Still Supportive but very distant

[JWS]

Well the dreams have been both god and bad. I think that the bad ones are a a way of processing the anger on a subconscious level, then the good ones are thrown in to ensure that I keep a high state of confusion. ☺ they are not the end of the world but they do linger and make me grumpy in the mornings, that kind of sucks because I am a morning person and generally love that time of day.

So tomorrow is the 12th year since we started dating, since we dated for 8 before we got married it has always been an important date for us. I did two things for her that together seem like a bit much but they were not intended to be paired it just worked that way with timing. Every year I have given her a long stem rose for each year. This year I still sent a dozen roses but I made them yellow so its more of a friends think and not romantic, the card just said thanks for all the years of friendship.

This week coming up is midterms, and she is stressed. At the store the other day I found season 4 of the office. She has the other three seasons and watches them to veg out and release stress, so I bought and mailed that too. She got that on Friday and sent very happy thanks a bunch!! Text.

So one was marking an important day and the other was something nice for a stressed out friend, if she takes that any other way then that’s her problem but I don’t think she will.


As for me a had a great weekend, I got to hang out with my parents, get my puppy back and I hung out with a great friend. We ended up tearing up the town and having a blast. We did have a few talks about my M. He told me he thinks its time to get a D or at very least legal S. I thanked him and said I understood where he was coming from but I have my own issues to resolve before I can walk away from her knowing I have tried my best, I don’t know what the timeline will be but thanks for caring enough to look out for me. It made me realize what great friends I have. I have talked with him and others a lot over that last 6 months and not one of my close friends have said this, they really gave me a lot of time to work on things before jumping to that conclusion and even now respect my decisions.

I think his conversation was from sensing feelings with in me. I have been thinking about it a lot and still can not answer the questions in my head, but for the first time the idea of me Ding her is in my head. Who knows what will happen but I will consider all my options. This mainly stems from her infidelity (even if is not physical) and me not wanting to be accepting of this. I can be her friend but, could I ever be her lover? Maybe but only with a ton of work that she is unwilling to do, so right now I hang around simply to wait and see but not hopeful and that I not a bad thing.

There is so much uncertainty in my future right now. In about 4 weeks I will be reassigned to a new job. I can stay where I am, go to Japan, or VA. It is all out of my hands so I try not to worry about it but I have been playing out in my head how each will effect my DBing and M. I think that if I can’t stay here Japan would give me a ton of opportunities to live for my self, and travel. It was also her top choice for our next station before she peace out.

Sorry the last half of this was just random journaling but it was helpful