Here is an article that I think explains what PDT and others are telling you. It is from Dr. Bob Huizenga, a psychologist. It fits right in with the advice given here to work toward gaining more control in your dealing with your H. I hope it helps!!
Steve **************************************************************
Feature Article What do You Put Up With?
When facing infidelity and an extramarital it is almost second nature to tolerate and put up with behaviors and situations that are destructive, demoralizing and painful.
Some pull the trigger immediately, saying, in one form or another, "enough is enough. I will not for one second more tolerate or put up with this behavior. These are the options."
However, most are less likely to pull such a trigger for fear of losing the marriage, for fear of being alone, for a genuine love and affection for the cheating spouse and for a number of other reasons.
And so... they tolerate and put up with sometimes seemingly intolerable behaviors, attitudes and circumstances.
This is what we are addressing here.
Tolerations demand a great deal of energy. They are a huge drain! They keep you off track and doing what might work best to resolve the affair and infidelity.
One of the first steps in moving toward fewer tolerations is to be aware of what it is that you tolerate and put up with.
Awareness, in and of itself, often sets off a chain reaction whereby you begin to address and take care of those tolerations, ridding your life of them and enabling you to live with more freedom and power.
And...this is good, is it not?
Awareness begins with recognizing that there are pivotal tolerations. In other words, you can group tolerations together. You can bunch them. You can see patterns and themes.
And, once you do this, once you begin to take care of one tolerations, the dominos begin to fall and you find a number of them are eradicated from your life.
Let's take a look at some pivotal tolerations that I collated from your responses to my survey on "What do you tolerate and put up with with your infidelity?"
Here are some pivotal tolerations:
1. Tolerating increasingly dysfunctional, isolated and crazy-making life
sex addiction, gambling, drinking, Atmosphere of not knowing, deception, lying These behaviors become crazy-making. You begin to doubt yourself and your world. Who can you trust? What can you trust?
Although lying and deception is a part of all infidelity (secrets destroy, do they not?) I lump the two above together because they are most perniciously found in the "I Can't Say NO" kind of affair.
Those of you who face that kind of affair, most likely tolerate the above.
2. Tolerating uproar and increasingly severe problems that are not resolved
Children/family suffers Lack of teamwork, pulling together Lifestyle of Chaos and Drama Lack of commitment to agreements These tolerations raise their head mostly in the "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love" kind of affair and probably to some degree in the "My Marriage Made Me Do It" kind of affair.
Problem solving and teamwork go out the window. And, what I hear from many, is that this disintegration may occur rapidly, coming out of nowhere. Again, the onset of early adolescence seems sometimes, to trigger this in a spouse most vulnerable to what his/her children experience in this stage of development.
3. Tolerating my painful and helpless feelings
Victim of my feelings and sensitivity Lack of attention, validation Isolation The "offended" spouse in the "My Marriage Made me Do It" and the "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" affair" often is racked by these feelings and does not know where to go with them or what to do with them.
His/her spouse is either oblivious to his/her needs or just plain doesn't care about them.
One ends up tolerating a lonely world bereft of affirmation and validation.
4. Tolerating put downs and rage
Lack of Respect Become the Target of Blame and Criticism Abuse These tolerations occur when the infidelity is a symptom of deeper, underlying, disturbed affect (feelings) and/or a characterological problem.
In other words, this person is pretty far gone. The infidelity may appear as "I Can't Say No" where the addiction has progressed to a fairly severe stage or the "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" where the rage affair predominates. (The difference between revenge and rage affair here is dramatic and important to recognize.)
5. Tolerating playing second fiddle
Demeaning arrogant attitude Putting up with a demeaning or arrogant attitude is usually displayed, in a rather benign way, in the "I Don't Want to say No" affair where the wayward spouse is usually a philanderer and believes that s/he is entitled to this sort of gratification. The often quiet message is, "What's your problem? This is no big deal."
Those on the receiving end of the "My Marriage Made Me Do It" and the "I Fell out of Love... and just love being in love" my experience this as well, since the expressed devotion of the spouse is toward the other person. The "offending" spouse here often firmly believes that s/he has "found it!" Everything else becomes secondary.
6. Tolerating ambivalence and needs not met
Exceedingly poor communication Victim of mixed messages and uncertainty Uncertainty about my wants, desires This sort of ambivalence is played out in the "I Want to Be Close to Someone...but can't stand intimacy" affair.
Push-pull. Back and forth. Is s/he? Isn't s/he? What makes this different from the "I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love" affair is the subtly and the obtuseness of the messages. This is like a very quiet roller coaster.
You move up and down but it's a gentle ride. You often need to guess or engage in mind-reading.
So, what are your pivotal tolerations?
Awareness if the first step.
Please know there is more material, much more material, coming on this topic.
If interested, you might want to sign up for the RSS feed on my blog. I blog every day and some of the material will be on the blog and not in the newsletter. ... just so much room.
