Also wanted to add that, coincidentally, an old friend of mine from the US got back in touch with me through FB. She wants me to refer her for a job in my company. Last time I'd heard from her she said that her H had been through an MLC, moved in with a 20 year old, and so she'd divorced him. I decided to ask her about her experience with this, and she said that everything was out of his system within 6 months. She wishes that she had been more patient and hung in there. Basically by the time that he was back to normal, she felt like she couldn't go back on the D anymore as she was to far down the path. Her advice to me was to hang in there as long as you can bear being uncomfortable. I know your H is maybe too young for a full-blown MLC (I thought mine was too), but still seems like some of the same patterns. I liked her advice, so just wanted to share...:)
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Ok so I went to BFFs today for her mom's surprise b-day party. It went pretty well, I helped set up, cook and make the cake. The surprise was well received.
On to the weird things....BFFs mom decides to sit next to me and start talking to me (no, that's not weird, lol) the conversation went something like this ..(this was in broken spanglish to put you more in the setting)
BFF's Mom: I don't know why but I was just told to tell you this, you need to think positive and drive out negative thoughts. You will get everything that you ask for as long as you think positive. You need to be strong and not sit there crying for him. You still love H right?
Me: Yes of course
BFF's Mom: Well true love never dies. Think postive. You two are going to have children.
(The convo was a bit longer I don't remember everything exactly but it was also strange that she started to tell me to completly straighten up my house and change it around to be more welcoming...hello?!?!? What was the goal I was bragging about all week!!!!)
At this point BFF realized her mom was saying this to me and thought her mom was bothering me and making me uncomfortable so she called me over.
The weirdest thing to me is that I just started reading the Secret and the things that BFF's mom was saying to me was the basic principals of the Secret...How weird right?? I don't I just feel like it is almost a sign, maybe I'm just looking for something positive to believe in, either way it's making me feel good and want to better myself.
Ok enough crazy talk from me tonight
ITH - Thank you for that advice!! Yes, I do think H seems to be going through a MMLC!! I am hanging in there. I know he still loves me and I can "feel" that it is not over. I am just giving him all the space he wants right now. Still NC, it hasn't been like this in a LONG time. If I don't hear anything in a few days then I'll send a "hey stranger" text but I am still trying to hold out.
Hey, Separated...I had a similar conversation with a co-worker of mine only she emailed me out of the blue and said "I hope this doesn't offend you and I don't know what is going on with your husband right now, but I want you to know he's coming back to you...you just have to be patient". She is also hispanic and very spiritual. I went to talk with her in person and she told me she was embarrassed about sending the email as she didn't know what my beliefs were, but she was positive my H was coming back. Crazy or oddly comforting??
Thanks Changed!! I think it was a combination of both!! So weird yet it gives a feeling of hope. I just thought that it was so strange that she was telling me to do some of the things that I have already decided to try out. I had only discussed it here on the board and have not told any friends/family about me trying the Secret principals and my goal about the house changes. I figured I would just let me friends see how great my apt looked when they came over.
I love your story! Why not believe that it is a sign? Nothing to lose in believing in the best.
I don't think it's crazy talk at all. Have you had any other interesting things happen since you started reading the Secret?
If your H really is going through the mini-MLC (have you read the stages by the way?)then maybe he's going through a withdrawal period where he is just so deep inside himself that he can't share what he's going through with anyone. My H never went dark for that long, but he may as well have. There were very long periods where his IMs were clearly sort of obligatory contacts, and would be 1-2 word greetings. I think you're right just to stay backed off. It's best to believe that if something were REALLY wrong, then he would reach out to you and talk to you about it.
Hope you're doing well today!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I have been reading over the MLC and some other websites that discuss "quarter-life crises" and dear H seems to fit the mold.
Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:
*frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career *insecurity regarding the near future *insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals *insecurity regarding present accomplishments *re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships *disappointment with one's job *nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life *tendency to hold stronger opinions *boredom with social interactions *loss of closeness to high school and college friends *financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.) *loneliness *desire to have children *a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
I only left on the ones that H is going thru..I only deleted 2
I don't think it's a bad thing to have that list. If this "quarter-life crisis" is common, then you can maybe better understand what he is going through, and that it isn't completely related to you. I know that when I started reading some of the MLC stuff on the boards, I felt really comforted. Granted this didn't change anything I was going through, but it DID mean that my situation wasn't unique, and so I could take heart in the fact that what my H said probably WAS completely meaningless nonsense!
Was/is having children an issue for you and your H if you don't mind me asking?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Yes, this was a MAJOR issue last year and it came back up when he decided to leave. He wanted me to start having kids right away as soon as we were married, actually even BEFORE!! I wanted to wait some time because I just started a new job that had no disability insurance (which means no pay during maternity leave) and they were sending me to school, so I told him let just wait a few extra months so that I can be half way through the class and purchase my own disability insurance. Well he did not like this and was VERY upset for a long time.
During one of the arguments that we had during the month that he was leaving he yelled at me that I should have just had kids when he wanted them. I was sooo upset because I did/still want kids with him!! We just couldn't at that time. I yelled at him, told him I was sorry that he wasn't patient and that I wanted what was going to be best for us and to be a good mother (with the certificate that I am getting, I can find part-time work with really good pay) to our children, ie not worrying about getting back to work because of the money and being home more of the time. He got so upset he went in the bathroom, started crying and was punching the door.
That's pretty intense. I think it makes PERFECT sense why you would have wanted to wait!
Have you had any talks since the S about this kind of thing? Does he know that you still want kids (with him)?
I guess he still hasn't broken the silence?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
The day before he moved out I sent him a long email that went over everything that we had been fighting about the last month since everytime we had those fights there was always more that I wanted to say after the fact.. Well in this email I did tell him that his snip at me about having the kids when he wanted them broke my heart and how much I wanted kids with him.
I know I wasn't on this board nor did I know about DB/DR at that time as I probably would have been 2x4ed for the email. Oh well can't take it back now!! LoL.
