Either way.. you are still scared of losing her. No matter how close she is." Yes..in fear of, afraid of...in dislike of the idea of not having HER in my life...not of being alone, or starting over, or the logistics of the whole thing. I want her in my life.....and no matter how close she is, it is still the frustration of the unknown that gets to me the most....impatience again.
"So.. what you are saying is.. you need to stop the bad times.. and make up for what you have done. Treat her right and give her the life she deserves." I have stopped the bad times and treat her right each day. Does that make up for what I have done in her mind? I still have not given her the life she deserves, but would like to...more frustration...more unknown. I can give her glimpses and hints, but WE cannot plan a future together...unless she tells me SHE is planning a future TOGETHER. Most times the comments and innuendos tell me just the opposite of what you guys say her actions are telling me.
"At the same time you need to understand that deep down she really just does like me.....that when she looks into my eyes she sees good.
I can get on board with that. I expect you to do just that." She would not have put up with me for 20 years, or the last 6 months, if she did not see some good right? Is it enough? Will she ever forget, or forgive me for the bad.
As long as you are dancing like this.. are you happy? Do you fear the "What If"? I am happy while we are dancing..it is the silence between the songs that gets to me. That is when I fear the "what if".
"I have not done all the things I promised myself I would do over the last few months." What have you not done? Very long list. How much time do you have?
"But I know one thing..I was sincere in my efforts. She may not know my changes are real, but I do. She may not think they will last but I do." Prove it. Right here right now.. Prove it. So, I guess I can't, right? I have to show her each day I am with her by my actions and words?
Right there.. is your movement. Where did you come from.. to what you are now. Silly thing about it.. people that can't see you... can "see" it. Open your eyes.. and stop being afraid. From what you just wrote.. you have nothing to loose.
Who are these people? Are you guys talking about me behind my back? Thanks for the encouragement. I talk the talk sometimes, but I still have a long way to go before I am "comfortable" with the fact that I have nothing to lose. No matter what, I will be OK, but I do not want to lose her.
Man...I am truly blessed to still have you and Bill hanging with me, and I try to respond as much as I can, but that made brain hurt today....and still have to go back and read Bill's post again.
