Not much new talked to H earlier he was in Montreal Airport waiting to go to LaGuardia. He had to hang up to hear an announcement. Called back and his flight was delayed 2 hours...grr. Tomorrow he is supposed to fly from LaGuardia to Cincinnati to Omaha in time for the parade...
I didn't mention the Power Point and neither did he...of course I was standing in the middle of Target with two kids running and yelling so it wouldn't have been a good time....
He also said he didn't know where LaGuardia was or where his hotel was until he got there, he is staying in what he described as the Korean Ghetto with transvestite hookers standing outside his hotel building. (No offense to any transvestite hookers out there... ;))
Apparently he was unable to open my power point on his blackberry as the font was too small. So he won't be able to read it until tomorrow....oh well...
I am doing little girl ballerina twirls b/c he called to say ILY. I know I can't let him or his moods impact mine, but it is nice to see that the happy attitude I am giving him is bouncing back to me...
Yep, I am a pretty happy girl this evening. Very busy cleaning the house, I want it to look nice when H gets home. We have to talk more about this issue, but H says he was just raised to expect the mom/wife to do things like clean the house and be in charge of the kids (like giving them baths and packing them for trips, etc). I am going to hire a housecleaner b/c I don't have time either, but tonight I have energy so I am cleaning while I make a pumpkin cake for work tomorrow. I ate some batter so now I have no interest in eating the actual cake. I do the same thing w/cookie dough, I lick the mixer bowl and them I am good....I am baking for my principal, I brought in cookie bars on Monday and she saw me with the empty pan on Tuesday and "pouted" b/c she hadn't known they were there and didn't get any...
So it is 1 a.m. and I am cleaning and baking. Hmmm wish I had some wine...
I am excited for my reunion tomorrow except I will have circles under my eyes from not sleeping! But I went to Dillard's (department store in our region) and got some new Levi's bootcut jeans and a new, jade-green DKNY sweater. I don't buy things at Dillard's, I go to Target, some times Kohls and on occasion JC Penneys. So for me, it is hard to spend more than $25 on jeans or sweaters, but I forced myself... . I also got cute gold hoop earrings and gold stackable bracelets to go with it. Already have a gold necklace from H and some fake crocodile-skin heels to wear with it. Also got some of those Spanx(guys they are a product to help ladies control their tummies if they aren't in top form!) but in a cheaper brand...So ready for the dinner tomorrow night.
Have to wake up in 5 hours and have another hour of work to do...crap! Any suggestions for how to look fresh and awake when you aren't??
Reunion went fine, was lots of fun Friday night. But H was weird again yesterday, kept reminding me of pre-bomb H. Was very tense and kept looking at me Sat. afternoon. I got both kids to bed and he admitted that he feels he can't do this anymore.
He loves me, but he is not comfortable in his own home. His blood pressure has been high (175/95 yesterday) ever since he moved back in, he can't sleep, etc....He wants to live with me and the kids and be a family, but it is practically killing him to do so? To emphasize that point, we actually wound up at the ER last night after kids were in bed for the night. He had been having chest pains all day w/high blood pressure/dizziness.
Oddly enough, he wanted me to go to the ER with him, told me to go back with him when they took him back, held my hand all the way up there, and held it half the time he was in the ER...It was weird b/c when they were trying the IV for the third time the nurse said he was more tense than she had ever seen anyone, even the doctor said he was tense. So the nurse said, just look into your wife's eyes, just look at her and relax while we do this...I thought maybe looking at me would make him more tense??
But we survived the night (no heart attack, he has to go in for a stress test Monday). I slept in bed w/him last night b/c I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to die in the night and he wanted me to be there next to him.
He says there is a song on the radio by Darius Rucker called "Don't think I don't think about it" which is all about how much the guy regrets leaving his relationship. He said he is scared to death that he will regret it if he leaves me again, but he is full of anxiety and stress trying to be with me.
I have no clue what to do except to let him go. I have to be able to love someone if I am going to spend my life with them. I don't know how else to be "me"...H kept saying it isn't anything I am doing at all, he just knows how much I love him and wants to love me back in the same way but it isn't happening as hard as he is trying...........
I'm sorry things are so odd. I've never heard of this kind of a situation before. I do believe that some people are just incredibly intense, and find everything stressful, no matter what they do. I suspect that your H is like that. I hope that the doctors will find some physical cause for his problems, because I don't believe it is caused by marriage or 4 children.
Just got caught up....I am speechless. I would like to say some stuff but I am afraid that my own sitch is tainting my judgement right now.....because some of the words coming out of your H's mouth sure sound familiar. I am really praying that he is not feeling pressure from another source and that he has really cut all ties....sorry...i had to say it. I am very emotional these days and if I could I would just give you a big hug and tell you to hang in there. Do not blame yourself for what your H is going through. From where I am sitting everything he is feeling is self inflicted. Good luck to you BBJ...let us know how things go tonight.
