Close encounters of the MLC kind

[hoosiermama]

okay, temporary resolution to the financial problem; H agreed to "lend" me some money until I get paid next week, but he wants it back. Gee, what a guy. It's his fault I'm in this spot, he makes more than twice what I do--but he'll lend me some money for necessities and insists on splitting bills 50/50. Oh, but he doesn't want an adversarial divorce. Mmm hmmm. No, he wants to look like a good guy to his friends and colleagues. But clearly without sharing the gory details.

I'm trying to work through this state of mind/heart to see what I can learn from it. Reading through some others' threads, I came across the question (to paraphrase): if this were an idea world, what would my life look like? (Thanks FrankD.)

My initial thought was, I'd want it to be pretty much as it was before the bomb and the job bomb (both occurred mid-May). Because the externals were what I've always wanted: marriage with my soulmate and a family, and a job in ministry.

However, I was intensely unhappy while I had those things, and I knew it and was aware of the internal conflict. But unable to bring things together. I didn't like myself much because of that. If I could be a better wife, H might be able to be more emotionally intimate and I could heal and be more physically intimate. But how to do that without losing myself, denying every need I had and getting swallowed up in H's narcissism and immaturity--never figured that out. He wanted me to be his wife as well as his mother, and I don't think that's possible. My real failure in all that was not finding ways to meet my own needs. If I had prioritized those, I'd have been less resentful. H may have left sooner, but at least I'd have had some self-respect. And four months later, I still don't know how to do that. At this point I think depression and complete lack of energy is contributing to that, but still--I don't know what I need aside from the really obvious foundation of Maslow's hierarchy (food, shelter, sleep). The frustrating thing for me is that after my last divorce I did intensive work on how I got there and how to avoid getting there again, and I knew this was an issue for me. And I vowed never to ignore my needs again. And there I was, in the early days of our marriage, living in another state, working in a really hideous job environment while H blossomed in graduate school and had tons of friends. I was intensely lonely, there was a glut of nurses in the area and hence, few jobs. And when I tried to turn to H for support, he told me I was jealous of his success. He still says that. It isn't true; if he had simply made an effort to spend time with me, connect more with me and perhaps a bit less with all his friends and colleagues, and not continually told me "don't lose this job!" I wouldn't have felt so isolated. And from there I felt steamrollered, as if I didn't matter. Yes, in the early days I tried to discuss it, tried to work with it, but H was less than receptive. I wish I could say I know what I'd do differently, but I really don't.

I tried to make a fresh start when we moved back to Indianapolis after his grad school, and for awhile things were good. We had a house, we had a baby, I had a job with much better hours and much fewer abusive co-workers, so I was able to meet most of my needs. H was a good father, loved being a father and having a family. But when I lost another baby and H did some profoundly abandoning things during the course of that, I was completely unable to connect with him. Who leaves their wife alone to labor with a dead baby to get coffee in the cafeteria for 3 hours? It was several years before I could even talk about that with him, it hurt so much. I first brought it up during Retrouvaille, and he got it. Very apologetic, very healing. And Retrouvaille was a very good thing. The connections we made from that weekend lasted several months. But then I felt very much as if I was the one making all the sacrifices, doing all the work while H continued to go off and do his own things. I think I might have given up then in some ways, recognized that H just didn't have the capacity to be any more than what he was, that he felt I should meet his needs but probably didn't have any of my own. And it was just the path of least resistance to go along with it. BTW--not that I brought it up with any frequency at all, but he now denies not being there during my labor. As if I could ever forget how that felt.

When I got the ministry job, it was a very fulfilling thing. I could pour myself into it and actually get a lot back, which wasn't happening in my marriage. And I knew that, and I was fully aware of the potential for eclipsing my marriage. But it was too consuming. I was good at it. I was very good at it. And while I didn't get much positive feedback from my co-workers, I knew I was growing spiritually, and that God was working through me. And H was, at that point, just living a parallel life. At first he was supportive, but then developed his own conflicts within the community and left it. I tried to connect with him and with his interests, but in reality the only thing we had in common was raising D. The dysfunction on our staff grew and grew, and became increasingly stressful although the work itself continued to be a blessing. It took a lot of energy to be able to continue the work under the circumstances, and I didn't have a lot of support anywhere. I knew they'd eventually push me out, and I tried to eliminate ways they could do that and just focused on the work itself, but eventually it happened, of course. At the same time H was working on his exit affair. And there we are. I think H may actually be right--it never was a good marriage, although I don't think it was all my fault.

Sorry, this got way too long. So--I had the externals of my "perfect life" but they were really empty houses. Both foreclosed at the same time! Will I work in ministry again? I hope so, but in a more healthy environment. Will H and I ever get back together? I hope not. He's done a lot of abandoning in our relationship, and this is just another one--a big one. Don't know if I can ever get past it. The only thing I can ever imagine making it change is if H goes through the tunnel of MLC and does all the work it requires to be whole again, and comes out the other end more mature and less self-centered, if he comes out a grown-up. That will require an act of God, quite literally, as well as H being open to living an authentic life rather than simply finding sources to provide him adoration (he's entitled to it, you know). I am open to miracles, and in fact have learned to expect them. But I think it will take a long, long time if it ever happens, and I just need to focus on healing and making a life for D and me and let it go. Fortunately, H's behavior is making that relatively easy.