To the Max!!!!

[WCW]

Hi all, doing a drive by post - thank you for your thoughts and support. When things happen to one of my horses I feel so horrid because they depend on me to care for them and be responsible. It's tough on me when I let them down. For now, Big Black is already well ahead of the prognosis for him and doing good and Mr Cutie is not better but not worse so I'll take that as positive.

I posted this on a new thread started for me by lodo in Hopefulness - I'll probably go back 'home' to post there. Call me Dorothy.
I am trying to get my head in the right place and focus on me instead of H.
We had a small R talk when I handed him 2 books on our anniversary and asked if he would read them with me as I have not read them yet. One is Stop Blaming Start Loving and the other is The Marriage Benefit. He glanced at the titles and handed them back. I wouldn't take them, I said hold them and let it sink in. He said he wouldn't read any books.

He admitted what we are doing is not working.
I said let's change it. We will each be okay by ourselves but we could be fantastic together.
H said we've tried everything.
I said we haven't even been close to trying and certainly not everything.
H was quiet.
I changed the subject, we went on with our separate days.
By the time I got home late from everything and celebrated a young friend getting her drivers license H was home.
I was abolutely dog tired, I put a lot of miles on the scooter to save fuel in my truck and I miss the comfort of my truck!
I asked H if he would trade backrubs when his hunting video was done. At first he was going to say no but what came out was maybe.
I said ok and went to bed. H followed in a while. I was so tired, I could not stay awake even to rub his back.
H tried to start a ticklefest, I couldn't stay awake.
H went back to the couch.

I'm burning a few days vacation. Originally I hoped H would join me overnight somewhere, then I was more realistic that I would go myself. Then all the trouble with the horses and I took that as a sign to keep my butt home.

Spending time doing a few of those fall projects, loving the sunshine falling on my face.

Wondering if H took time off in the morning and was home earlier than usual that night of our anniversary because I had asked him to acknowledge the day with me. He never responded in a way I understood, except now looking back he was home. Did I blow it?

Sorry my thoughts are so scattered. That's just like my work list!