Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

OK, you guys. I suppose I do sound like the wicked witch of the west, or shrew of the century - to you - because you're getting the volcanic eruptions. Good thing I'm not in the mood to cry today because guess which one of us uses 3 of the "4 horsemen" pretty much all the time. Up until this whole mess, I hadn't heard contempt, but telling me I'm crazy, need a shrink, must be something WRONG with me sounds like it. He's never said anything like that before. And he's said it several times lately. Besides all the rejection, hurt and "I must be past it, throw me in the garbage" feelings I get from the SSW situation, I get to hear that I'm so mentally defective that I need to be committed. He's the king of stonewalling as well. Hence the one-sided conversations. I haven't been stonewalling. He told me to quit talking and I did. A 180.

I don't have contempt for him. He is what he is. Sometimes almost Jekyll and Hyde. I feel sorry for the chaotic way he grew up. Prts split when he was 4. Mom wouldn't let dad see him. Didn't know his dad until age 15 when older bro came home from military and started taking him for visits. His favorite episode on Taxi was where Danny DeVito is in the hallway outside his gramma's apartment. She's locked him out and they're screaming at each other in Italian through the door. He said it reminded him of his family. My family? My father did not believe in married couples fighting. I never saw him fight with anyone either physically or verbally. He was not a wuss either. If he was angry with someone or I was in hot water, he'd clearly speak his piece on that one thing and be done with it. I never saw grown men fight until I was "hiring and firing in the pits". Saw it on TV, movies, just never in real life. H & his bro's & cousin's got into it in naborhood thru their 20's sometimes. If H got into a fight, his older bro, in place of father, would hit him w/his fists for fighting. I fully understand why he is the way he is regarding conflict, and difficulty with sharing intimate feelings and emotions other than anger. That doesn't mean I like it or enjoy having to deal with something this important the hard way.

I've heard the one about sticking tongues out before. I wish. H does not have a strong sense of humor. Little about himself. He often mistakes conversational jokes as sarcasm or slaps. I'm careful about that. He takes things literally and doesn't get jokes much of the time. Using humor to diffuse things would be great. I grew up and later worked with blue collar guys who are a lot of fun to listen to taking shots at each other. I'm pretty fair at it and have been a part of that in places where I was accepted as one of them. I was taught to be a good sport and have a sense of humor about myself. Have seen H do it w/cousins but rarely and sometimes there's a barb in it. He does get along well with my adult sons and kids around a little with them. He's not a total ogre or anything, but truly difficult if he feels threatened and evidently this issue does that for reasons I've mentioned before.
I'm not criticizing him for his feelings about his job, I just don't like being blamed that he id doing that job. Making it my fault he has bad days at work. Being angry at me for that.
Sorry you don't like the 4 yr old remark, but that's exactly how he stonewalls. I'm not talkin' and you can't make me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. So there.
We deal with most things successfully tho it was hard for him not to look for subterfuge or traps or future trouble. Example: I ask what time he'll be home from raquetball. He says "Why, do you want me to stay home?" As if my simple question hides something that I'll be mad about later. Huh? I just needed to know when to start supper. It took a looooong time to get him to realize that I am straightforward and I took a long time to realize that that's how his mother would set him up for a later scolding, argument or something to blame him for. We communicate fairly well now. I ask more specific questions: What time do you think you want supper? when you get home or a little later? He'll say later & I'll say "numbers, I want numbers" meaning the time and we'll laugh. Then he'll give a time. We probably sound like a bad sitcom sometimes, but it works since he figured out there's no hidden agenda in ordinary questions. If we are arguing about something simple or that comes up often, we used to end up w/me saying "stubborn Dago" and he'd respond "stubborn Kraut". If you can't laugh about your mutual stereotypical habits....
Not for this issue tho.
He emailed earlier asking if I'd be home later. Suggested we have a fire outside when he gets home. Has never happened before. I'm hoping he's been thinking about what he can talk about instead of walling it off. We'll see. Ball's in his court. It is possible my not talking as he asked concerns him a little bit because that's why he refuses to talk, to make me worry.

It may be awhile until the results of this bad soap opera are available. Just got word that grandson is going into hosp for several days because of seizures. He's 10, has cereberal palsy. Don't know how much time I'll have for a few days.
Have a fine weekend everyone. Keep your fingers crossed for this great little kid. Thanx.