God give me the patience and the strength...7

[MidwesternGirl]

my h never complained about his looks and never bought new clothes. his taste in food, clothes, music, etc. never changed either.

he drank a lot more due to the guilt of having the a. the money he has spent in the last year or so has been quite a bit which has gone toward rent over there and since he could not afford it, he was using credit cards to pay for it.

[theotherhalf]

Yes the money thing for us is becoming a HUGE issue. He took a $7 an hour pay cut changing jobs. The job change is a "good" thing for him but the money is really really bad. If he was here we could swing it, but paying for two home is not working.

I have not been able to pay any bills for the month of Sept. and there is no money. I really don't know what I am going to do. He is still depositing his check. But there just isn't enough. He talks about getting a second job. I don't know how. He doesn't sleep now. He talks about giving up his place and sleeping at work. Yea, that would be good.

Again, I really don't know what I'm going to do. It's like my hand is being forced financially.

[theotherhalf]

One of three things is going on with my H...

Things between us have been good. He was spending alot of time here, we were still having s*x pretty regulary, still lost but like there was still a chance.

Now, he is cordial. He's around but seems to be more like a "business partner". He calls but it's only for "business". We haven't had s*x in over 2 weeks. Thought maybe we'd get together last night, no, he just blew me off. I thought maybe he was going through depression/withdrawl so I haven't pushed an inch, was letting him steer the boat, now I'm not so sure.

Three things I think could be going on...
1) He is taking time alone to really figure things out
2) He IS still seeing OW and has made the commitment to himself to not be with me anymore
3) He has decided that we are through and is completely done with me except for farm and girls

If only he would just talk to me. Tell me what he's feeling. Tell me what is going on.

Before you all jump on me. I am just venting here. I haven't said a word to H. He knows nothing of what I am feeling. I really am leaving him alone.

Last night was a tough one for me. I am missing him something terrible. I am so lonely I can't stand it. And none of this is out of "habit" anymore. It is me. I really really HATE being alone. I hate not having H in my life to share my days with. It does not matter what I do to keep busy, to learn to accept, to keep my mind from him. He is always there. Like the song says...

I've talked to friends, I've talked to myself, talked to God I've prayed like hell
I still miss him
I've tried sober, I've tried drinking, I've been strong, I've been weak
but I still miss him
It's like a door that never closes
He's so deep down in my soul
I don't know how to do this

[theotherhalf]

NOW, suppose I can LEAVE HIM ALONE!?!?!?

H came out Sunday am (beginning to be the norm for Sundays). I was gone to church. He called me while I was there. I called him back and he said he was here. I went home. We worked out in the machine shed moving things around, putting things away for winter and cleaned. This place looks better than it has in over 3 years! It was a good day. He was in a good, flirtous mood. He was here most of the day.

Later in the evening he asked me to come in to his place. Of course I went (sorry, it's been awhile I would have even if it meant I was just going to SLEEP with him. I miss him.)

Anyway, got there and he had had plenty to drink (had been at BIL's for awhile) he ate, we talked a little and was watching football. He curled up on the couch with a blanket that I think he got from OW. Made a remark how warm and comfy he was and started to go to sleep. I was ticked first the blanket, I said nothing but wanted to rip it from him and burn it, then he asked me in there to watch him sleep? I got up and said "why did you ask me to come in? To watch you sleep?" and I left. He called me, he said sorry asked me to come back. I went.

We went to bed. He initiated s*x, I let him but wasn't pushing anything, I was content to just cuddle up with him and sleep. Well he got his and left me hanging then right to sleep. Fine, didn't say too much. About an hour later he gets up to go to the bathroom. He then went and laid on the couch. BURN!!!

I laid there a little bit then got up. I left and came home.

I have never been treated so coldly in all my life. I felt worse than a whore. I don't know if he was drunk/sleeping and did this unintentional or if he was purposly trying to hurt me. In the whole crazy begginning of this mess he was never THAT cold. I don't know where this came from.

All I know is that hurt me to my core. I don't know if he'll remember what happened? I don't know if I should stand up for myself and my feelings and say something to him. I want to ask why? Don't know if I should? I guess some would say I got what I deserve.

[a new 2moro]

NOW, suppose I can LEAVE HIM ALONE!?!?

in all honesty TOH? no you wont....back to square one you go....when are you ever gonna leave this man alone long enuff to miss you. and realize you deserve better treatment? when are you gonna realize you deserve better treatment?

[theotherhalf]

....I guess an2m when God tells me it's time to let him go...

I don't know what else to say because I can't argue with you, your right, I know your right, but...

[a new 2moro]

TOH, leaving him alone is NOT letting go...far from it. Right now he is slowly but surely destroying the love you had for him....to keep it from further damage you need to put in a safe place tucked away in a special box.....not to be brought again til all is well. tucking it away you work on you, finding out who you are w/o your H you are a whole person.....it will only be better when the two of you become one again. now you are broken, he is broken two broken halves do not make a fixed whole no matter how hard you want to believe it does...

[Bworl]

I think he hurt you with his actions.

And like all the rest of we human beings, getting hurt teaches us something.

Our love for a person can overcome enormous obstacles. Our love for our spouse SHOULD require ENORMOUS hurt to make it begin to fade. I applaud you in that you have remained so incredibly devoted to your husband and marriage through ALL of his indiscretions.

But now he has done something that has caused YOU to feel like LESS of a person.


And I think that's a valuable lesson, though not a pleasant one.


You will come to the place you need to be in the RIGHT time. And that time is determined by YOU, not anyone else on this board.


We can tell you over and over again that continuing to allow him intimacy is both dangerous to you and something that can hurt you. Till now, you've been willing to chance it.


I wonder if you'll be so willing to chance it next time.


NEVER talk yourself out of what you truly feel inside.


Blessings,

Bill

[theotherhalf]

leaving him alone is NOT letting go

with my H, I think that it is...

Right now he is slowly but surely destroying

me

I know your right an2m but again, I am just so afraid...

[theotherhalf]

I applaud you in that you have remained so incredibly devoted to your husband and marriage through ALL of his indiscretions.

I don't know if I deserve to be applauded or to be locked up some where. Sometimes I think I've trully lost my mind to not have filed for D a long time ago. I have asked myself so many many times what the h*ll am I still doing here?

Hell no one here on this board can even see any positives in my sitch. He just keeps on keeping on and I just keep taking it.

But now he has done something that has caused YOU to feel like LESS of a person.

He has done this over and over again, and still I exuse it with MLC. Keep believing that with love, faith, and time, he will come out of this.

It's been a year and 5 months and although there has been many improvements, we are still no closer to R. In the meantime I cry for him almost daily, sometimes less. I am doing my dambest to go forward with my life. I get through each day one step at a time. Somehow keeping my head up and making the best of things. I am GALing but with H still in it. I am making the changes that I know need made. I am searching daily for the woman I am supposed to be. I try to find the joys of life every day. I am making the best life I can with what I got for my girls.

Yet still, at the end of everyday, I am alone and I hate it. I miss my H so very much. And every night when I climb into bed I long to have him here with me. He is the last thing I think of and the first when I wake.

NEVER talk yourself out of what you truly feel inside.

This Bill is what gets me into so much trouble.

Once again your here when I really need someone to talk to. And again I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You really are a special guy. Thank you Bill.

TOH