Glad you took the high road, LD You sound like you're doing okay overall, too.
It would not be fair of me to attempt to guess where your wife is at in the so-called MLC "timeline". There are two reasons for this: one is the fact that in the beginning stages of MLC, it's ALL internal. A lot goes on inside the person's head before the symptoms start appearing outwardly. None of us can know this about another person. Even a MLCer only realizes it AFTERWARDS if they try to learn what it was that happened to them. I pinpointed the onset of my MLC to starting close to a year before my husband got his first inkling anything was wrong. In addition to that, each "stage" is entered into differently for each person and many times certain "stages" are repeatedly visited before their purpose has been discovered and the person naturally progresses onto the next stage.
I am assuming you got your info about the stages of MLC here. I support them just as they were written by heartsblessing however so few MLCers come here and talk about their experiences afterwards that we just can't gauge the validity.
So while it's good that you have a loose understanding, please don't think it's written in stone or anything scientific. MLC is very much a personal journey - and mostly internal - and there is nothing you can do to speed it up. It is my opinion that a MLCer's own desire to be honest with him/herself will dictate how long this thing plays out. If she's a runner - someone given to avoidance - it could be a while. But if she's generally a no bullsh*t kind of gal, I'd venture a guess that she'll make it out quicker than someone that's prone to keeping their head in the sand.
Keep doing what you're doing and do stop analyzing (that IS what you are doing ) or you will make yourself crazy. Just to throw you a bone, I do find it curious that when your wife sees you having a great time she goes off and calls OM. But we just don't know that ANYTHING you have done is penetrating her brain right now. It is best to just look out for yourself and not make ANY assumptions about her. If something inside her head and heart starts clicking rest assured you will be the first to know!
Amy thanks for your reply. I kinda figured that was the answer. My W has a tendency to keep things bottled up. She keeps talking about not being happy for 4 years, year my dad died. I know I went throguh a lot of changes, even bought I book called understanding male menopause, Man-O- Pause. I try not to analyze, but I end up doing it anyway. Its been two months of hell for me. everyday I don't think I can go on anymore. If I could, I'd like to ask you how long you went through it. I haven't read your sitch, but would like to know if you reconciled and what brought you back. I know there is no guarantee she will come back to me, but I need to keep my faith in my belief that she will. Its all I have right now to keep me moving. People keep telling me that she will "wake up" and "snap out of it" one day and realize what she had. I did have afriend of mine that went through it, took her about 3.5 months to realize that her marriage was to good to just throw away. She never really told me that she was or wasn't having an affair, but she was going out and doing the partying scene like crazy. She told me it got old quick, then when she didn't hear from her husband other than when he picked up the kids, she started getting nervous. I know there is no set time where I can figure that she will start her way back to me. I am wondering too, you made a comment about her watching me, everything I do. She wants to know if I am someone she can come back to and fall apart in front of. What is it you think she is looking for? What signs can I look for from her? did you leave signs for your husband to follow or give him indications you were coming back? Thanks,,,,
It's not possible for a MLCer to leave signs that they're "coming back" because if they've left due to MLC, they most likely can't imagine WANTING to come back.
I did though. Between 3 and 4 years from the onset. We had two separations. After the first one he came back way too soon and then caught the backside of my MLC full force.
Several very dramatic things occured in my sitch that finally woke me up. One was just utter personal devastation. I broke after running for so long looking for something that I could never find. Eventually I prayed for God to show me myself as HE saw me and it all just snowballed from there. One of the final events that threw me out of the MLC tunnel was when I was the first on the scene of a motorcyle accident that happened on my street and while I was with him in the ditch with his blood on my hands, the man died. My little girl was about 8 or 9 at the time and she was with me. That shook the last bit of self-righteousness right out of me.
But my walk back is still in progress. It has seen many ups and downs. Has my relationship been restored? Yes it has. We still live apart but my husband and I are not divorced and we are increasingly close. Neither of us are dating anyone else although a while back - after 3 years of trying to reconcile to no avail - I did briefly throw in the towel and try to date someone - it did not work to say the least and I came back to my stand because it is where I belong. At least it's the only thing that FEELS right.... My husband and I have a few more issues to tackle though. Not small ones either.
If you are looking for a reason to believe, this world will never give you one. Pick up a Bible and talk to God about your family, be open to what He will show you, listen to what He says - ... and allow him to change you first.
Thanks again for your response. I have changed so much in a relatively short time, that I feel everything around me is just moving to slow. I know you and others have preached patience. I just can't seem to do it some days. I pray every night. I ask God for the strength for one more day, every day. She has been contacting me more, about the things I have told you. Her brakes, selling my campsite (of which she was told I am paying of the laon catching up my mortgage and thats all there will be enough for). I have heard many things that can hapen. I am very scared things will not come around to me. I try to keep thisout of my head, but there are people telling me to forget her, move on, find someone else, she ha, blah, blah blah. I can't . I just can't fathom her not coming back. I have made my changes intially for her, but I see the benefit to myself daily. The way people have changed towards me, my kids, my family...I like who I am now, I need her to like me now, and want to be with me. But I also know that is not my decision. I believe if this OM was out of the picture, my holidays without her would simply be a nightm,are, not reality. I think I am cracking her a bit, I want to believe it. I am a strong supporter of the going dark, or at least dim and not belieivng anything she says. My convictions are strong. There is a song by Meatloaf i play everyday called no matter what these are my words: I can’t deny what I believe I can’t be what I’m not I know this love’s forever I know no matter what
I believe she will be back, I cannot act like she isn't, i absolutely believe our love is forever, no matter what. People have told me i am not realistic thinking this way. My firend who went throguh the MLC and others I have read from, give me hope. Do you agree with my attitude?
But you are going to need more than positive feelings to get through this because those positive feelings are going to get hammered into the ground before it's all said and done.
I would caution you against strategies that are designed only to garner some kind of reaction from her - whether immediate or delayed. Your changes have to be for you or they won't be "changes" at all and even if they resulted in her returning fairly soon, you'd end up back here - I can almost promise you that.
I am picking it up at Borders this week. the changes are definitely me, of that I no longer question. Things i am doing are pretty much things that need to be done around my house, they were things she has bitched about and were brought up in conversations with ehr mother and friends about why she was leaving and unhappy and the rest. i still haven't got a good answer other than she was unhappy, we grew apart, yet she never answers me as to why we never talked aboutit or when I would ask what the problem was with her, she would tell me nothing. Anyway, I am doing these things becasue thats how I used to be, I hate things not done. Past couple of years, i just wasn't into it. I am now. Amazing what happens when you take the beer goggles off. My daughters have told me how much like me this way. i had apologized to all my kids for being an absent father the past couple of years or so. that I was always looking for the next party and really didn't give anything else its just deserves. it was part of my change, I needed to admit to myself I had become what I hated and I needed to apologize to my kids for not being who i should be. We all cried, I am rgiht now typing this. I have had many times reflecting on what I had become hurt me. I can see why she fell out of love, but where was the conversation, discussion, anything....She is still in the party mode and hasn't from what i can see, done any reflection as to why I got the way I got (her drinking and agressivbe flirting). Her mother tells me she has admitted it to her, but it never came up in the 3 conversations we had about why she left. I am constantly in pain, and from what I read, this is normal, i am not extending it, it just takes time. The thing i hate most of all is my changing and moving forward and her movement is virtually non existent. this not just my view. As Sandi has said she is in a fantasy fog, which most people are agreeing with. I don't like hearing about her from her friends. A psychiatrist had told me that if she is having financial difficulties, not to help her. that will "ground " her. Take her out of the fantasy and push her into the reality. I guess I can see it. I have heard the term Tough Love, but I have always taken care of her. I am being told to stop or at least delay my help. I feel that will push her away. But then again i thoght NC would distance her and it brings her a little closer. This is very hard for me. I am doing everything we used to do on my own. It hurts, I accept my role in the marriage breaking down and understand I have to pay this price for now, but I would love to know that she is watching as you had said and feeling for my trails and tribulations. The pain gets worse, I guess thats what you and Sandi meant by it'll get worse before it gets better. This site gives me the best hope. I am getting the book. I had read another about understanding her midlife crisis and a lot of the "do's" are quite similar. I have to have hope, as you can now obviously tell. Without I feel my self crashing into an abyss. Beinghome nd ealing with everything, cooking dinner, paying bills, and what not does not leave me very much time for myself. i try to get to the gym a couple times a week. I go to my camp on weekends, but honestly, the memories we had there and the fact that I know he has been there recently has tainted the place. My friends there are incredible, they have a new found repect and admiration for me. I was a drunken, drama ass.....But, they forgave me everything....They asaw her and her antics, and are not so sure they can forgive her as quickly. They are not playing favorites, but they have noticed she is detaching from her friends for the new younger crowd. she looks out of place with them. Sitting across form her Friday night, that close to her and to really not say anything or acknowledge her was the hardest thing I have had to do lately. I was really having a good time so there was no act. But I just want to grab her and say "Let's get off the sh@#! You are my wife, I hate what I had become but you had a hand in making me that way, let's wipe the slate and get on track! I won't giv eup on us no matter what you say or do!" Won't do it, but it is what i want to do. i do agree that I can't let her back to quickly, and that hurts. Again, i want to thank you and Sandi. I read small pieces of your sitch. I don't really know that much about it. God bless you and your strength. I hope to keep gaining some momentum from you all.
I have been married for 13 years and have 3 children--under 10. My wife is the typical WAW and in MLC. You can read my story as well. many of the things you stated are all too familiar.
All i can say is that as long as we take care of the ourselves and the children, there is not much more we can do. i am now in battle mode with my wife as she already is dragging me in into family court to start the process of having me removed from the house. of course, i will fight, delay and do anything i can to protect my children. She is soo lost and gone that I feel the children are in jeopardy.
I still love her in some fashion, but now, i can not ever see her coming back, nor would I want her. there is too much water under the bridge including years of recently discovered infidelity and a current OM. Nevertheless, you and I must fight for what is right and build a new life.
Stay strong and know that if its meant to be, it will happen. I would not think about it as it only causes heartache and pain. There are no sure things in life, except the fact that you only come around once. Enjoy the time you have, but know that its a tough road ahead. As time passes, it will get easier--as so i am told.
Thanx Rob. Can't help but think of her. I know I have to move my mind forward, and it is, slowly. I know she is not happy. I know she is depressed. I just hope she isn't going to be this person for much longer. My kids are uncomfortable talking to her. My youngest is 16 and says its awkward, not like talking with me. she is trying to act like a firend who wants to hang out, not a mother. She is not vindictive or out to screw me. She understands she walked. She ha made comments about coming over, painting doing what not for the resale. but this woman also told her friend 6 weeks ago she wants a full time job. Ain't happened yet. her goals have so far been pipe dreams. She connects with me a little more each week. I feel that AMY and Sandi and a few tohers are right, she is watching me. To what extent is anyone's guess.
I feel bad for your situation. If my wife was getting to be that way, I could move on at sprinters pace. What is really bad is that things have been tense for us the past couple of years, drinking and partying didn't help. but everyone thought we had a great marriage. I new there were bumps but nothing like this. I can't remember when I have cried so hard.
I look for positive signs when they are there, I try to invnet them. friends and family watch too...MAny comments have been made about her watching me, I'm sure because my physical appearnce is more like my younger years, but mostly I thinkshe watches me , socially. I think she looks to see my responses to people, If I am withdrawn, or anxious, or nervous...I am very outgoing, even without the alcohol and probably a little more so now because I do feel better about myself. I gauge my conversations very well, the whole brain in gear before activating the mouth. My kids and I are very close, even more than before. funny, but one of her compaints to her mother about me the day the bomb dropped was my lack of anyhing for my kids. she told her mom tha I am always on them, never satisfied, always beating them up (verbally). I don't really recollect all that, but I do know I was closer to my kids years ago. I have that back now. they love introducing me to their friends, especially on weekends cause I ain't drinking and being an ass. My youngest has a homecoming dnace this saturday. Fro the past two years she went and got changed at her friends house rather than have people come to our house. Mostly because we are weekend parties. she was afarid of being embarrassed. Guess what, all the girls and guys are meeting at my house for pictures. She wants me to meet her firends parents. I don't know if she mentioned it to my wife or not. but I'll tell you, it made me cry to hear her say that. This is one of many instances lately. Makes me feel good that my kids think so much of my changes, that it brings out this typoe of behavior. this all for a guy who was told he didn't have much to do with his kids the past couple of years. Talk about your 180s.
We are rearranging furniture tonight because my daughters want to. we are painting and they can't wait. I have a hot meal on the table everynight that I am home (camp is closing in two weeks so it will be everynight). We sit and talk as a family. My brother in law is living with me temporarily (i need the rent), yes my wife's brother. He is appalled at the whole thing and he says this woman is not his sister. they were as tigh as tight could get, but he doesn't know her.
I don't mean to ramble on, but this is paert of my dilema, if I get to far down the road and she isn't even looking at changes, then I wonder if she will give up even thinkijng about us is she can no longer see me. Anyway, keep in touch, good luck with your situation. If you have any others out there that are going throguh this and coming out reconciled, I'd love to hear from them. I need as many positives as i can get. Even tho your sitch isn't positive in that respec, it is positive to have you at least rooting for me and lending me your support. Thanks
Wife came over yesterday after she got out of work and cleaned her closet, not out. she took out clothes she doesn't want anymore and straightened out her closet. why wouldn't she just take her clothes. why go throguh the trouble of organizing the closet? she asked my daughter what she was up to last night, and she told my w that we were rearranging the furniture. She told my D I was going to do that. everytime she hears about something I'm going to do, its the same resposne. My son was talking about the Topsfield fair which starts this weekend. My wife commented that it was a ritual for us to go there on our anniversary, which is Monday. My son asked her, what are you going to do now? she didn't have any facial expression. picked up some clothes she bagged and said she had to go. My son thinks he hit a nerve. I had a big job interview today, this is one huge change in my life i need. It went well. I wanted to call my W and tell her about it, because I have always shared my life with her. Didn't , I'm still dark (mostly dim). Anyway, looking for some answers to her behavior. Probably means nothing...Miss her immensely and want her back, feel anger sometimes, loneliness all the time.
You are feeling normal..... Stay aloof and keep things to yourself. For the first time in a while, we talked briefly about the kids and future. Its tough as she wants certain things that are impossible if I am to have my own life. We are set to meet in Court Friday. It will be interesting to see what happens.
Stay stong and be tough. Kids came home..get back to you soon....
) or you will make yourself crazy. Just to throw you a bone, I do find it curious that when your wife sees you having a great time she goes off and calls OM. But we just don't know that ANYTHING you have done is penetrating her brain right now. It is best to just look out for yourself and not make ANY assumptions about her. If something inside her head and heart starts clicking rest assured you will be the first to know!