Here here, separated, need advice

[istherehope]

Hi Selina,

Your sitch sounds a little bit like mine, in terms of the way that your H is acting, and it is only now, after nearly 3 months of separation, that I am seeing real rays of hope. I'll tell you a little bit about what I've been going through, in case it is helpful to you, and share a few suggestions...

You're 33, me too. My H just turned 36. I know yours is a little bit younger, but I wouldn't completely rule out some form of midlife crisis. In my case I think that my H has some combo of light MLC and depression. Does it really matter whether your H is depressed, in MLC etc.? Maybe not, but if you look at the patterns associated with both of these issues, it might help you to feel a little more calm about the situation, and to get a better perspective on what COULD be going on with your H.

I trust him when he says he is faithful and not in that frame of mind. He says his feelings haven't changed, but he is enjoying therapy and it does seem that he is coming to some realizations. He waffles and says he sees a light at the end of the tunnel but doesn't know what it means and then says (when angry) he doesn't want to be my husband.

This sounds exactly like my H, at least until a few days ago. My H has been extremely depressed, and seeing a therapist. He used the same terminology almost about the light at the end of the tunnel, not knowing what it meant, and not feeling like he wanted to be married any more. Hold onto your emotions for awhile, because it is possible you have not heard the worst of it yet. My H also recently said that "marriage with me was like prison". I could not make him go back to it, etc. However after all of those things had been said and I remained calm, he started to soften...

You will hear this from everyone, and it is something that I didn't believe until recently, "believe none of what they say." This is especially true of someone who is very depressed. Your H is probably seeing everything through the tinted lenses of depression, including you and the marriage.

What I didn't get from your post, so I am not sure about, is how you have been reacting to the things that your H is saying? Are you validating his anger? Are you remaining calm while he spits his venom?

It's also really typical for the WAH to feel guilty, like he doesn't deserve you or anything else. This is another reason why it is good to never show that you are upset, then he won't need to feel as guilty. It is also good to try and say things that can help build up his self esteem, whenever possible, so that he can start to feel like he is giving something back to you.

You said that you feel like he "broke your marriage." Completely understandable, especially given that you have a child. HOWEVER, if you want to make things work, you'll have to let that thought go for awhile and look at the things that you can fix about yourself. While it may very well be that 99% of the problems were his fault, there is still something that you can probably change about you, or the way that you interact with him to make improvements. Unfortunately you can't change HIM, although you can help him choose you and the marriage by making yourself as appealing as possible.

You mentioned the space as well. I am not a fan of separations to be honest, and to this day don't believe in them. This doesn't mean though that good can't come of them. I'm in Poland and my H is in Dublin, and we're both American. We are in a very weird sitch. I have seen him only once over the past 2 months, and it has been hell for me. However I believe that it has given him something that he needed, and 2 days ago for the first time he admitted to missing me. I gather that when the WAH is depressed, one of the things that happens is that emotions go sort of cold. My H said he was "dead inside" and had no idea how he felt about seeing me. He had no desire to see me or not see me, and wanted the space to miss me. It could be the same for you. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I can only imagine how much harder this must be with a child. At the same time I think your child might help you save your M. It keeps you tied together and bonded, and WHEN your H comes out of this, he is not going to want to lose the relationship with his daughter. I think a baby is a very good reason to fight for a marriage.

I hope you can hang in there. I'd also suggest reading through some of the MLC resources on the MLC forum...

ITH