I feel ashamed and pathetic.

[Stigmata]

Path.,

I too think the use of "alpha" male is extremely overused and misappropriated. If the world were full of so called "alpha males" in every species it would be a complete disaster.

Don't worry, you don't have to be BMOC stud suddenly. You just have to be able to lead your wife.

Embracing an image of yourself as, as your Topic Title says, "Ashamed and Pathetic" is not going to get your W's amorous attentions. A friend of mine on here once labeled it aptly: "psychological stench."

If you loathe yourself then you have to understand your W has no choice but to also loathe you on some level. It's in her biology. Yes, we're above the animal kingdom proper but her genes still drive her to feel safe with a man who can guarantee the survival of her offspring and be strong when it's required.

Feeling weak and powerless and/or psychologically impotent sends a very repellent message to her and, *flip!* switches off her attraction for you.

As Bear said, it also causes her to lose respect for you and that's the deadliest consequence of them all. And you can't blame her. It's hard for humans to respect someone if he/she doesn't respect him/herself.

Your background sucks in terms of developing a healthy sense of self worth. If I could urge you to do something it would be to dissociate yourself from the guy in letters AD in your list.

The past is past. Gone. That's not who you are; so try not to punish yourself by continuing to associate with that image. You can change your self image any time you want in your life so why not now? You're in charge of what you do today, not that guy in the past. Not some punching bag outcast from the 9th grade.

Remember: it's not what you dit; it's what you do next that counts.

e) women have always disliked me. For this reason, my love live and sex life have always been pathetic. I was virgin until age 23. My wife is the only woman I have ever had relations with. And she would only have sex with me for the first 4 years of our marriage.

- I would argue this first part. I would guess you felt they never liked you because you never liked yourself much nor thought worthy of their attention. Hence, they had no choice but to shun you.


You can't go back and change your sexual history/feeling of inadequacy but you can try and gain more confidence right now one step at a time.

Listen. It's very, very hard for a woman not to, again, on some level, want to jump on top of a man who radiates he hasn't a clue in the bedroom in terms of taking control of the situation.


I heard it from a hotti's own mouth recently. She said even if she's really into a guy or even dating him, if he says he's only slept with say 3 Fs in his life she says something inside her twinges and she thinks to herself, what? 3? Why? Is there something wrong with him? Said she couldn't explain it exactly but that it was almost better to hear about a guy who had a lot of encounters with women as she can forgive his playing the field since he obviously has what "it" takes to attract enough Fs to sleep with him.

But don't beat yourself up. You're fine. Your W knows you're not a Don Juan. If she were after that, she wouldn't be with you. You obviously have some very attractive qualities of your own for her.

Just gotta start believing in yourself so she can get on board and believe in you too and find herself sexually attracted to you.

So to summarize the situation, I suffer from a whole series of emotional problems, that make me extremely passive and fearful.

- Immediately remove the word "suffer" from your vocabulary. This is self-imposed and pointless self-torture. Remember, your W doesn't want to feel she's with a man who thinks of himself as a fearful "victim"


Start today and tell yourself you are no longer that guy. Continuing being passive and fearful in your R is forcing your W into a role she does not like -- wresting control of your household from you so everything in your lives -- heck, and your future -- doesn't sink into a morass of fear and powerlessness at all levels.

Is that what is required? Do I need to act like Dr. Jeckyl, and find the potion that transforms me into Mr. Hyde?

- Not a complete personality change. Small steps, pal. Dr. Jekyll is a great guy. He has a career path and a passion. Your image of yourself is already Mr. Hyde. Pretty ugly view of yourself.

Come on. You gotta start seeing yourself as something valuable for your W to hold onto. A real catch. Trust me, it will make her feel much happier and grateful to have a guy who is so self assured and even the envy of her friends.

I know. That seems scary impossible right now. But you gotta take that first small step.

I might suggest starting by being decisive in your R. If your W asks you what you want to do, eat etc. be the guy who already has the answer...

NOT: "Sigh. I don't care. What do you want to do/eat?"


YES: "Hm, I suddenly have a craving for Mexican food. Get ready, babe, we're going for Mexican."

W: "But I don't want Mexican."


You: "O come on, it will be fine. You asked, I'm choosing. If you hate it we'll we'll wing it and go somewhere else."

You can do it, Im Pathetic. God, I hate your screen name.

If I were to give you one last word of advice it would be to start being positive and do this one thing for your W every single day, no matter what:

MAKE HER SMILE.

At least once each day. Not gifts, etc. Just let her know she's sexy and fun. Hang in there.

-Stigmata-