Sorry you're feeling so unsettled. As you mentioned, I can DEFINITELY relate. I'm starting to feel a little calmer though but only just, and it's been nearly 3 months! I could be wrong, but I'm wondering if it's also a little harder for you because at first you were seeing each other more, having the joint sessions and such and now contact has decreased? I say this because this is how it was for me. I thought H and I were WAY further along in the process than we actually were. This is because at the beginning we had future talk etc. However I think, and I could be wrong, that for those of us with marriages in real crisis states, the whole thing has to start over. It seems like there almost isn't any way around a complete fresh start, around going through all of the stages, even if the way the stages look is different for different couples.
I agree, it isn't fair that your H walked out on his M vows. It's definitely true. It's true for each one of us with a WAS, but if we want to have them come back to us, we have to keep in mind that on some level they probably believe that we disrespected our marriage vows in other ways, and most of us probably did to some degree.
I think, and I hate to say this, that in stage 1 (if this is where you are), you really do have to act as-if nothing bothers you to avoid conflict. You have to believe that your H is not being rational, and that it's not actually him talking to you. A few weeks of this, and I almost guarantee that he will start to soften to you. I don't think that this means you are a doormat. I think this means that you are the one who is consciously working on the relationship, and you have to assume that he isn't. This doesn't mean he has no hope. He just doesn't share the convictions that you do at the moment, or if he does, they are buried right now. In fact, back to the doormat thing, I think that being able to deal with the WAS nonsense makes you a very STRONG person. You are only showing that you are a calm, confident, and serene person. Of course you can't do this for the rest of your marriage, but the idea is that it is a stage that you will work through...
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
