Here here, separated, need advice

[istherehope]

Hi Selina,

I see a lot of positives in your situation, and to get through this, it will probably be good for you try and focus on them:

*Your H is unlikely to get an OW
*Your H is not filing for D
*Your H is saying reassuring things about your M to his sister
*Your H is seeing a therapist
*Having a child together is likely to keep him from making a rash decision
*Your H says he loves and misses you
*Your H is close to his sister so DOES have someone supportive to be there for him during this crisis, someone who seems to be supportive of your marriage

One thing I would suggest is not to bring up the topic of D again, not to ask him why he isn't doing this. Assuming that you DO want to work through things, the last thing that you'll want to do is make that thought bigger in his mind, or back him into a corner where he feels like it is the only option.

You are right that your H will not be himself. The common saying on the board is that they become aliens. It is SOOOOO true. Sometimes you can see the real H come through, and this makes it even more confusing and painful, but I think it really does help to pretend that you are talking to someone other than your H. The real person is in there somewhere, buried deep within, and I do believe that the good things you do during this time get stored up, and that your H WILL remember them when he starts getting back to normal.

Also definitely don't assume that your H does not think about your relationship and you constantly. As mine has started coming out of the fog (could be a relapse of course at any time!), he's let me know that he's missed me. Chances are pretty high that your H misses you a lot, and also is wracked with guilt, probably doesn't feel like he is good company or worth being around. One thing I would also say here is that mentioning hope does not usually seem to work with the depressed WAS. I did this a few times, and was really burned by it. The ONLY time that it worked was right before the fog started to lift, when he mentioned the D word, and I calmly said that if it were him in my position wouldn't he want to make sure that he had tried everything possible etc. I think that when they are SO unhappy abut everything in their lives, and we come back to them with optimism and hope, it seems to them like we don't get it, don't get their pain etc. To them it may be that we are not getting the fact that they are deciding whether in fact they even want to be married, not just whether they want to be with us.

You said that you believe in your gut that you will be the one to make the final call on the R. What is your gut telling you to do now?

For what it's worth, I have a 34 year old friend who divorced her H over an MLC last year. We just reconnected a few days ago, and she told me that she wished she'd stuck it out. They separated in October last year, and he was back to normal by March. By then, she was already too deep in the D process, and felt like she couldn't back out. She said they had always been really good friends, and she, as a recovering control freak, wished that she'd trusted that life would work out with him. Her advice to me was to deal with being uncomfortable for as long as possible before making any final decisions...

Anyway I don't mean to ramble on. I just really do see a lot of positives here. I'd really recommend talking to a DB coach at least once if at all possible to see whether maybe there are some strategies that you could start putting to use, if you do want to make things work.

ITH