Reunion went fine, was lots of fun Friday night. But H was weird again yesterday, kept reminding me of pre-bomb H. Was very tense and kept looking at me Sat. afternoon. I got both kids to bed and he admitted that he feels he can't do this anymore.
He loves me, but he is not comfortable in his own home. His blood pressure has been high (175/95 yesterday) ever since he moved back in, he can't sleep, etc....He wants to live with me and the kids and be a family, but it is practically killing him to do so? To emphasize that point, we actually wound up at the ER last night after kids were in bed for the night. He had been having chest pains all day w/high blood pressure/dizziness.
Oddly enough, he wanted me to go to the ER with him, told me to go back with him when they took him back, held my hand all the way up there, and held it half the time he was in the ER...It was weird b/c when they were trying the IV for the third time the nurse said he was more tense than she had ever seen anyone, even the doctor said he was tense. So the nurse said, just look into your wife's eyes, just look at her and relax while we do this...I thought maybe looking at me would make him more tense??
But we survived the night (no heart attack, he has to go in for a stress test Monday). I slept in bed w/him last night b/c I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to die in the night and he wanted me to be there next to him.
He says there is a song on the radio by Darius Rucker called "Don't think I don't think about it" which is all about how much the guy regrets leaving his relationship. He said he is scared to death that he will regret it if he leaves me again, but he is full of anxiety and stress trying to be with me.
I have no clue what to do except to let him go. I have to be able to love someone if I am going to spend my life with them. I don't know how else to be "me"...H kept saying it isn't anything I am doing at all, he just knows how much I love him and wants to love me back in the same way but it isn't happening as hard as he is trying...........
