I am a great advocate of exposure and stopping the secrecy.
I jusy wanted to prepare you though for the fact that people at your H's work might already know. I was shocked to discover all the staff at my H's Co. knew about his A. I think because he is the boss no-one dared to say anything about it though.
Once I got over the shock it became evident that although they knew.......they were not happy about it. That did work in my favour, once they knew I knew. It helped drive out the OW as the other staff became very public about their dislike of her, (apart from my H's PA who was close to the girl....had to be I guess for it all to continue....and I have an ongoing problem with her and me not trusting her).
Is there anyone your H works with that you are close to and could talk to about this?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
My H works for a manufacturer and only he and his boss lives here - he is in sales and manages Texas.
My H has a company they hire to do all the street sales and marketing and he manages this distributor. The OW works at the distributor. The only way for his boss to find out is for someone to call him and leave a message.
I know plenty of people at the distributor as well but they are all friends of his and mine for that fact... but I think if I told some of the guys they would stay true to him as his friends.. remember my H is going to tell everyone he hasn't been happy for awhile, it has nothing to do with the OW, blah blah blah...
I think I'm going to have a friend leave a message for the OW boss and my H boss - acting like she has seen them together.
Will this back fire?? Will my H be so mad that there is no way he'd come back b/c he would figure I am the one that told... Would I be able to take him back once everyone knows???
I'm up in the air about this but I think I will somehow tell his boss...
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi Tx mom, I had this same conversation in my head also about exposing A at work. It could play out a few ways: As Saffie said they might know already, another since H manages the distributorship there might be an ethical issue where she indirectly works for H and they both could be fired (My H is having A with direct report); do you want to take that chance? Finally, if H does find out you might push the relationship closer -- do you want to risk that? I would write down the positive and negatives of this and when you see it on paper it might help you to chose what you want to do. Keep us posted.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I am going to give you a slightly different take on this - just for arguments sake.
You will find threads on here from people who have not exposed the A....generally after a while they move into the MLC forums or sometimes they stay long term in infidelity, (more often than not they eventually move though). They also end up in the D'd section.
More than once I have seen people say after a year or so that they are fed up of their S cake eating. The LBS acts all nice and the WAS just walks all over them. Do you want that?
If you GAL etc and wait, even if your H comes back what is the incentive for him not to do the same again at some time to manipulate you into you acting how he wants?
OK, I am playing Devil's advocate here to some extent. However, think about what would be 180's for you. I think I remember you saying in an earlier post you both led active lives and did your own things. Do you think there's a chance your H felt you didn't need him? Do you think he needs to see you putting up a fight for him? if so, how is the best way you can do that? I am not saying exposing the A is the best thing....but what would be?
Look at 180's....and only do them if you are comfortable with them-otherwise they will not stick. They have to be things you believe need altering; things that you can see weren't quite right. Don't do things out of malice...like exposing the A....only do it for a positive reason. If you are not sure on a plan of action invoke the 48hr rule and do nothing for that period of time while you think about it.
There are reasons for outing an A. Firstly you stop the secrecy which an A often flourishes in and which makes it seem exciting as opposed to seedy. Secondly you can get support from others around you. Thirdly, you stop your H playing the separated card for a while which enables him later to move on without it being obvious he was cheating, so as to lower blame of him in the eyes of others, (walking out on someone with such a young child is pretty low).
Down side is mainly that you can't control the fall out and once done you can't take it back. The week after I exposed was absolutely awful - really extreme. However...when I compare my situation now I am further on than many that discovered their S was cheating at the same time I did. I guess I would liken it to ripping off a plaster....I did it quickly and got the pain out of the way in one big swoop....rather than slowly soaking it off and wondering what the wound was going to look like when I eventually got there. I got to see my wound sooner and let the air get to it earlier. It hurt really badly but it healed quicker.
No-one can tell you what to do. You can read about people's situations but at the end of the day only you REALLY know your circumstances.
Personally, I couldn't sit there and play nicey wifey while my H sat and tried to decide who he wanted to be with. He asked me to do that. I ended up nearly killing myself and after talking with a psychiatrist with me my H knew he had to make a decision.
BTW, maybe it would be enough just to let OW know you know. Once the OW in my sitch knew I knew she no longer would accept my H going between the two of us - she also pushed for a decision....just as the psychiatrist said she would. It was her undoing - she was not suitable and my H was just not ready for that pressure from her.
I apologise for the long post, but I also note you had IVF. Have you ever had any C for having to go through that? It often causes rifts between partners as it is such an emotional and financial roller coaster. It could be at the route of some of your H's problems.It changes priorities in a R without partners knowing sometimes and oft a man can feel like he is just a donor rather than a lover.
just some alternative points
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
First my H is not saying he even wants me... he wants out and keeps saying he wasn't happy, I can't change, people can't change etc.. so he is not coming back to me an then to her..which I wouldn't allow. The first 3 weeks he stayed at the house and was saying he is so confused. But then he started being so disrespectful that I told him he needs to leave this house.
We actually did everything together during out marriage but we also had our own hobbies, I play tennis he loves golf and we respected that this was important to do. I would have girls night out once a month, he'd have guys golf weekends once a year etc.. so I thought it was a good balance. So he knows I needed him I think it came down to the fact I wasn't showing him as much respect the last few years... controlling too much with the kids etc.
Your point about IVF he did mention it bothered him when we were in the process of deciding what to do, so now that I'm learning that he keeps a lot in the fact that he even said anything means it bothered him more than I knew. What do you do now... he doesn't want to work on "us" and is spending all his time with his 25 yr old...
I think his boss knowing is important but to your point what am I going to get out of it... he'll be pissed at me probably.. will it make him end it with her? and if for some reason he comes back I don't want him coming back to me b/c he had to break it off with her.. I want him to want to come back.
I'm sitting tight this weekend, he just moved out Monday but I'm not going to let him tell everyone we are seperated without them knowing the why?? some disclosure will happen at some point.
thanks and good info to process.
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
So he knows I needed him I think it came down to the fact I wasn't showing him as much respect the last few years... controlling too much with the kids etc.
OK, that's crap! Nobody is perfect in a marriage, and I think we like to think if we had only done X then our marriage would have been ok, and think we have more control over it than we really have. Your H wasn't perfect either, you know. Yeah, it's good to work on our 180s and work on ourselves, but ultimately nobody is perfect and I think a lot of these WAS are just looking for happiness in OP instead of themselves which is a problem, going through MLC, depression or whatever. Not about you at all.
OK, I have come slowly, very slowly to agreeing with Saffie's views also, and I think many of us do. However, I do think that sometimes you aren't strong enough, or at least I wasn't to do that right away. Yes, I should have kicked my H out instead of letting him do the slow withdrawal, but I didn't. I think I needed to GAL and 180 and work on myself to where I am stronger now and wouldn't let him get away with all the crap I did, at least I'd like to think I wouldn't. But I was a total marshmallow when I got here and zero self-esteem, so I think you have to work on that to get really strong and be able to do what is good for you. Karen
Ok I had someone send me more information on Exposure. I am still hoping to get more but I'll post as it comes.....Read Below....
The benefits of exposure include (and are not limited to):
- Brings the A out in the open -Destroys the fantasy and secrecy of the A -Gets the truth out (before the Walk away Spouse can spin it around) -Rallies up supporters of the marriage -Rallies up supporters of the Betrayed Spouse who help in innumerable ways through reporting actions of the Walk away Spouse, providing everything from financial, emotional and other types of support to the Betrayed Spouse -Prevents gossip since gossip relies on information passed behind one's back but is infinitely more unreliable than truth coming from the source -Brings critical information to the surface (how long has the A been going on, where was he really last weekend etc.) -Through the above, destabilizes the A, often ending it immediately
Fear of losing a job is real, but it is not because of the exposure, it is because of the affair. Even if the Betrayed Spouse doesn't expose, the affair may be discovered eventually by the employee anyway. If the A is occurring at work, hence threatening job security, either the Walk away Spouse or the OP must leave the job anyway if the marriage is going to have any chance whatsoever. So yes, there could be potential financial hardship (due to the affair, not the exposure), but that weighs against DEFINITE marital breakdown.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Hello again, Ok just a quick pop in. Here is more information someone forwarded to me........
How to, who to, why, and benefits of exposure etc.
How: All at once, without ANY warning. Exposure should be one fell swoop, not in dribs and drabs. It is a "shock and awe" strategy. No warning, because the wayward spouse knows exposure is imminent, he/she can tell close friends and relatives "My spouse is driving me nuts! They are so jealous and possessive and needy... they're even accusing me of having an affair. I don't know how much longer I can live with this." Then when the exposure happens, nobody will believe it. It will only strengthen the "poor suffering me" story the wayward spouse is telling.
Who to: The people who have influence over the affair partners. This is *always* the affair partner's spouse, the parents of both affair partners, and the parents of the betrayed spouse. It frequently also includes adult children of the wayward, employers of the affair partners if they work together, and members of any "club" to which the affair partners belong.
Why: Affairs thrive in secrecy. What seems delicious and "meant to be, dictated by fate" becomes tawdry and embarrassing in the light of day. It's easy for affair partners to tell each other how wonderful it is that they've found their true love and soulmate, but when people they respect are looking at them with that "How could you be so foolish as to rip your family apart?" look, the affair starts to lose its luster.
The affair becomes more difficult to carry out when "all eyes" are on the affair partners.
Frequently one partner will decide that the affair is simply not worth all the hassle.
Exposure is the single most powerful tool there is for ending an affair. There is no guarantee exposure will end the affair immediately, and it's possible it may not end the affair at all, but usually it has a surprisingly strong effect. What you should say: Exposure is NOT about revenge. It is NOT about saying "He is being horrible and wretched, please hate him for me." It is simply about conveying the truth to influential parties. Exposure should be short, it should be factual rather than emotional, and it should not expect anyone to pick sides. Here's an example: "My H is having an A with OW. While the decision to have the A was completely his, I realize I contributed to the poor state of our M. I'm committed to improving myself and building a strong vibrant M with H. I would greatly appreciate your support for H, myself, and our M as we go through this difficult time."
When you expose to the OP's spouse, you should have hard proof. The OP's spouse sometimes knows something is not right, but sometimes they don't have a clue anything is amiss and they will dismiss the allegations out of hand without concrete evidence such as copies of emails, cellphone bills, photographs, or taped conversations.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
TxMom, I was on the fence about exposure, but this weekend I exposed my H to my 2 Ds -D15 and D28 and also my SIL. Then I told my H that they knew and told me I was crazy till I pulled up his phone records of all the 27 hours of calling to each other including weekends to OW. H was floored. H is now worried i have Private investigator, which I have neither denied. My H is moving out this week and we both work at the same place including OW (works for my H!), but I cannot expose here yet because I just posted for a new position and I do not want all of this sleazy behavior affect me getting an interview. Once interview is settled, because of the situation of both getting fired, I cannot name OW, but what my plan is to tell my co-workers that my H left me and has moved out. We have had issues with our M BUT he is also experiencing a MLC which unfortunately includes unacceptable behavior which has really upset his family. Then the gossip will start and you know they will be watching his actions on a daily basis and it will be easy to figure out who the OW is.
Right now everyone thinks we get along great so no-one is paying attention to what H is doing at work. It will be a shock
Since the exposure - H has apologized to me numerous times and H is feeling very sad, depressed AND accountable that he has exposed his Ds to this. The Ds also know who the OW which is really the worst of it for H. I agree it has definitely taken away some of the excitement of the A.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I'm so glad you at least told his family and your D's... what did they say?? I agree to hang tight with the work crowd... can't believe you all work together... gosh that would be hard.
I am finding my in-laws not responding with support to me... his brother didn't have much to say so I then sent an email to them as I wanted them to know my side... I never heard back and I thought I would from my SIL at least. His family is my family so it has made it difficult. They are very private people and don't ask lot of questions so they deal with this kind of info. differently.
My H made the comment that he doesn't care what people think of him but that because of the industry that him and the OW are in that he can't just shout it out.. I asked him what he thought his Boss would say and he just sat there...he knows he would not approve. I asked if he is so happy and this is what he wanted why is he not comfortable telling everyone. My friend made a good point, that there is plenty of time to expose and once I'm through in my heart with him you can tell people.
Question to all - my H is turning 40 next week - I of course had the best surprise party planned but obviously that is off... do I buy him a gift? I guess I need to get one from his girls?? I really don't want to do anything actually.... thoughts??
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
