Q&A with the WAS

[istherehope]

Hi,

Adding questiions here for the WA spouses on this board...I know I am in a different sitch as I have a WAH, but it's still always useful. Sorry to be so wordy, but I think the background will help before asking the questions...

In a nutshell, my H has been depressed, maybe some form of MLC (but without OW) etc. for the past few months. I've been living out of the country for a bit on foreign assignment (free way to do a trial separation) and H finally asked when I was coming back. He FREAKED out as though he had thought that I would never be returning, made some ludicrous suggestions about me going other places to work for a few more months etc. This was first by IM and then by phone, and I had never seen or heard such ridiculous spew, being married to me was like prison, I was a bully, couldn't I just leave him alone, I was so selfish etc., etc. It was like a temper tantrum. I was about 75% good, a few backslides talking about how I'd changed, and pushing the fact that I wanted to work on the relationship, but given what I was dealing with, I think I did well.

The next day it was like the fog lifted and there was a rainbow. He wrote me this email that was the first positive thing I've heard from him in ages. It wasn't all positive of course, but he said he missed me, and was willing to try (although still skeptical and not wanting to live together). I didn't respond to the email right away as I wanted to think about it. The next morning I got an IM asking if I'd seen it. I was away, and when I came back just changed the subject. He then asked me again if I'd seen it a couple of hours later, said the main messages were he missed me, and was willing to try, and we'd see where things go.

I told him yes that I had just wanted to think things through before responding. He said no response needed but I did so anyway just thanking him for having the courage to share his feelings with me, agreeing that we should take things slow, and validating wherever I could without being too eager.

So, my questions to you...do you think this is a normal part of the process, that a MASSIVE amount of negativity has to be diffused before any efforts can be made? If you said things like this to your S and he was calm, did this change your feelings afterwards?

If your S changed and started reacting calmly to anger and upset, did this make you angry?

If someone who has spoken only in absolute negatives for the past few months suddenly starts acting a little bit positive, does this seem like a true sign of improvement? If, in your sitches, you ever said positive things did you mean them even if you didn't mean all of the negatives?

If you had or did offer a small olive branch to your LBS how would you have wanted to see him react?

Thanks for your insight. As of now I am just acting like it's business as usual, not reaching out to H, responding only reactively and matching his tone etc.

ITH