Yes it is to buy him out the house. Things possibly might go better in court but that will take at least another twelve months and the costs would spiral out of control. There were other options I could've considered but I decided I needed to take the least risky path in terms of me and D13 being able to live where we want for as long as we want and this was it. I'm not happy that it will be me who ultimately issues D papers BUT at least this way history will record the true reason why our M fell apart. I just want closure on all of this. If we get back together in the future then all well and good but for now this is the way it has to be.
For those newbies who might be reading this I'd just like you to know that even getting the substantial amount of money that my H will more than likely receive from me does not make them happy!
One of the things my D18 wanted to know after the meeting was whether H and I had come to any agreement over helping her out financially at uni. It had not come into the convo and as H has originally told me it was none of my business he would liaise only with D18 on the matter she took it into her own hands again last night.
She had texted him earlier to ask if he had come to a decision based on the figures she sent him last week. He did not reply so she just turned up on the doorstep. She said things were already very tense when she got there. She thought OW had been crying and MIL was also there (to get the news about the meeting as D18 had evaded the question when she saw her earlier for coffee!) and she also seemed tense apparently. Anyway she and H sat down to discuss the issue at hand. He looked on the website of the uni she is going to (on Saturday). Eventually he decided that he couldn't commit to a regular amount and said he would only be able to give her money as and when he could afford it! He told her his credit cards debts had risen to £8k. Bla de bla.
So in one day H potentially gained more than a year's salary from me and lost a daughter b/c he won't invest in her future.
I think I am the lucky one. I may have to work forever but I know I will always have the love and support of my children and on my death bed I will have no guilt and no regrets.
To cap all this my S16 rang me at 7.15am this morning. He said H has forgotten to leave him any money for the bus to college and H was driving down south to a meeting. He wanted to know if I could pick him up and take him to college. I did exactly that and I have arranged to pick him up again at the end of the day. Was it convenient? No. Does my S16 know I am always there for him? Yes. For the record Hs actual response when S16 phoned him was for him to go across the road and ask a woman (who H knows and S16 doesn't) if she would lend him the money. What good parenting skills.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Regarding your H not wanting your son to stay over night with you. My ex does the same stuff. In my situation, it is because my H cannot be alone. He actually panics when he is by himself. This is because he will then have to think about what he has done and face his demons. He bribed my son into staying with him (offered him a car.) Ex expected me to go gonzo over all this. I did not. I was very calm and did not fight it at all. My son comes and visits me most everyday. I do miss him at night though. They are like little babies who have separation anxiety.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I am so proud of you. Hold you head up high. You are responding and doing beautifully regarding your H. Your kids are seeing your grace and loyalty to them. Kids do eventually see though the MLC BS. Mine are starting to also. Integrity and character far out way any dollar amount. You are awesome.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
He will lose all his kids if he's not careful-- dude is f***ing up all over the place. You are the only one who loves them unconditionally, and they know it.
Why do you think OW and MIL where so tense when your D went over there? Do you think maybe they're distressed that the record will show the divorce was due to his adultery? One can only hope!
T my H would not be alone when S16 comes here as OW lives with him. He did tell us about a year ago that he had panic attacks in the night worrying about leaving the children but I don't know if that is still occuring. If they are he is either very resisilant or he simply does not care. I don't suppose it matter either way. I sleep sound in my bed.
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Why do you think OW and MIL where so tense when your D went over there?
I don't suppose I will ever know the answer to that one.
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Do you think maybe they're distressed that the record will show the divorce was due to his adultery?
I think MIL probably arrived in the middle of them rowing. She doesn't do emotions, never has, never will so she probably felt uncomfortable.
As for OW I think it is more likely that she thought she would be getting a whole house out of the bargain and not just a lump sum. That must really have spoiled her plans. She probably is also worried that I will cite her as co-respondent (which if I get the chance I will be doing) I certainly wouldn't want that to go down in history for all my relatives to be able to check in 100 years time.
Having read that last comment back I'm aware it probably sounds bitter. Believe me I don't want to be that way so I'm hoping that actually it is just the residual anger surfacing. I guess only time will tell but I know I don't want to be a bitter and twisted old lady so I will definately be working on that one.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I don't know your laws but I find it unfair if YOU have to pay H such a lot. It is HIM who left you and not the other way round. I hope you will get a fair deal. (((HGUS)))
Reality is starting to kick in and I am starting to worry abuot the huge responsibility of borrowing so much money. However I was always the sensible one with money (as Hs current credit card debts of £8k show!) so providing I make sure the terms are affordable I know I will be ok. If it means I have to stay in and be a nun for the rest of my life so be it (at least that way I will definately be able to honour my original promise to D13 that I would never remarry!)
Anyway I really feel I have to do this and although it is a very daunting prospect I already feel liberated. I know God is watching over me. This morning I drew some money out of one of my accounts to put into the other that pays my bills. I had expected it to leave me quite short of 'emergency' money as I wasn't expecting to get paid until next week. Imagine my surprise when I realised I actually got paid on Wednesday. This has happened on more than one occassion (and always after I have prayed for financial security!).
Take care to you all. I will try and catch up with your sitches early next week.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Hi ACJ! Been thinking a lot about you and your sitch, and hoping and praying for the best outcome for you and your children.
I think once your D13 has grown up, and finished school, she will have a very different outlook on life, and her expectations for you will be very different too. Still, doesn't mean you should not pursue a good R if it comes along. You might find that D13 will be happy for you, if you are happy. She is just at a very difficult stage in life, and just needs a couple of years to adjust to all the new situations in her life. I am glad you will be able to keep the house - one good, stable thing in her life, and the other kids too. And, this might be at a good time in the market for you to be buying your H out. I assume, that the current market prices will be considered, and not possible future prices?
Isn't it amazing how things can work out with just a grain of faith? It's been happening to me too, lately.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." Peace Pilgrim
She probably is also worried that I will cite her as co-respondent (which if I get the chance I will be doing) I certainly wouldn't want that to go down in history for all my relatives to be able to check in 100 years time. 