Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Pup,

Please don't be quiet. That's the last thing I want. lol.
I am sometimes a bit slow on the uptake, and I do have problems with change and the acceptance of it.

I value your perspective and thoughts enormously.
You make me think about things in a way I would not normally consider, and that is for me right now, a very good thing.

I'm really searching for guidance and solutions to this, and perhaps in my haste to accept blame and to validate her reasons to you and others, I might appear in denial, or closed off to other avenues of approach.

I am not "closed off", it's just that I simply don't know how to get her to "own" the fact that her EA was the break point. Other than trying to convey that to her in a couple of emails and convos with her.

It's true that when I did confront her, there was a fairly dramatic reaction. That is, I suppose, to be accepted in these situations. But it made the atmosphere so tense and traumatic, that it seemed to push me further from my initial "friendship first" goal.

More recently, she came close to admitting that her interactions with this man were
wrong, in the sense that we had both done things to bring us to where we are now.
But almost in the same breath, she justifies it by saying that she had never committed adultery.
So, I guess in a way, she is owning it somewhat. Her saying that, and that she has forgiven me for what I have done in the past, is perhaps a sign that she has moved on personally and maybe slightly away from the illicit thrill of her EA.

What I can't know, is that in my confronting her and making things tense and uncomfortable, somehow DID push things forward toward her respecting me again, and more importantly was NOT at odds with my goal to re establish friendship.

I do know that the atmosphere between us right now, is better than it has been this last 6 months.

I struggle with dilemma that in DR we are supposed to (in cases of physical separation with little contact or threat of divorce)
NOT talk about OP.

Do you think Pup, that my situation is different here?

I know that you don't hold much with the theory about "pushing them further toward OP". I can see that when someone is already together with OP and there is little further damage that can be done. But my wife is not actually "with" this guy. although she's certainly not "with" me either.

How can I ask her to commit to 6-12 months of reconcilliation effort and NC with OM, if she is adamant that she doesn't want to work on us, and still believes that our marriage has broken down to the point where she feels it cannot be mended?

I guess I can't. Or if I do, then I have to be prepared for the worst.
It could all come down to timing. I suppose I'll know if and when I must deliver that ultimatum.

Am I a "sheep" if I continue to give her time and space to work through her feelings?
Am I in denial if I continue to wait, while working on myself?

I want to be strong, to move forward, and to make the tough decisions.

I love her so very much........