Hi SC.. the hair.. well.. it's taking some getting used to. My D says I look like a groomed irish setter. I need to learn how to style this cut. I hate learning how to style..
I was never the girl that spent hours in the bathroom trying new hair styles. In the late 70's the afro-look was a god-send.. the ultimate wash & go!
I tried a 180 with H yesterday, instead of guilting him about his shoving me behaviour I called him on it(again) and told him it is unacceptable to me and I also recognized that he sees it in the same light and I appreciated him owning his actions in the room & seeking forgiveness. I owned up that I could see how my behaviour and words in the room helped feed his fears of abandonment and that I would work hard in the future to be more sensative to that fear and find a way to share my fears without poking at his. He got teary-eyed.
I am willing to spend time with him in small doses so he can show me the changes that he is making and the love he professes, to help build the trust.
But that when I say I have had enough, then I need space, quit clinging, quit whining, quit pleading. Let me go do my thing, so I can have a chance to come back willingly. He said he understood and would try.
It was a tense ride up & there were a couple times things started to degrade, but we both recognized it and 'walked away' from it, revisiting it when we were both calmer.
Our C said the communication wheel won't work if we don't have an 'i care about you' attitude. And that despite H's claims to love me, his actions speak much louder than his words.
The C. said he wants to work on H's issue of fear of abandonment next week & see him by himself and then see me about the same issue the following week by myself, and then us together again the 3rd week. He agreed to come in next week, I told him I needed to think about coming in by myself but I was willing to come in as a couple.
When we got back to the car I asked H what he had thought about C's request for separate sessions... long story short... he is frustrated by this C's approach to 'let's go all the way back to your childhood/beginning of your marriage and figure out the 'reason' why there are personal issues you bring to the table, without providing solutions for how to more effectively use the tools he gave us.
I told him I agreed, expressed my frustration in that I feel that today our R is in a worse place than it was when we started the communications counseling (I thought it was helping at first, but for conflict resolution.. the C has really dropped the ball for us)
However, I also shared with H that I thought the understanding personal issues & working on one's self was important as well, but in conjunction with solutions that would help build trust, compassion, etc as couple.
We brainstormed ideas for a new C. And never really came away with a plan. I will probably revisit that with him today or tomorrow.
I shared some pieces with H about my job search fears: related to financial concerns of replacing the salary & benefits of this current job, moving D, finding what I want for a job in this part of the state, etc. He was a good listener & I thanked him profusely, even giving him hugs. It did feel good.
Thanks for stopping by and for the hugs & support.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
