I think I may belong here.

[kelaaron]

There are moments when I think my H is slowly trying to kill me by completly ripping out my heart. He too has played the "bigger, better, more," will make you feel better game for a while now. I just thought it was what he did cuz it is what his mother does. But I am starting to see that he hasn't always been like that. He has always liked to get people gifts but it has been different these last couple of years. He actually bought his F something really nice for last Christmas. Never before has he done that. He has been happy sending a coffee cup or something. The irony of that is he doesn't need to repair the R with his father, it is the other way around. But that is a whole different story. H has really been spoiling S for a while now, more than in the past and he even gave me roses for Valentine's which was the first time in 12 years. I knew at the time it was wierd. But I thought it was a step forward. I am beginning to really understand. This has been going on for so long. H says he doesn't want to "answer" to anyone anymore.

I just don't know. I am starting to see the depression and this makes me feel worse than any of the other stuff. He is trying to function at this point. He sits here and wrings his hands, wanders aimlessly, just stands in the middle of the room. He has been drinking more but not getting drunk. I just want to wrap myself around him and tell him it will all be ok. But he doesn't want me to do that. He says he doesn't. I did just hug him twice in the last month, after he said it was because he knew I needed it. Yesterday I guess S was telling him about his new karate goals. They talked about a friend of S who is gay but hasn't completly come out yet (everyone knows but...) I guess 15 is still very confusing even in this day and age...
H told S, even if you aren't confident, sometimes you just have to decide, and even if it is hard, stay on that path. S told me cuz he thought H was actually having a conversation with him about our sitch.

I don't know. They are wise words. If is about sitch, then I know he is still very unsure of what he is really doing. I knew that anyway. I just pray everday that God will see us both through this. My heart has been softened, I see H through His eyes now. Hoping H heart will soften to and he can be lifted out of this and learn to forgive. He has so much inside of him, so much that was there from before we were together. And yes, we have both hurt each other over the years. So there is that too. I really think if H can forgive, then he can really start to figure out who he is and what he wants, and we can move forward. With our without each other. Right now moving forward is the word of the day, but it is easier said than done.