That Trixi is a smart woman..I'd listen to her. But here are my thoughts for what there worth. There were many times in my R that I though I was done UNTIL I realized that she was done too and I was actually going to lose her. I don’t know why but the sense of lose can be a great motivator. You may have woke him up to the fact that his game isn’t going to work with you anymore. Then again it could all be BS. Bringing up his letter could just be a ploy to keep you on the hook. To keep you thinking that maybe there’s hope. I would treat him with a cold shoulder stop kissing his butt. Deal with him when you have to for your D, don’t go out of your way for him. You know kissing up isn’t working so what do you really have to lose. I'm big on quotes and one that keeps me going is "Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end".
Me 49 W 38 M 12 T 16 Sep Mar 9 2008 2 Boys 7 and 10
Well...talked with him today and apparently he was offered that job again so he'll be taking it and we'll have to work out how to split weekends. Gosh...this never ends!
Anyway, shouldn't have, but got into some talk about the past again. I asked him why the counselor had told him to write a letter to me...he reiterated that it was to concentrate on the good in me and get over his anger and hate. I asked him if he was supposed to give it to me or burn it. He said the counselor told him it was up to him. We got on the subject of how it bothers him that I said he left his family when, in his mind, he didn't have a choice. Said he threw himself at me for years and couldn't do it anymore. I told him I will never understand why he couldn't have gone to counseling. He said "I didn't want to at the time...I wasn't ready". So I asked him if he regretted not going to counseling he said "i don't know". I then asked him if he was relieved that I had given up on persuing him. He said "I don't know if I'm relieved...I just thought it would make it easier because we wouldn't fight anymore". I said you think me holding out hope for our R is what caused our fighting? He said "kind of...because I had to be careful about everything I said to you". So I asked again, but are you relieved...again he said "i don't know".
I am so confused right now. I'm not sure what to do....
Confused is my permanent state of mind these days. We go from one mood to the next in a matter of seconds!!!
Hang in there. I think your H is doing some searching. That's a good thing. He's confused too. That may also be a good thing. Your approach for not pursuing is, I think, a good one...try to keep that up. But, I wouldn't remind him that's what you're doing. I do that...tell my H when I'm giving up, etc. so that maybe he'll say, "Don't!" But, that's an unrealistic expectation on my part, and I think I'd be much more effective if I'd just stop talking about it and start doing it.
You are doing great! And, he's thinking!!!
Take care! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I don't know about him but I know that when I say "I don't know" it means one of two things... I really know what I want to say but don't know if I am sure I would like the outcome if I said it. Number 2 is I just don't have the balls to say what I really think. Most of the time the second is because I don't want to hurt her feelings. Things left unsaid don't have to be taken back. That was a ramble and may not have come out clearly. The point is he knows if he regrets or is relieved by things. For whatever his reason he's not telling you.
Me 49 W 38 M 12 T 16 Sep Mar 9 2008 2 Boys 7 and 10
I am so confused right now. I'm not sure what to do....
So how about doing nothing at all?
I understand being in 'limbo' is never any fun, but why not let things lie for now?
You have a number of questions that you must realize you might never get the answers to. Your H doesn't sound so sure himself - he's a bit confused, too, it seems, and as Amy stated, that could be a good thing.
Drop the rope. Let go. Focus on yourself and your D. Live for you.
(((((CW)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Well...let's see...short update....went to a concert lastnight. He came over to pick up D so he could spend some time with her while I was gone. When he got here I was ready for the concert...D walked out the door in front of him and he kind of gave me a weird smile and said have fun...as he turned away...I got brave and little playful and said...Hey? Do you think I look good? He said...yes you do...I said how does my butt look in these jeans and turned around. He said..."it looks good". So here is where I got really brave...I said...don't you just want to take me and make love to me right now? He said..."oh like I can do that right now...D is waiting in the car". So I said, but don't you want to? He said..."yes". I pulled him back in the house, shut the door and started kissing him. Kissed him for a bit..and then said ok...you better go.
Today he called and asked me how my concert went and to tell me he called in sick today and was in Reno with his friends. After we exchanged pleasantries I asked him if he wanted to talk to D since that's normally why he calls and he said he had already called her on her cell phone, but he wanted to find out if I had fun the night before. He told me how much fun he was having in Reno and we ended the convo.
I don't feel as anxious as I used to wondering what the motives behind his every move are, but I would be telling an untruth if I said I'm not curious as to why after all these months this is the first time he's actually called to talk to me about something other than D visitation.
One other thing....day before yesterday when he dropped D off I told him it made me sad that he always thinks the worst of me and my intentions. It was very strange...he said "no I don't..I've actually been realizing a lot of positive things about you lately" I must have looked stunned and actually so did he...he looked like he couldn't believe those words had just escaped his mouth and he then completely changed the path of the convo. Actually shook his head like he had had an out of body experience and then started saying how too much had happened in R and he couldn't get over the anger...didn't love me like he should...etc. Then out of nowhere he started asking about if any guys had been hitting on me lately. I told him actually...yes they have...I've been getting out more and men have definitely showed an interest...then he asked if any of them worked with me. I told him no. I think it's safe to say he's very confused.
Yea, I'd say very confused! And, I'm glad to know that maybe there's a point when everything my H does doesn't make me totally crazy!
Congrats on the compliments and the kissing! I can never just let it go at that...I think it would be more effective! But, now that I've agreed with myself not to sleep with him again and to try to be somewhat dark (or a least a little dim), I won't have to worry about that anyway.
I think he may be starting to really miss you. Hang in there...he may come around yet. And, if you don't want him anymore when he does, well, his loss, right?
Have a great night!!1
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I totally struggle with the sex thing. My DB Coach told me that I should continue to sleep with him, but make sure I get out of bed first and don't put any pressure on the situation. She said when he says sex "isn't a good idea" I should say..."I just want to enjoy you". I dunno what the right answer is and it's different for everyone's sitch, but I will say the other day when he was over he said he would never get over me if we continued to have sex. My response was that I didn't want him to get over me and he was silent.
I hope someday I look back on all this and know it got me to a better place, I just can't imagine that right now. My thoughts are too consumed by what if..what if...what if.
I will say the other day when he was over he said he would never get over me if we continued to have sex. My response was that I didn't want him to get over me and he was silent.
I like that
I totally understand about the all consuming thoughts. I don't have a solution-- just saying I get it.
I liked how you flirted - good job. Just keep on taking care of CW!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
CW, I hear you on the what if, what if, what if, sometimes I have to yell stop at myself in my head and "work" to change my own subject. You know what I mean.
I think the flirting is good, we are no where even close to that, so you are doing great.
Remember mystery is a good thing.
Me 41 H 42 DD 11 DS 8 M 18 bomb 8/3/06 separating 9/18/08
