I am not even sure if this post belongs here but hopefully someone can give me some advice.
My W was/is a WAW since 6/16/08. I have strongly suspected an OM although I haven’t been able to come up with a ‘smoking gun’ and she adamantly denies anything except “Mocking my insecurity” by “joking” and simulating R talk with other M/Couple and lying to me about where she was and who she has been communicating with. OK having said that I am not an idiot and I can see through the bullsh!t and I am pretty convinced there is an A. W and I are at the point where she is trying to decide if she wants to file or spend the next 3-4 months trying to work things out. I have told her that “although I don’t necessarily feel ‘in love with you’ either right now I KNOW that we can work this out and make our R better than ever.” This seems to almost anger her. Not the part about me not being ‘in love’ but the part about me knowing we can work it out. She just doesn’t seem to get why I would feel that way. I have explained that I feel that we are in a stage of marriage (4 years + 9 Month old D) that would be hard for the most solid couples. Add in our issues (PK abuse/controlling behavior/lack of communication & all the favorites) and it’s no wonder we are miles apart and you are considering D. BUT I see this as an opportunity to address those things that we need to change about ourselves and make things better than ever. She says she has absolutely no desire for affection from me and that the sex we have is meaningless. She says that we have taken MC’s advice and have “spent time together” but she hasn’t regained any feelings towards me. I don’t think she has let her guard down and I don’t think she has been able to let go of all of the resentment she has for me and as a result we aren’t able to connect. She feels that it just isn’t going to work. So as I said we are at a point where she is trying to decide if she wants to file or do what I am asking and to truly work on our M. She is unsure if she wants to file and she can give me a mile long list of why she might be unsure about filing but none of the reasons is that she may believe that things can work out. The closest she came to that is saying that she doesn’t want to regret this decision in 3 years and she is trying to see my point of view about mending the R. She asked me “what does it mean to WORK on our marriage?” if she decided to stay. I replied that we need to let go of any resentment and to communicate to each other what it is we need from someone to be in a good relationship. But I have to admit that I have nothing after that. What does it mean to work on a relationship? I read DR a few weeks ago but I kind of glossed over the sections on piecing because I never thought I would get there. What does it really mean to “Work on our marriage”?
