Close encounters of the MLC kind

[hoosiermama]

Reading through your post, I get the feeling that you had certain expectations from your H, that he was unable to meet, or unwilling. Perhaps, he is being his authentic self, and you weren't?

One more thought on this. Yes, I had expectations that, to a certain extent, he'd be strong, someone I could lean on, so I wouldn't have to be the "strong one" all the time. Because that's how he was when we first got involved romantically, and he talked a good story when he returned from the monastery. I was somewhat surprised when he turned out not to be that person, and I kept waiting for that guy to re-emerge and became angry when he didn't. I think it was all a persona that he had/has in the beginning of relationships; to be crude, when he's trying to get into someone's panties. It isn't the real him. The authentic H is not the strong one. The authentic H needs a mommy to tell him he's wonderful and special and take care of him 24/7. I think that's why he always gets involved with nurses! OW won't do that for him, but he'll find that out soon enough.

Recent example: Last summer, I had a real freak fall (I'm a klutz!) and dislocated my shoulder. It happened at work, on Mother's Day. Because they couldn't reach H (he was mowing) and because I was in tremendous pain, they called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. Eventually a really nice parishioner who is a police detective managed to reach H; he did an absolutely wonderful job of explaining without scaring H. I remember thinking--wow, this guy knows what he's doing! When H arrived, they were loading me into the ambulance--clearly a scary sight. And I was drugged to the max. But he was angry with me. That's how I knew how scared he was--his default emotion is always anger. And for once I didn't take it personally. But in that emotional state he was absolutely no help, and at the hospital I had to emotionally care for him and D, which I didn't do very well because I had an alarming amount of fentanyl onboard. I told them to go home until after they reduced my shoulder. I remember thinking--wow, it doesn't even matter to me that I have to be the caregiver when I'm the one with the injury, I just know that H doesn't have the capacity to do anything besides be pissed off until this is over. Just one of those realizations that you make and adjust to. What hurt is that it disgusted him to help me shower a few days later, and he didn't even care enough to hide it.

I didn't want a hero, you know? I didn't want someone to swoop in and save me. I just wanted a soft place to fall, someone I could lean on alternately with him leaning on me. I don't know that H has that capacity. Again, if he spends adequate time in the tunnel to gain some self-insight (something he's never had) he might be able to grow up in that regard. But that's pretty iffy. I'm not holding my breath.