Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Okay,
Well I've had a terrible week. No contact with W, didn't go home at the weekend, and I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I can't concentrate on anything and my hope and self respect are now at an all time low.

I have been thinking so much about what Puppy has said, and I'm really close to giving up and filing for D. I've been looking at divorce legal advice sites and it seems that I am even worse off than I thought. My only real asset is the family home, and unless she agrees to sell, uproot the kids and her mum, then it's likely that the courts will insist that they continue living there.

Each time I force myself to consider D, I break down and weep, because I do not want it. It is the last thing I want.

Perhaps Pup, though I know you are really stretched trying to help so many people on these boards, you might be able to advise on my next step.

I am thinking of writing her an email, where I let her know that I love her very much, but I am unable to live this way any more. I'm pretty sure thaat this will have little effect, because she will likely reply that her feelings have gone and she doesn't know how to get them back.
I have this last and very faint hope, that if I do tell her and follow through with action that demonstrates I am serious, then it might alter her perspective.

Would this show to her that I am weak, and giving up on us?

I could go on with this longer I think, if I felt that she was not talking to OM anymore. But I know she is, and I just don't know where that might lead.

I struggle with the thought that I would be doing this in a last ditch effort to make her change, and frankly she's probably not in a position to do that.

But I am going slowly mad. I feel so isolated, lonely and worthless.

I'm also scared that filing will sound the final death knell and there will be no turning back. She maybe secretly wishing that I would do it anyway, though I don't think she'll be happy that I would, and will probably reinforce her thoughts of blaming me for everything, and about what a loser I am.

She's probably right.

I've had it.