JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[Sanderika]

Hi all.......

My H was just here. He arrived without warning. He came in by just opening the door. He sat at the bench at the back door.

I greeted H with a very friendly hello and how have you been. H was very gruff. Very distant, not very friendly. I could tell H had something on his mind you could see the cogs turning. H barely looked at me. I was feeling very uncomfortable. I sat at the counter and proceeded to ask what brings you over here and even said you look like you have something on your mind.

He shrugged saying I don't know, nothing I guess. H asked where S12 was. I said in the livingroom on the couch watching TV. I said go in there and say hello. He shrugged again and said NO. I said go ahead you don't have to take your boots off if you don't want. He again said NO. VERY WIERD...VERY WIERD

I asked how was work. H said he was very busy. Was in Nova Scotia on Thurs. and had done another weeks worth of work since then. Said he didn't have a free day until Oct. 26. I said that was good.

H asked me why I was replacing the siding on the north side of the house, said he thought I was only going to do the back and south sides. I said we found rot in the sheathing under the corner boards and clapboards. So I decided to replace the siding and replace any rotten sheathing. He nodded OK.

I mentioned the storm Kyle and that we were not going to get the heavy rain and wind that it was going to go further down east from us towards Bay of Fundy. I said that the people who hay our fields probably won't be able to finish though because we have standing water due to the rain we had here friday and yesterday. He said that we probably true.

H was wierd and distant. Very uncomfortable himself being here. H didn't even try to be comfortable. Acted like a stranger to both me and S12.

S12 came into the kitchen to be with us and tried to scare me from behind. I could see on H's face that S12 was behind me. I turned around and jokingly said to S12 that he could not try and scare me again until January 1st. after he had scared me yesterday. We then started to laugh and tell H that S12 had scared me so bad yesterday that it made me cry. H was smiling as we were telling the story. H seemed to enjoy the goings on between us. Clearly though H did or does not feel like he belongs here.

S12 asked for something to eat...I said I would cook up some bacon for BLTs. I asked H if he was hungry he said NO. I got some bacon started and then H just up and left.

H WASN"T HERE 10 MINUTES!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!

H stood up and said I have to go. Opened the door and fled.

I went to the door and said D**** you just got here. Why are you leaving so soon. He just said I got to go. Talk to you later.

I was basically shocked, hurt, confused. I feel like I was just left for the first time again.

I went out into the rain, stocking feet and yelled down the path after him. D****, D**** Why are you leaving so fast. You act like you have something to say. Why don't you stay so we can talk. H said WHAT, WHAT....I have to go. I will talk to you later. I really think H was angry then that I called after him. I did it because I love him and I didn't understand his behavior. I wanted to run after him and hug him and tell him if he stayed we would be OK. I didn't. I didn't call H either, or try to follow him. (I thought about it though)

I swear H was wearing rockets he left here so fast. I don't understand. I am hurt and confused.

Was H here to tell me he was going to file for the D, and got cold feet?

Was H here to tell me he was going to break up with OW and give us a try, and got cold feet?

Did H cellphone ring and he knew OW was looking for him? H jumps to attention whenever OW calls him.

Was H here for no other reason than to just stop by?

Was H here to scope out the home life one last time before he made a decision? If this one is true, H found a warm, cozy home with fun, laughter and love. I did my best to make him feel good. (short of a hug and kiss, which I did not volunteer)


H told me last Thurs. that he was going to make a decision right away. I went into panic mode when I saw him this am. H showed up without any papers for me. Didn't even bring my mail and I know he has some for me.

WHAT IS H UP TO??? WHAT IS H UP TO???

Today's visit stopped me dead in my tracks. I completely lost momentum and now can't seem to function. I am a wreck. I called all my girlfriends and sister and told them. They all think H was here to tell me that he was going to file based on the fact that H was distant, unfriendly, somber, serious in behavior. H changed his mind based on what H saw. They all agree it will buy me more time. I don't want more time if it is only to prolong the inevitable.

I don't think H loves me or us. I think H is only trying to save his finances. I think H is going to ask for a D. I am sick to my stomach. Why can't H see me as wonderful, loving and caring? Why can't H see us as a wonderful family with a wonderful home? Why can't H see that we love him so very much?

WHY CAN'T H FORGIVE ME AND LET GO OF HIS RESENTMENT. WHY CAN'T H LOVE ME AND MAKE US #1 AGAIN??????????

I am so sad. I want H here......

I can't fix this. I have been dark. Being dark isn't helping us. I have been so dark that now I can't call him or approach him at all. I hate waiting for H to approach me. H is either very warm like he was on the 15th or like today, a stone cold dead fish.

What stage is H in.....MLC sucks.....It's been 37 1/2 months since this began.....enough, enough already. I think I would rather be dead than live this life. I haven't got much hope left. I don't know how to stand without help. H isn't helping, H is building a bigger and bigger wall but can't seem to tell me he's filing.

WHY DID H COME OVER HERE TODAY?????

Sanderika