Amy I also have to say that even though I welcome your 2x4's and opinion (and that is why I asked for you) OW is just H's fantasy she has not initiated anything with H other than being his friend at work along with other mutual friends and I have had two of my friends that work with her verify this so I do not feel the least bit threatened by her now. I think she feels bad for what has hapened but, you are right I don't need to hear feedback from her (though I like to know weather or not H is steping over the only boundry that I have set. Your right WTF do I do with the info? The same thing I have been, driving myself nuts because I have it and can do nothing to change it. I have made it clear to H and in plain english what I consider that to be at our last R talk. I fell if he crosses these I have to act and not let him cake eat, I have done enough of that. So aside from crucial info regaurding this boundry of cards gifts and personal talk, contact I will not discuss anything with her.
If any of you think im'e still being an idiot just come and hit me with another 2x4 to keep me in line. I welcome your in your face reality checks. It may take a few of them to really make me understand as Im'e still learning to detach after all this time and my H makes it hard for me to do. He's no idiot when to comes to that, he knows how to manipulate me and im'e just attached enough to let him.
Funny I always though of myself as pretty independent and self confident within our M and now I feel like I am unable to find me, Who am I.
How can I be doing this for so long and still be so screwed up?
JAK if I were you at this point I think I'd do what you said and request that H talk to his doc about depression meds and otherwise detach. You can't kill yourself over this. Not with lonliness or fighting to save the marriage. Sooner or later the other person has to stand up. You will know when that time has come for you and if he has still not made SOME kind of move, then you have a choice to make.
But in the interest of not living the rest of YOUR life thinking "what if..." you just HAVE to exhaust everything.
You will know when enough is enough.
And NO third party insight - be it from us or the fantasy woman - is 100% accurate.
In the end, you do what sits well with YOUR soul. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out just what that is, but when you do know - you will know and you will act appropriately and you will do so with peace whatever the case.
Anything that you are unsure about - do not do it.
The answers will come if you keep looking for them but look for them amid the normal routines of your days and night - that's where they will come from for you at this point.
Meanwhile, take some time for yourself.
I notice you do a LOT for others.
If you want to keep being helpful to others, you have to remember to take care of yourself.
