Wednesday, she stopped dancing and Thursday, she had totally left the dance floor, but this last weekend, I felt the closest to her than in the last three months. She made several comments that would indicate she has decided not to leave by the start of the school year as she was contemplating at the end of last month.
But at dinner last night she mentioned she spoke to her D23 last week. I didn't mention here, because I was trying to avoid being beaten by 2x4's, but three of weeks ago, my W was writing her a letter to her while I was sitting beside her in bed. I snooped and it was as I expected. That she was the only one who she could talk to and would understand. (My first thread covers how my W was planning to move out and live with her D from previous M, for she was the only one who supported her descision to leave and was willing to help.) While I don't know if she sent the letter, she did send a "care package the week before last and I've been trying to convince myself, "so what if she did forward the letter?" ... so when my W mentioned her D23 wanted to move back in the area in six months, my heart skipped a beat as my immediate thought was, "So now she plans to leave in six months!" I forced the lump in my throat from dinner back down and continued act "as-if" I didn't even hear that as my W moved onto another subject.
So now I'm fighting this feeling that she is biding time until D23 moves back. I know I shouldn't concern myself with it ... it truely sucks that I feel this way, but I can't seem to shake it and now wonder if I'm going to have to live with this thought for the 6-9 months or so ...
Why does this have to be so hard when all we want is to have it better and to be happy? It just doesn't seem right!
ooii ... yea, I know this is all in my head and I need to get back to dancing, but first I have to find the music. Bridget, jethro, or Rob, please strum a few chords for me ...
Like this post, my PMA seems to be slipping more...
Just a few questions if you don't mind. You know me, I always like perspective.
Quote: Last Wednesday, she stopped dancing. Thursday, she had totally left the dance floor. This last weekend, I felt the closest to her than in the last three months.
What were the circumstances for each day that made you feel the way you did?
Quote: but three of weeks ago, my W was writing her a letter to her while I was sitting beside her in bed. I snooped and it was as I expected. That she was the only one who she could talk to and would understand.
I'm a little unclear. In the letter your W wrote, did she actually talk about OM, or did she just say she wanted her D to come back because she's the only one with whom she can talk? Also, just out of curiosity, what is the reason her D wants to move back in 6 months?
Although I understand why you are concerned about this 6-9 month window, I simply want to caution you against jumping to conclusions (if your W didn't mention OM in the letter). We all know what a dead-end that can lead to. How have your W's panic attacks been lately? Isn't there a pattern between her panic attacks getting more severe as she begins to think/journal more about OM? Honestly, it seems to me that if your W was furthering her plans about moving on, the following would NOT be happening: "Slowly, but steadily OR seems to be improving as W gradually seems to be softening."
Thing is, your trust continues to get undermined as you continue to read her journal. I understand why you read her journal (or letters), but it causes you to question everything. What if, from the start of your reconciliation, you were not reading her journal? Do you think you'd be interpreting her actions in the same way?
Instinctively, how do you feel, KAW? Do you feel like she's coming around or do you feel like things from a year ago are resurfacing big-time? What's your gut? For me, I know my W isn't seeing OM because it shows in her actions and behavior towards me (you know, the "softness" you spoke of). She'd be very distracted otherwise. How's your W? Are you NOT saying things to her that would otherwise if you thought things were okay between you two?
I'm sorry, my friend. I know I nailed you with a lot of questions. Take care of yourself.
Quoting KAW: Why does this have to be so hard when all we want is to have it better and to be happy? It just doesn't seem right!
KAW, I hear you on this.
I wish it were so easy. But I keep reminding myself this is my life, not a story I've written...while on paper, I hope to one day say: "We separated, we learned a lot about ourselves and then we got back together." In reality, that simple phrase just doesnt' do justice to the process we are going through.
I'm not sure that is very comforting to you (or me!) but I hope it helps.
I had just lost a big long post that took a long time to type!! Now I'm out of time and I'm off tomorrow ... going to spend the day at the fair! I will try to recreate it as soon as I can!
I forced the lump in my throat from dinner back down and continued act "as-if" I didn't even hear that as my W moved onto another subject.
