Jayce's thread

[Bagheera]

Thank you for hanging in there with me, Jayce. I DO understand that you are angry, hurt, resentful, and bitter after all of the years of martical dissatisfaction. I've lived through that myself. However, I also know that there was NO improvement in marriage - none whatsoever -- until I was able to set that anger and resentment aside and love my wife for who she was at the time, and show it to her in a language that she understood, in a way that she really felt it (NOT in the very physical way that I feel it).

Your statements such as this:

Man? or 4 year old?

and

na na na na naaaa and you can't make me na na na na naaaaaaaaa

concern me in particular, because they show a level of Contempt that is particularly dangerous to a marriage. In many respects, it sounds to me like your husband has gone from being your Knight in Shining Armor to being not much better than s Squire Boy. And I would bet money that your husband knows this -- he feels it in you, even if you haven't said it to him directly.

Since you like to study and read, let me share this:

In John Gottman and Nan Silver's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. they outline the two key ingredients to a successful marriage:

(1) actively maintain a close friendship, and
(2) learn how to handle conflict in a gentle, non-destructive fashion.

With regard to the second item above in particular, the Gottman's have observed four 'marriage killers' that frequently come riding in when a couple is in the midst of a disagreement with each other. They call these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are:

(1) Criticism,
(2) Defensiveness,
(3) Contempt, and
(4) Stonewalling.

Criticism and Defensiveness are the two most common horsemen, and come together as a pair. The common fight pattern is one of harsh start-up, defense & counter-criticism, more extreme criticism, and on and on. Both partners feel under attack, neither partner feels understood or heard, and nothing gets resolved. Sound familiar? It takes a real effort to stop this cycle, refrain from defending yourself, stifle a counter-criticism, and attempt a repair to the conversation: but one of you must be 'big enough' to do it if the discussion is to be salvaged. Criticism and Defensiveness are like a disease to your marriage, slowly eroding your friendship and respect for each other and making it difficult, if not impossible, to stay close and intimate. If these horsemen already have a foothold in your relationship, work hard to exorcise them and close the door behind them.

In our view, Contempt is the rider of the 'pale horse,' and if unleashed often, it can be the death knell of your marriage. Contempt can take the form of eye rolling, belittling comments, name-calling, or other derogatory remarks, but in all of its forms, Contempt implies an underlying lack of respect for your partner and sends the message that you no longer value them. Stonewalling is another form of Contempt, in which you shut down and completely ignore your spouse, again implying that anything your partner feels or has to say is unimportant to you. No matter how angry or frustrated you may be, avoid the use of Contempt or Stonewalling at all costs. Take a time out if you need to, but don't let these two deadly horsemen into your marriage.

Any time you and your spouse are in a heated discussion, and the four horsemen are coming out to gallop around you, be watchful for any 'repair attempts' that your spouse may make in an attempt to deescalate the conversation and redirect things in a more positive direction. Learn to make such repair attempts yourself. One of our favorite stories in this regard is of a young couple out new car shopping, and vehemently disagreeing over whether they should buy an SUV (his choice) or a Jeep (her choice). Just as things are starting to get a bit too heated, the wife suddenly plants her hands on her hips in an 'angry school-girl' stance and sticks her tongue out at her husband. He, familiar with this repair attempt, echoes her and does the same thing to her. They both bust out laughing, and the genuine affection and respect that they have for each other is evident, even though they had just been shouting at each other. It may be difficult to do when you're angry or upset, but making and responding to repair attempts is a critical skill in keeping the Four Horsemen out of your marriage.

[Yes, if the above sounds a little pre-done, I stole the it from a handout that my wife and myself put together for our church. I would have never imagined the two of us actually giving a class together on improving your marriage, but miracles do happen, after all.]

-- B.