ok all, I think I'm ready to express the way I feel.

I feel like H is using me. I feel like he is mourning OW and would get back together with her in a heartbeat. I feel like I am invisible to H except when he is lonely. H gets whatever he wants with me.

It's like, H desires me, H finds me funny, H enjoys my company. But, that doesn't seem to phase H. I feel like saying to H, "HELLO?! Maybe you LOVE ME?!"

Sigh.

Ok. H is in therapy now. FINALLY dealing with his self-loathing issues. When he talks about the OW, I basically reinforce to him about how he put himself in a destructive relationship b/c that is what he feels he deserves (b/c he doesn't believe that he deserves anything better). OW cheated on him while they were together (Karma's a bitch!) And H says that he did infidelity once (with me...aren't I lucky) and that he isn't THAT person who would do it again and OW is just a serial cheater. I listen to him and I just think, "you totally deserve all of this."

Ok. About how I feel:
1) Sometimes, when I'm with him, I want to turn the other way and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. This drama JUST ISN"T ME. This isn't me! I hate stuff like this! I want to be with someone who knows he wants to be with me. I want to be with someone who isn't constantly looking for the next thing. I know what it means to be content. I don't need this drama.

2) I don't even know what I love about H anymore.

3) I can't wait to get the heck out of this house and into my own place. I'm also incredibly depressed that it looks like we are going to lose money on the house b/c of the sucky housing market right now. I'm upset about losing the money, but there is a bigger part of me that just doesn't care and just wants to GET OUT.
I just don't want to deal with packing. UGH. Anyone have any advice as to how they handled packing away/separating your stuff from H? I actually feel sort of sick just thinking about it. Am I supposed to take our wedding album? I wish it would all just disappear.

Ok...enough venting for now!

H & I, both 32, together since 18.
*M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08
* Agreed to D 6/09...very hard
*D 8/10
* At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF