Well my D9 had a meltdown last night over our plans for today. Was calling W over and over again. W threw in some nice jabs towards me. Then called me early this morning.
Accused me of "punishing" my kids because of all this.she threw in some jabs like I wasn't a good parent to my D.I just simply said that I never quit on my family. There was a bunch of other stuff, but it was all my fault of course. I just said that things are going to be much different and there are consequences to her decision. Sometimes were not all going to be able to do what we want to do.
I did tell her that I was upset that she rushed to a L and never explored or brought up what was bothering her. She said she just can't make herself love or fall in love with me. That we never had any passion in our marriage, never kissed, cuddled. We never had anything very great.
I just told her not to paint our entire history together like that. I said I wished you had told me what you needed and we worked at those things to see what happens. She just replies that she can't make herself love me. I just said love is a choice and wished we could have seen what it would be like if we knew. She just said "we can't change" she also said she's just fine and very happy right now.
Practically zero contact since this last weeks late night phone call. My D was totally fine with me all weekend and I think we had a great time.
My Daughter has been calling me a lot from W house. And, last night when she called, W was right by her side and had to toss in a few sentences that I could hear directed to me. I thought it was rather strange. It seemed she wanted to be involved in the call a bit. I didnt acknowledge her presence at all.
Today..my D called me to see if she could pick up her sleeping bag for a slumber party. I dont really care, but shouldnt W have some of these types of things at her house? There's nothing special about the sleeping bag other than I have one. What other dumb thing can W borrow?
So...D just showed up at my front door, rang doorbell. W in car in driveway. I let her in, and helped her get her sleeping bag. W in car. Shoot, the FedEx guy is more friendly.
What if I wasnt here? Were they going to break in? What if I was here with some girl? I cant play defense on my daughter. Anyway, I just find it really rude of my W to just show up and expect to pull whatever she wants from my house.
And...D told me my Son is also going to a slumber party tonight. Sort of like supplied babysitting....she's really good at sluffing off the kids so she can go out. I'm sure she's going to take big advantage of this opportunity.
Doing the best I can with every opportunity with my kids.
W dropped off kids tonight, a few minutes late. She came to the door to help D with some stuff. She would not look at me. When she got into car, she actually looked up at me and said "Hi". I returned the "Hi". That's basically it between us.
I really hate this situation more than anything in the world.
W snuck by Fri and dropped off the kids stuff....I'm not even sure the car actually came to a complete stop in the driveway.
Of course I backslid a little Fri night..couldnt help myself. My son needed a ride because my daughter was having 5 of her closest friends spend the night here on Friday night...W took him to where he wanted to go. But, it confirmed that she was going out to dinner with her divorced best friend, who has a boyfriend now...I txt her..'double date?'...never got a reply...She hates if I know what she's up to, she's totally private about her life with me and if I am correct about my txt, then she'd hate to acknowledge it...So..I'm certain it was a dbl date...that snake of a friend of hers is the supreme selfish one, so I'm sure she wouldnt give up a friday night with Boyfriend, so I'm certain with the confirmed no response that it was just that...Anyway..I was pretty anxious about this Fri and Sat. Eventually seeing her with another guy is going to be extremely tough.
Other than that....no contact at all. I'm just hanging back. Some of our close family friends, women, both told me that she's in her own little world and will someday suffer the consequences of her decision, she's just not ready to do that. And..that I just have to continue to be nice, take care of myself and kids the best I can, and not look to her for answers, because she doesnt know them.
So..I guess my question is in regards to her birthday. Its next week. I bought a pretty boring generic bday card. I was just going to sign it and mail it to her, thats all....any tips?
I had a really crappy night of sleep. Woke up in middle of the night very sad. It just really hit me that she's not going to wake up from this nightmare very soon or ever.
My D9 crawled into bed with me again last night. She's starting to get a bit clingy to dad. Said she missed her dad. My son seems to be getting lazy and losing interest in being active. That's making me nervous. Showing some "quitting" attitudes. I don't like that at all.
W is living in total fantasy land. I feel like her designated sitter so she can go out and live like a movie star. I know she's going to SF with her divorced manipulator for 4 days next week. I'm pretty sure they went on a dbl date fri night. I know I'm supposed to forget about her and what she's doing, but it is very difficult.
Tostada, I'm sorry that you're hurting. It's natural to feel betrayed because you are being betrayed. Take the next advice with a grain of salt. I'm not sure where you are in the DBing process and in your mental processes, but, the thing that helped me to detach and to think less about what my W is doing is when I could see that life wouldn't always be like this and that joy and happiness can come again.
For me, that took the form of listening to what other people had to say about me and finally decoupling my self-image from my wife's input. She can say anything about me and it won't change what I think about me.
Another thing that helped me was to go back out into the social marketplace and see that other women find me attractive and that while my brain had known that she wasn't my only hope for love, sometimes it felt like that was true and by seeing that it wasn't true, I was able to detach some.
The last thing that helped me was to put a time limit on how long I was willing to continue trying to make things work before moving on. I'm sure that there are other ways, but, these are the things that have helped me.
What if I had a bunch of different companies deliver flowers from me for her bday? She definitely wouldn't be expecting this and would be a huge 180. It would certainly keep her busy and would blow away whatever I'm competing with.
If she is still in the "I dont love Tostada" mode, it will only remind her more. You should know that pursuing is not going to help snap her into loving you.
