And DAM has reached out to me from class to ask me if I heard back from my friend on the place to stay for 1 month. I did and so said yes, but haven't given him the dates as I don't want to have another of those conversations. He's in class and IM R conversations are SOOOO immature.
He said "sorry our conversation was so rough last night."
Whatever, I saw this coming with the dual personality bit...In this case I just said "thank you." Not sure what else to say. I'm staying quiet now and hoping he doesn't say anything else to me, or that if he does it's something positive.
OK going to watch the Secret now!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Okay listen to me - Let me tell you that when my H left I was terrified about not having his income to help pay the bills as we had always only used my credit cards in the whole R and I was the one with the car payment, vacation home, and all utilities in my name. I was able to finally figure out how to make my budget and begining to feel relieved when I was hit with my demotion at work (because my credit score had plummeted & I wasn't bondable).
Listen I was sooo scared I had never been in finacial crisis before, I was one that always had money in savings and now here I was terrified I counldn't afford to live in my apartment anymore. I was scared that I would have to live with one of my friends and this devestated me.
Through all of this I did whatever I could to work through the situation and keep a PMA. Trust me I did have those days where I locked myself in my jobs bathroom and couldn't stop crying but I didn't stop focusing on getting myself better. By the grace of God and doing whatever I could to stay "Normal" I have finally found a place now were I am good. I have a very tight budget but by the end of the year I will back to normal.
I really think you need to try to get out a little more and STOP thinking about the situation so much you are going to go crazy!! Don't even think about what H needs right now, think about what you need!!
In terms of finances, you all know my story. Bankruptcy, car repossession, all of it. I have enough trouble paying my rent.
But I look at things this way: I have already lost one of the most important people in my life. I hope to God I get a second chance. The rest is inconsequential.
I agree, put the IM on away. If you can, shut it down. I know that since we are hurting the initial instinct is to take any crumb we can right now. But sometimes we have to pull back just a bit to gain some perspective.
I am telling you what worked for me. It was hard. I went one week without contacting at all. That was one of the longest weeks of my life and I hated every minute of it. But in the end, giving that space was a huge icebreaker. I think that it is giving the WAS time to reassess the sitch makes it so much easier to deal with.
I was scared, scared that H wouldn't call. Scared he wouldn't respond. But several people told me to be patient. He would. And he did.
I am telling you the same thing. You have to let go a little. It has nothing to do with you, at this moment it has to do with him. Letting go helps you to feel more strong and secure in yourself. It helps your self esteem. Doing it on your own is hard, probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it can be done. And in the long run, you find strength you never knew you had. That in itself will determine how the rest of this goes. Strength is very attractive.
Would you rather be around a happy, self secured individual or a needy individual? Showing them that you don't have to rely on them for YOUR happiness is a key.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Just woke up and had a feeling...So I needed to check my email. I got a long one from H. It is much nicer than they have been, so I would like to respond. An thoughts on how I can do this? Here goes:
We have had some rough conversations lately, and I know this happens and it is not always easy. I do not want to hurt you, it is the last thing I want to do. I walk a fine line between being honest and upfront, and telling you what is in my head. I am angry with you to a point. It is not part of my everyday thinking but it manifests it self when I am frustrated and interpret the same behaviour from you that I have seen in the past that I feel hurt me. I do not think of things in the past as being your fault, I do not blame you. However I will not let it happen again. I do not think you do it on prupose, I think it is just how you communicate and operate. In the same way that I have a confrontational style in how I sometimes talk to people or how I view things. To a point that is my behaviour, as I understand it is yours.
I have to tell you that I have constructed a life for myself up until now. I have became pretty good friends with F and have found a few people to hang with, surprisingly enough, most are men. It is not deep relationships, just go out drink, go on walks nothing too fascinating. I excercise and paint, and study and a lot of times just do my own thing by myself. I have come to love this as part of what I need to be me and be happy. It is a fake life though up to a point. You and I still have a bond in life and emotional. To a point I have ignored that and it has been necessary for me to do so to get to know myself. You have played such a dominant role in my life that I needed to do that, I was a fraid I woulod just recreate what you and I had, with a wine club, and not get to know what I want. I also know that this existence has an expiration date and to be honest it has panicked me a bit. I sometimes feel like the start of Mad Men in which the man sits in his office and everything falls apart around him.
I know change is constant. When you told me you were coming back I felt crowded and pushed and it why I reacted so brutally. I know things will change in my everyday, and some parts of it scare me. You coming back is evidence of that. I have paid attention to what you said, about me not looking at you like an ogre, and I am doing my best. I miss you. I download shows and want to watch them with you. When you come back I want us to hang out atleast twice a week. We can watch shows and maybe do walks or even a little excercise. I am fine with you taking the house and taking the pets. However either way I will not be pressured to live with you in 3 months or ever. You will not do that to me without me reacting badly.
I will spend time with you because I miss hanging with you. I want to see if we can act like friends and if there is hope for our marriage. We can learn this by spending time together and just taking it easy. I want to watch some cool new shows I found with you, just hang out. If things develop from us spending time together then that is good. Maybe we will see hope there. But if it is us just forcing things and not getting to a point in which we want to live together, then we need to think of what that means and where we are at. If you want to put a deadline on us figuring this out, I completely understand that. Its fair. However neither of us can guarantee and outcome, and we might find ourselves in this same place, Meaning we might still feel like we do today. If that is the case then we have to think of what kind of decision we would make in 3 or 4 months if we feel like we do now. This is not just me, this is both of us feelign as we do now. You may love me and be willing to get back together with me next week. However I think that this needs to be seen realistic. Would you really want me as I am now, as I feel, as I am thinking? Because this is who I am and what I am. We would not be happy. I think you need to see what I am at this time, and yes things could be better then ever. Things could also just be much worse, there are possibilities and not all of them are good.
I admire how strong you have been on this. As a person I like you. Just because I do not know if I can be happy with you does not mean I do not like you, that is not the same. I think you are incredible and I think well of you and have a lot of tenderness toward you. I like your little voice and how sweet you can be. This does not be we can be happy together. You have to understand that I am tempted to get back together with you because it would be easy, and because I would not hurt you. This however is the worst possible scenario and we should be very aware of this. We have to be on our guard for this, because it is very tempting but would lead to a horrible level of unhappiness.
I am rambling I know, I have a lot of things in my head and sometimes it is just too much to take. I am trying though. I miss you and please take care of yourself. Love yourself, treat yourself like the person you would love most in the world. Do nice things for yourself. Please do this because it kills me I cannot do this for you.
Anyway, at the very least we will laugh and watch this really cool new show called The Hollowmen. It is like the british office, but for a think tank in the Australian government, it is sooooo good.
Ok, going now. Please take care of yourself, I worry about you.
Any thoughts on this? It is more positive than I have heard him in a long time though obviously still not where I want him to be...can I tell him I would want him the way that he is?
What can I say to encourage the good things he has said without being pressuring?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
OK so I know we are to believe none of what they say, but this email seems very genuine and I have a good feeling about it...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
AND he just reached out (while I was away) to see whether I got his email since I hadn't responded yet. My plan was to wait til my call with Jody tonight before responding. He always puts me in this predicament! So he said...
hi, how are you, well i hope you got my email,i wanted to be straight, but the message was i am willing to try, i miss you, we will see what happens and hollowmen is a great show. ok. i have to go on a call.
So, now he's on unavailable. I said only ":) OK you're on a call, we can chat later."
Help! He is being (for him) very positive, so I do not want to be cold and go dark on him. I also don't want to have an R talk via IM. I want to craft a really good email response and send it later.
Any suggestions?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Please keep off the IM today. You need to let him feel a little of the consequences of his actions. Each time you reply you pacify him. Wait until your call tonight. I really strongly recommend no contact today. If you must contact just say 'thank you, I have read the email I want to think about it' or something like that. Remember what the book says about not being over responsive if they do reach out. He asks you for space constantly now let him give you some.
Actually we're chatting now but I have ignored the comments about his email and we're talking about joking things like my loud typing (2 people here told my manager that I type too loud and they can't take it!). I promise not to get baited into responding to the email until I talk to Jody!
What do you think of the email in general? Do you think it's positive? It's like today he's a whole new person...
I won't be overzealous though!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
H just asked if I got the email. I said yes, thank you, it was really nice, I just wanted to take some time to think about it before responding. He said "please pay attention to it. It's not all flowers and gumdrops but it's accurate, no need to respond. I just wanted to know that you saw it."
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hey ITH - That is a very positive email as he said that he does stil want to work on things but I agree with Julia you need to log off of IM and hold back a little. You are showing him that you are always at his disposal. You need to focus on your mental health right now and being so concerned about his doesn't help you. And Lola's comparison about us reaching for any crumb is soo true!! Hold back a little make him wonder why you are not online for a whole day. He is requesting space so you should show him what space is.
