So, my questions to you...do you think this is a normal part of the process, that a MASSIVE amount of negativity has to be diffused before any efforts can be made?
yes very much so, but I'd be surprised if he worked through it that quickly?? From what I'ver read the stages of reconciliation have to start with diminishing of negative emotion.
Originally Posted By: istherehope
If you said things like this to your S and he was calm, did this change your feelings afterwards?
not sure how you mean 'change their feelings afterwards'.. do you mean the resentment? diminshing it faster??
I think it has to do with being understood.. if the LBS is reacting in anger & defensive, it is hard to get validated & feel understood. If the LBS is calm & detached and just goes 'uh-huh' that isn't helpful either. It needs to be empathetic listening, IMHO.
Originally Posted By: istherehope
If your S changed and started reacting calmly to anger and upset, did this make you angry?
No, but my H (LBS) has anger issues so most times he was angry and intense it shut me down or it stirred the pot more, I got more defensive, more scared, and I retreated behind my wall to snipe at him until he went away and quit hurting me with his words.
when he can listen calmly, empathetically.. he gets a lot more out of me that is 'real'. Otherwise when he is intense & loud & angry what I can give him is pure BS.
Originally Posted By: istherehope
If you had or did offer a small olive branch to your LBS how would you have wanted to see him react?
with compassion, forgiveness, no resentment, kindness, understanding, empathy, love
good luck Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
