I am just going to rant and vent - nothing special but a guy can only keep stuff inside for so long before he explodes
Today I saw my beautiful wife (although she is my ex, in my heart she will always be my wife) and she looked just beautiful. There was nothing special about the way she dressed or how she did her hair. I kept looking at her when she wasn't noticing and kept thinking to myself how beautiful and precious she really is.
When we were dating, she use to always tell me that I made it obvious that I loved her by the way I looked at her - that my eyes always gave it away.
We went shopping to buy some winter clothes for our daughter and I kept saying to myself - I hope God restores our marriage. I so desperately wanted to tell my ex how I felt inside - to tell her how much I love her and how I want to spend my life pleasing, sacrificing and serving her. I so much wanted to go home with her and be able to sit on the couch, with all three of us there doing nothing more than enjoying each others company.
(me wishing I could tell me ex this right now) My beautiful princess, I love you so much. I am sorry I was a fool and didn't take care of what God entrusted me with when we were married. Now I am paying for my sins and going through the crucible of my life. And although I wish I could demonstrate the fullness of my love for you, I know I must be patient and respect the boundary you have rightly placed between you and I. I hope that within time that that wall will come down and that you and I can once again be netted together in love, that our worlds will once again collide and our hearts be one. In the meantime, I only want you to be happy. So for now, no talks about relationships when I'm with you, no showing you how much I'm hurting or how badly I want you in my life. I love you so much and world turn this world upside down to make you happy.
Ahh....I feel a little better. My ex called me while I was writing this and we had a pleasant little talk about nothing really - which in the in the end - it is those carefree moments, when we are just being ourselves and talking about the mundane that really add up to much. How I wish I could have those moments everyday with her - where we could be doing nothing but laying on the bed together - staring at one another and listening to each other speak with full acceptance.
After I got back from shopping, I got home and wept/pray for a good 30 minutes. I was hurting badly. But the road less traveled is never easy and this crucible is like a burning fire. I can only hope that all the impurities of my life are burnt away once this trial is over.
Lodo, thanks for telling me to stay true to myself and to move forward. That is definitely something I am having a hard time doing as this situation is really my fault. So I am learning to forgive myself and to let go of the past - that is still a work in process. I will definitely keep on exercising and eating well.
