Working on believing in miracles

[istherehope]

Just woke up and had a feeling...So I needed to check my email. I got a long one from H. It is much nicer than they have been, so I would like to respond. An thoughts on how I can do this? Here goes:

We have had some rough conversations lately, and I know this happens and it is not always easy. I do not want to hurt you, it is the last thing I want to do. I walk a fine line between being honest and upfront, and telling you what is in my head. I am angry with you to a point. It is not part of my everyday thinking but it manifests it self when I am frustrated and interpret the same behaviour from you that I have seen in the past that I feel hurt me. I do not think of things in the past as being your fault, I do not blame you. However I will not let it happen again. I do not think you do it on prupose, I think it is just how you communicate and operate. In the same way that I have a confrontational style in how I sometimes talk to people or how I view things. To a point that is my behaviour, as I understand it is yours.

I have to tell you that I have constructed a life for myself up until now. I have became pretty good friends with F and have found a few people to hang with, surprisingly enough, most are men. It is not deep relationships, just go out drink, go on walks nothing too fascinating. I excercise and paint, and study and a lot of times just do my own thing by myself. I have come to love this as part of what I need to be me and be happy. It is a fake life though up to a point. You and I still have a bond in life and emotional. To a point I have ignored that and it has been necessary for me to do so to get to know myself. You have played such a dominant role in my life that I needed to do that, I was a fraid I woulod just recreate what you and I had, with a wine club, and not get to know what I want. I also know that this existence has an expiration date and to be honest it has panicked me a bit. I sometimes feel like the start of Mad Men in which the man sits in his office and everything falls apart around him.

I know change is constant. When you told me you were coming back I felt crowded and pushed and it why I reacted so brutally. I know things will change in my everyday, and some parts of it scare me. You coming back is evidence of that. I have paid attention to what you said, about me not looking at you like an ogre, and I am doing my best. I miss you. I download shows and want to watch them with you. When you come back I want us to hang out atleast twice a week. We can watch shows and maybe do walks or even a little excercise. I am fine with you taking the house and taking the pets. However either way I will not be pressured to live with you in 3 months or ever. You will not do that to me without me reacting badly.

I will spend time with you because I miss hanging with you. I want to see if we can act like friends and if there is hope for our marriage. We can learn this by spending time together and just taking it easy. I want to watch some cool new shows I found with you, just hang out. If things develop from us spending time together then that is good. Maybe we will see hope there. But if it is us just forcing things and not getting to a point in which we want to live together, then we need to think of what that means and where we are at. If you want to put a deadline on us figuring this out, I completely understand that. Its fair. However neither of us can guarantee and outcome, and we might find ourselves in this same place, Meaning we might still feel like we do today. If that is the case then we have to think of what kind of decision we would make in 3 or 4 months if we feel like we do now. This is not just me, this is both of us feelign as we do now. You may love me and be willing to get back together with me next week. However I think that this needs to be seen realistic. Would you really want me as I am now, as I feel, as I am thinking? Because this is who I am and what I am. We would not be happy. I think you need to see what I am at this time, and yes things could be better then ever. Things could also just be much worse, there are possibilities and not all of them are good.

I admire how strong you have been on this. As a person I like you. Just because I do not know if I can be happy with you does not mean I do not like you, that is not the same. I think you are incredible and I think well of you and have a lot of tenderness toward you. I like your little voice and how sweet you can be. This does not be we can be happy together. You have to understand that I am tempted to get back together with you because it would be easy, and because I would not hurt you. This however is the worst possible scenario and we should be very aware of this. We have to be on our guard for this, because it is very tempting but would lead to a horrible level of unhappiness.

I am rambling I know, I have a lot of things in my head and sometimes it is just too much to take. I am trying though. I miss you and please take care of yourself. Love yourself, treat yourself like the person you would love most in the world. Do nice things for yourself. Please do this because it kills me I cannot do this for you.

Anyway, at the very least we will laugh and watch this really cool new show called The Hollowmen. It is like the british office, but for a think tank in the Australian government, it is sooooo good.

Ok, going now. Please take care of yourself, I worry about you.

Any thoughts on this? It is more positive than I have heard him in a long time though obviously still not where I want him to be...can I tell him I would want him the way that he is?

What can I say to encourage the good things he has said without being pressuring?

ITH