Thanks girls for checking in on me... I dont know where to start, my emotions are so up and down, and I'm uncentered and undetached and its not good!
So after the "I can watch porn and sleep with other women conversation", I didnt initiate any contact. I ignored a text message sent on Wednesday night. But I dont think ignoring the text made H pursue me. On Friday I backed down, and asked him if he wanted to go to an Oktoberfest event. We agreed to meet on Sat aftenoon. I went to H's 'flat' beforehand for the first time. Its a total dive - disgusting. But I tried to think of the positives and told him I was impressed with how tidy he is keeping it. When we got there he told me that one of his mates was actually there too with another friend. So we met up with them which was nice - I felt like Oktoberfest was a true male bonding event. H's friends were SOOOOooo nice to me. They were fun. While H was getting drinks one of them danced with me - pulling a move (obviously drunk, but still flattering). H was still pretty attentive, but not as much fun as his friends. We held hands (initiated by me) walking back to the car, and then we went and watched a rugby game (180 for me, I kept my mouth shut and just watched the game). H hadn't shaved, which I take as a sign that he doesnt want to make out, or at the minimum it shows he hasnt taken much care with his appearance to impress me! H walked me back to my car and I left with lip kisses but not passionate kisses. We were close to H's house so he could have invited me in.
So the positives were * H paid for EVERYTHING, the whole night * We kiss naturally, like thats normal * If H's team one the game that we watched he talked about how he would fly me to Sydney next weekend to watch the game and we would stay in a flash motel
Negatives were * He didnt pull any moves or make any suggestions physically * I did all the initiating * No compliments
We interacted today, but I can hardly be bothered typing it! So over the drama. So confused. So dont know if H is going to be enough. So dont know if I am strong enough to keep doing this.... I want something fulfilling and this isnt, this is me playing a game and trying to be cool, and him being a dick and me pretending that its OK.
P.S Have ordered some books from amazon and I have read 2 (will read passionate marriage next T!). I'm getting confused about what my game plan is. AAAAAAHHHHHH! I thought I was supposed to be giving him room, but the books kind of swayed me and I started feeling sorry for H, and I think I stepped too far towards him and now he has backed off. See paragraph above for how crap this is making me feel.
