That's a REALLY common WAH saying, "I have nothing to offer." I have heard those exact words. It doesn't seem to work to say "yes you do." What I think is starting to work in my own sitch is to SHOW H how much I am learning from him. I am doing this by ALWAYS highlighting things that he is teaching me, giving me. For example, have you thought about maybe talking about something you've learned from him over the S period, something genuine, like being more laid back or something along these lines? A line I like to use with my H is "I've taken a page from your book", or "I never thought of that before, but after seeing you do this I thought I'd give it a try as well..." You've said your biggest need is stability. However ARE you learning something from the turmoil? Is there something positive you can say about what this situation is teaching you? My H also said "would I really want him the way that he is now." I am going to tell him yes I would, because I actually like him the way he is now, and give some examples about how he is now that is different than before, but that I understand he doesn't feel he is very good company right now and has some things to work through on his own.
Basically anything that demonstrates how much value they are adding to our lives can, I think, start to slowly rebuild their confidence.
Hope you are feeling a little bit better today!
ITH
Last edited by istherehope; 09/27/0810:02 AM.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I figure it is just another alien hubby saying. I will try your suggestions and really look for things to affirm to let him know that I do want him the way he is and that I do not need 100% stability at this moment (as far as financial, place to live, future plans, etc) I just need stability within the relationship that he CAN give me right now even if he does not have a job or know what is going to happen in the next month. I just need to talk to him. . .
He is still MIA at the moment. I have not texted him since Thursday afternoon. Kinda frustrated about that. I don't know why he is ignoring me again. If he is just done then he needs to say that but when he says things like "I haven't given up yet" and agrees when I say we should talk more often then he should follow through on that. I know he is in his "cave" and that I can't pester him out of it, which is why I am dark right now. But the longer this goes on the more irratated and angry I am becomming. I am his wife for goodness sake! He should want to talk to me, he should miss me and want to make plans to see me. Whatever.
I'm just kinda mad today about the whole thing. There are soo many resons that I would have to be justified in walking away from this whole thing and moving on and finding someone new but in the back of my mind I just want him. I hate that! Why can't I just let this go? He is making it obvious that he does not care about me and why should I be wasting my time on a man who does not know how to treat me with respect and love, even just common curtusy at this point would be helpful! He says we are such great friends, well dear good friends don't go days on end without talking to their good friends!!! Ugh.
Sorry for the rant. I've just been cycling through this stuff this morning when I couldn't fall back asleep so it's been bitting away at me for awhile now. I guess the anger helps me to detach but sometimes I want it to be the final act of detachment and not just to help me get through the next few days until he decides Im worth speaking to again. . .he has no idea how lucky he is to have someone like me in his life and yet at every turn he treats me terribly and I just keep coming back for more like some abused puppy. Sickening really.
Ok. . .rant over. I got stuff to do today! I'll check in later should anything happen.
One thing that might help is to remember that even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes, i.e. with ML and the pretty frequent contact, you are probably still in stage 1. This is NOT the time where you want your H to be making decisions. If you push him, he IS likely to just say he's had enough. You're right he should miss you, and want to see you and all of that. However, who's to say that he doesn't?
Just because he isn't calling you, texting you etc., does not mean you aren't always on his mind. My H told me he missed me for the first time on Thursday, after the day before telling me marriage to me was like prison. It took a LOOOONNNNG time to get to that point. Now I am sure we are at that point for awhile, as he even reiterated the next day. However we're only at that point because I quit trying to talk to him about his feelings for me. I think it was him seeing that I could handle his anger that allowed him to soften.
What helped me, and I don't know if it will help you, was looking at the MLC poster happy_again I know your H is too young for an MLC, but so many of the symptoms seem to be similar. It really helped me to look at this person's posts as they were so angry initially, so childish, but started softening day by day. It really reminded me of what my WAH seemed to be doing, and maybe yours too...
So you haven't heard from him for 2 days. This isn't that bad. There are plenty of people on the boards who go weeks without contact. Can you maybe give him through the weekend to show that you get it, that you understand that you don't need to pressure him, and then send him on text on Monday (if you don't hear from him in the meantime) asking him how his weekend was or something? I think this would really show him how strong you are...
Anyway I hope you feel better soon!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I can wait this out, it isn't that bad, I have stuff to do and work on to keep me busy. It's more or less a matter of principle.
I guess I am in a different spot than most of the people on these boards because I am really young and everything in my life is unstable, not just my marriage. If I had a career, own apartment or house, and my own life settled it would not be that bad. However until we figure out what to do about us I am kind of stuck. I am still looking for a second job so that I can move out on my own and while I do think that will make this easier as I will have my own space I do not like the idea of working 50-60 hours a week just to make ends meet because my husband decided to abandon his wedding vows. At the risk of sounding like a child, it's just not fair. Especially knowing that he is unhappy where he is now too. At least when we are together we have our own house and our own things. I know you can relate to this too because of your sitch and being in Poland.
And the other thing I am stressed about now is that even if we work our way through the stages again one fight could send us back to the bottom again. I can't live my life with each fight having the potential to tear us apart again. Yet I also can't live my life as a doormat and pretend that nothing bothers me simply to avoid conflict.
It's just a yucky little life I have built for myself through many many mistakes and now I have to deal with the consequences. I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water at this point.
Sorry you're feeling so unsettled. As you mentioned, I can DEFINITELY relate. I'm starting to feel a little calmer though but only just, and it's been nearly 3 months! I could be wrong, but I'm wondering if it's also a little harder for you because at first you were seeing each other more, having the joint sessions and such and now contact has decreased? I say this because this is how it was for me. I thought H and I were WAY further along in the process than we actually were. This is because at the beginning we had future talk etc. However I think, and I could be wrong, that for those of us with marriages in real crisis states, the whole thing has to start over. It seems like there almost isn't any way around a complete fresh start, around going through all of the stages, even if the way the stages look is different for different couples.
I agree, it isn't fair that your H walked out on his M vows. It's definitely true. It's true for each one of us with a WAS, but if we want to have them come back to us, we have to keep in mind that on some level they probably believe that we disrespected our marriage vows in other ways, and most of us probably did to some degree.
I think, and I hate to say this, that in stage 1 (if this is where you are), you really do have to act as-if nothing bothers you to avoid conflict. You have to believe that your H is not being rational, and that it's not actually him talking to you. A few weeks of this, and I almost guarantee that he will start to soften to you. I don't think that this means you are a doormat. I think this means that you are the one who is consciously working on the relationship, and you have to assume that he isn't. This doesn't mean he has no hope. He just doesn't share the convictions that you do at the moment, or if he does, they are buried right now. In fact, back to the doormat thing, I think that being able to deal with the WAS nonsense makes you a very STRONG person. You are only showing that you are a calm, confident, and serene person. Of course you can't do this for the rest of your marriage, but the idea is that it is a stage that you will work through...
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I think you are right, I am more frustrated because we had made so much progress so fast after a month of not really talking and being truly separated. So I figured that we would just keep going up and that would be it, it would only take us a few months because we are young and have only been married for a couple of years. However maybe it is harder because we are young. Who knows.
I am feeling a little better today, I talked to my best friend and she always makes me feel calmer since I can just vent and get it all out there. The people in Petco probably didn't care too much. . .hehe.
I know I have said it before but I just need to get on with my life as if I am not going to have him in it. Then I will feel more stable and secure and will not be quite as affected by his moods and actions as I am now. I do not want to work two jobs, truth be told I don't even want the one, but I don't see another way out at the moment. I got stuck with our credit card debt because I kept the furniture and the laptop (which was mine in the first place) Currently I pay nearly $100 a month just to store my stuff. I can find a decent apartment here for around $650 a month so I need to make around $1800 a month to be able to cover my expenses. The really frustrating thing is that my current job is so unstable, one week I'll have full time hours and the next week I will have 12 hours. It's sooo hard to depend on but I have only been there 6 months and my resume is shot to pieces because I have had sooo many jobs since getting married. I have 5 W2 forms last year at tax time. Ugh. So far this year I have only had two. Moral of the story is I need to keep my current job for awhile longer until I can find something else to cover the bills.
On the plus side when I get a second job I will have even less time to think about hubby and everything but there will also be less time to spend together, should he decide he wants to again in the future. . .but maybe that would be something to help him make the decision to move in with me, to help me with my bills, Once he gets a job anyways. I was reading in Mars/Venus that men need to feel needed but not feel neediness. Kinda a fine line. I don't think my hubby feels that I need him. In fact he has said that before. I can say, flat out, that I do need him but he doesn't seem to get it. When we go without contact he thinks I am doing fine without him. I don't know what to do about this because I am supposed to make him think I am fine without him, according to DB but then I got Mars/Venus saying he needs to feel needed. Oy!
Sorry that probably seemed like rambling. I am just crazy mixed up today.
Hey Daisy!!! Oh trust me I think the same thing...that it's not fair having to work a 50-60 work week but you know what in the end it's worth it. I am maintaining my owm apt and doing well. All the time keeps me busy and from thinking too much of the sitch.
Wasn't one of your H's wishes that you were more independent? Having your own place would be extremly independent and not to mention it feels great for yourself to be able to look around your place knowing that it is YOURS!!! Win/Win!! Also not to mention it will be easier for you two to have more alone time when you see each other.
Hang in there you are going to be fine. Just because he is not calling/texting does not in any way mean that he is not thinking of you. I believe that sometimes the WAH feel guilty and this is why they do not reach out half as much as they would like to.
I want to echo what Sep said about not assuming that your H is not thinking about you. You have no idea what he is thinking about, and my money is on the fact that he thinks of you a LOT.
The WAHs usually DO feel guilty, and especially if really confused, probably don't want to reach out, potentially give us false hope, potentially be mean to us etc. It's a common story. I think we all see it. When he does come around, the best thing will be if you can show that you have not been impacted by his silence, or by any of the hurtful things that he may have said. It will also help a lot if he sees that you have your own things going on. This doesn't mean you don't want him around, and him saying that you are doing fine without him may just be another way to appease his own guilt. My H ALWAYS says things like "you're on an adventure" or other things to make it sound like I am really in such a great place and everything is OK, like I am th lucky one. I don't think he could live with himself if he thought that he had made me really miserable, probably the same with your H.
And yeah, the financial situations they put us in are not fair at all. I'm right there with you. Try to hang tight though. Please keep having faith in your situation. I still think it is really positive.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I do look forward to having my own place to live for all the reasons you said, especially about having alone time with my hubby. It would be much much easier to have him come over if he didn't have to deal with being around my family and could have space to stay a night or two if he wanted. So I guess it will have to be worth the extra work. There is an IKEA close to where I live and was thinking that they probably have jobs open. I could always look into it. . .could certainly use that discount myself!!!
We did end up talking yesterday. I sent a text asking how his day was going since I knew he was not excited about going. So he texted back and forth every hour or so, when he is at this job he cannot text right away. But he seemed in a good mood even though he was not happy to be at work, he sounded more like hubby and not alien hubby. Which is always good! Late at night I was going to bed and he said goodnight and then I asked if he was working today and he said he got called in and had just found out about an hour beforehand. But he made it clear that he was not happy about being called in. So I do not know for sure but maybe he was unhappy in part because it meant we could not hang out. I am bummed that we could not get together but at the same time at least he has a good reason and is not just blowing me off. So maybe we can find a time this week, even if only for a couple of hours on a night when I work.
I'm starting to feel more positive about things and feel more hopeful that we can patch things up. I still have moments where I think that maybe someone else would be better for me but they leave my mind when I am texting or talking to him. Weird huh?
So far this week my to do list look like this:
1. Apply for more jobs (at least ten more applications)
2. Go to a weight watchers meeting this week to see if it is something I want to do
3. Make plans with my BFF to take a beginners knitting class
4. Have my first IC appointment (Thursday)
5. Finish reading Mars/Venus and take notes/journal
In addition to this I am working four days this week. So I think I have more than enough going on to keep me busy. But I do hope that I can spend at least one evening with my hubby to get things moving forward again.
