Close encounters of the MLC kind

[hoosiermama]

Hi, BeingMe. I believe you've hit the nail on the head! I think I was probably less of a shrinking violet then overwhelmed with being a working mom and dealing with a lot of other stuff too. Plus, I'm not sure I knew how. I gave in too easily for sure, was screaming on the inside but showing nothing on the outside until I blew up.

Funny you should say this now--well, not funny really, but prophetic because I'm dealing with/working on how not to be invisible/beige (perfect word!!)/self-concealing/aloof. D is exactly the same in that respect, and is discovering the consequences of invisibility. We talk about it sometimes, and I realize I'm talking to myself.

I have FOO issues that undoubtedly left me without knowing how to "be heard." In fact, there was a time when I was ~15 when I actually lost my voice and couldn't speak after a trauma. It didn't last long, but I remember it clearly now. So some reflection on this whole issue--being heard, having a voice--seems to be important to work through it. I know it had a role in the disaster of my last job, although I truly did try to be heard. I was just never quite successful. And certainly it was a factor in my marriage tanking.

I'm not sure we were "too different." I think our dysfunctions attracted each other and fed each other's issues. And when I got tired of doing that, I began to stuff everything to keep the peace. But of course it comes out in other ways when you do that. Mostly I really think I enabled his narcissism and immaturity. The really sad thing is, this is the example D has of marriage, and she is so like me she's likely to follow in my footsteps.

Beige--that's so perfect. It is exactly what I see when I look at myself in the mirror. The person looking back doesn't seem to be familiar at all. I had thought it was a function of aging--and that may be part of it--but I think it's much deeper. I wish it was as simple as dying my hair and changing my "look," and that wouldn't be a bad idea, really. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's how I carry myself. I worked with a seminarian a few summers ago who is no longer "in;" he gave me some great feedback (he was older and far more insightful than anyone gave him credit for). He said I was 2 different people--when I was doing pastoral visits, I owned the place. But when I walked back into the parish center I disappeared into the walls. A big light went on for me there. And another one with what you wrote. Thank you so much!! You've given me so much to chew on!!!