New Thread-Husband Moved in With OW(T2L)

[Trying2live]

Ya know you are strong too and we here all have our moments when we kinda go off course or screw up our 180 but we encourage each other to get right back up and forget about it and start over. Its when your in your darkest hours when you find your strength. Strength doesn't have a chance to shine unless it's during your challenges and trails.

If the discovery is new for you, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Your probably in shock mode. I was in shock mode for 2 months. It literally took 2 months for me to be able to feel and really cry. Yes I cried a little before that but not any good cries. I was just in shock. People thought i was strong but no I couldn't feel. Just take care of your self right now. Take extra time for yourself, a nap, pedicure, massage, go for a walk-really anything to pamper your self and get your mind off it.
Sometimes our minds, at least for me, is my worst enemy. I am on a mission to thought stop. IT's doable just takes extreme discipline. I feel better when those thoughts come and I say hey no, I'm not going there, I'm not going to meditate on that, get out of my head and I just turn my thoughts to positive things and faith filled things.

Ya know I wish I knew when the bleeding stops. Funny you say that. My favorite song since the start of this is a song called Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis.

I think it's different for everyone. Some people adjust quicker than others. But it doesn't matter as long as we get to that place.
Your going to make it, all of us are going to make it either way, and I guess the most important thing is that we can look back no matter the outcome and be proud of our efforts and the manner in which we walked through them. Were we bitter and hateful or despite the pain and betrayal or did we some how find the strength to take the higher road. Its hard and sometimes I goof and I say something kinda stinky because its easier to dump my pain back on H but then 10 minutes later I feel like crap and have to apologize. I've only had to do it once but I think that's enough for me.

At first all you can think of is, I want my life and husband back. Its all you can think about. But then a little more time goes by and you start realizing that you need to take care of yourself and get a life and do things so that you can make it the long haul if that's the choice. Build your self up, get strong, healed, and GAL that way if and when reconciliation happens you grew from the circumstance. I think in every circumstance and trial in life we have the choice to grow from and through it or conform to that circumstance. I dont want to conform to it. I know that there still is a life and purpose that I have and my kids have aside of my H, but I'm hoping it'll eventually be with and not with out.
My encouragement to you and all of us, as it was told to me by my Pastor. Use this time to find your self and who you are.

GAL-so important. Come here and vent anytime all the individuals on the thread are amazing. We pull each other up. It's truly amazing to me.

[marisol35]

Hi everyone!

I totally agree with T2L on every aspect you talked about! That is my favorite song too!

After my trip I realized I can make it anywhere if I put my mind to it. Whether its where I live now or somewhere else. But it does make it easier to be somewhere else because you know you can't run into him or he can't just come over unannounced or you won't run into him and OW in a restaurant or something. That is why I felt so at peace when I was in Chicago. I felt so free because I was free from him.

But then I come back and knowing he is here makes me want him back. I can't believe its over and he truly wants this D. Its just so hard to accept. I just want us to start over.

Last night we found out his grandmother passed away. He sent me a text to let our D16 know and I called him to send my condolences. When I got home D16 sat with me watching TV and she just started to cry saying how sad she was for my MIL because her mom died and then she goes on to say how much she wants her dad and brother back. It was awful. I told her no matter what we were going to be ok but that I loved her dad more than anything its just I can't make someone love me or want to be with me. He has to want that in order for us to be together. Its so hard. There is so much pain in this world happening every second of the day.

I dream about my H almost every night. You just feel so helpless because we want to help our H's get out of this fog but there is absolutely nothing we can do. We can only work on ourselves because that is what we have full control over.

Patience......patience.....patience

[hope3343]

Hello all, T2L -- guess what Bleeding love is my song also right now -- think we should start a new thread titled that??

Marisol, glad you had a good weekend -- wish I could get away and I am thinking about it. your back take one day at a time and keep GAL

TxMom, My H started all this in July, I am still very much in shock. I have been DBing on and off -- some days I fall flat but have been consistent these last 4 days and I know H is confused. H is in all this drama of moving out and I am just doing my thing and chatting nicely, making dinner, making plans and H does not know what to think of it.

It is going to be a bad night though. H called me just now to tell me that he is telling our Ds tonight that he is moving out next week. I said whatever you feel is right. But I did screw up a few times in the conversation. I said to H, whoever is giving you this advise about Atty and Mediators (OW of course), did you ask them how their kids did without their father and what kind of relationship does their kids have with them now (I hear her daughters do not see their father), H got mad and said "why do you think there is OW -- "I am just not happy" (liar liar pants on fire) --
so I stepped back to DB and said your right we are not to talk about this we are talking about what is best for your daughters. I know how difficult this will be because you are a good father (subjective). H said he appreciated me saying that. Then off of DBing I asked are you sure this is what you want to do...and he says I already have a lease - so stupid me says leases are made to be broken. H said I need to take care of myself, I need to make my own decisions. I said you are right I agree, you let me take care of everything and I was not happy with that either - turned to back to him.
H then says I notice some changes in you lately -- you have more confidence, you are getting out more and losing weight. I said well I need to do things for myself because I never want to go back to that person I was. I am keeping an open mind on this. I then asked H "I hope you keep an open mind too because you could really change from this also." I then told H you really need to grow also, because if we change our minds I never want to go back to that horrible way of our marriage again. I want you to be enpowered. I am tired of taking care of you. H was stunned and quiet.

Then H mentions he needs a break from work and wants to get away. I said take me to Las Vegas that is the least you owe me. That threw H..he says right we are seperating and you want to go to Las Vegas. So I said so what I could use a break too. No comment. I think he must be planning a weekend with OW to San Antonio..her daughter is getting married on Oct 12 so I am sure she would like a weekend away.

Then before I hang up I mention I have to find a costume for a halloween party that both of us were invited to on Oct 18. So H says well we should maybe go together otherwise everyone at work will be saying -- where's H, where's H???? So I said that would be fine we could at least have a laugh together. (we are not telling anyone at work for a few months -- except OW knowing)

Well everyone please says some prayers for my daughters tonight. I am so worried about this. I am mad at H for putting them through this pain. Still can't believe it. I am making a list of goals over the weekend on what I want to do to the house redecorating and rearranging to keep busy for while. We have this king size bed that we bought last year because H wanted the largest size and now he is leaving and it upsets me everynight when I go to sleep. I hope his new furnished apt the bed is lumpy and smells.
Thanks everyone for letting me vent. I am starting to freak out. deep breaths.

[hope3343]

Need group hug tonight....worse night EVER.

H tells D15 that he wants to talk to her and says you know Daddy has not been happy and I asked your mother for a Divorce??? (he was only supposed to tell her he was moving out) She looked stunned, then he caught himself and said well what I am going to do is move out and see what happens. Then he had the grace to say well this is something that your mother does not want. So I tell her, we will stay in the house and we will not move back to CT because I know you want to finish school here and Mommy is making that concession because she knows how well you are doing here. I also said You know Daddy needs to work on himself to be happy and Mommy will work on herself to keep taking care of our girls. But I want you to know this is not my decision and for now I stand by my marriage no matter what Daddy feels. D15 asks to go to her room. She is now on the phone with her friends crying.
So H goes to call our other D28 in CT. He says he is going to call her on the cell phone, I look outside and he is gone with his car. So I have no idea what she is telling him or him telling her. I will be sooo mad if he has the NERVE to call the OW tonight to let her know that he finally told the kids. I want him to have NO comfort tonight. When D15 went to her room he says I know she is crying, well what did you expect? Then he whines "I am not happy, and I turn to him and say do you know how ridicoulus you sound? Look at our daughter's face she is wounded" This is your decision, you don't have cancer or something you can't help -- this is about no one but you. It is a selfish decision", so he says Now I am the bad guy. Forget DB tonight I am too upset, mad. and sad.
I am waiting to go into D's room and talk. She will NEVER look at him the same. I see it in her eyes. She is such a good kid, always filled with joy, excitement and happiness -- he is taking that away from her because he is not happy. I HATE MLC

[Trying2live]

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry.{{breathe}}. Ok {{Hugs}}. I think you did fine. Under the circumstances and I wouldn't worry about DB'ing. You did fine.
Your girls are in good hand. Those are your hands. You will know exactly what to do and to say when you need to. If you can get your daughter into therapy and one that is solution based. Either way she is going to have the full range of emotions. Your children are smart. All children universally can see, hear and spot truth. They know it. They will know that your H is being selfish as did my kids. And if my H lied about something I backed it up with truth. I told them as much as you would like to trust your dad for now we cant. He is not the daddy that we knew. That person doesn't exist anymore and I don't want you to be hurt if he promises or says things and he doesn't do it. I am very honest with my kids. Kids respect that. They appreciate straight shooters. So shoot straight.

My kids did. We went through a terrible time in August but now things are calming. Somethings happened with my daughter that never in a million years did I expect. But God is faithful and things were discovered and we talked and were on track again.

You can bet that he called OW. You see they stop confiding in us. They stopped the friendship with us. So they always call them. My H told me,"Oh she was so proud of me that I told you guys so quickly." I'm sorry but who gives a ****. Oh sorry guys. It's all so lame self centered and annoying. I don't claim to be perfect, but I just know you sacrifice for the family. Go off after your last one turns 18. Ok I'm going to stop ranting.
So now is your chance to shine friend. Detach and become indifferent, sweet, busy GAL'ing. Time to go to work, that's if you still want to. My H has been gone since 2 weeks after discovery(May). I am now, kind of just a tiny tiny bit enjoying the free time. I am actually dreading more if he does decide to come home. That's when the super hard work begins.
Ya know, deep down inside, this was my deepest darkest fear that most people did not know about-except for my H. And guess what it happened. And to my surprise I'm still alive. And for what it is I'm ok. So now that my deepest fear is over there is almost relief. Like nothing really matters now.
I know its hard. My heart goes out to you. keep in touch. Post or call ok.

[hope3343]

Hi T2L and everyone, what a sad horrible night. Well H told D28 and I guess she reamed him out. She talked to me for about 5 minutes and has been talking to sister rest of time. She told him that he must be having an A and H says No, and she tells him "what do you think I am some kid, you are just some guy getting old and having a midlife crisis. I used to be the Ow I see how guys get when they look at their lives and are not happy", Then he tells her where he is moving and she says, "why would you go there -- it is a complex with all young people". ouch. He came in the house and looked shell shocked. He kept saying my girls are mad at me, (what did you expect), D15 is barely looking at him and talking to him. But he still is moving on Wed. Then he sat on the couch and talked to me for 1/2 hour and then comes over and kisses me - says I'm sorry and goes to bed. Well now D is going over her friends after school and then going to football game. She is trying to avoid her father. On Sunday we go to San Antonio for soccer game. Last weekend here. Tomorrow will be better. Your right I have to breathe. I will call school tomorrow to let them know if D has any issues.
Thanks for the post. How did we all get here?

[Trying2live]

Hey Hope3343,
How are you this morning? How is your daughter? Getting son ready for school just wanted to pop in and see how you are. I'll get back on later.
The kids and I are going to see the movie Fireproof this afternoon. Too bad you H couldn't go see it with you. Wish ALL our husbands could go see it with us.

Have a great day guys. Remember your loved regardless of our H's or W's.

[hope3343]

T2L, I am spent. Poor D15, she did not come in this morning to see us like she does all mornings (sits or lays on the bed with us before school), H gets up and he says good bye to her, I go to kiss her before she leaves and she says I don't want to talk about it. I told her I just wanted to give you a kiss. Saw H at work he asks how D is and I told him what happened, he asks if he should call her - Yeah great idea since she is at school and will probably fall apart. H called me and said he called sister today, he said she was shocked (she lives in Scotland), he said she wanted me to call and I said I am absolutely calling her. I want to expose him because I am sure this was a one sided story. Also letting her know about all the drinking.
Thanks for checking in with me. I wanted to stay home but need to save it for a day when he moves. take care.

[marisol35]

(((((hugs))))) to you hope and to your daughters.....I know exactly how they are feeling. My D16 is the same way with her dad. She won't look at him much less talk to him since he moved out on 8/21. He calls her occassionally to ask if she will ever talk to him, that he misses her, and that he would like to take her to dinner to talk. I told her to do it when she is ready. She has to let it all out whether its yelling, crying, getting angry, or whatever the case may be she must get those feelings out and not keep them bottled up inside because it will eat away at her and she would never be able to start healing from this whole situation. I also told her that when she is ready that she must make it clear to him that it is a conversation between him and her ONLY. She needs to talk to him ALONE (not with anyone else in the picture - like OW).

Keep your daughters close and take care of them like you have been. Keep GALing and be courageous through this. The day he moves will be very painful, you will be in shock when you don't see his things in the closet, and when it hits you that he won't be there in the morning or come home from work. That was the hardest part for me. Sometimes I would just sit at the counter waiting for my H to come in through the garage. But every day that passes it gets a little easier. Filling your time with activities will make it even better. You will make it.

T2L you sound so strong and positive. I am so happy for you! Time does heal all wounds..... The more time you are having for yourself and empowering yourself the stronger you become and know that you can make it with or without him.

I hope everyone else is doing good....

As for me, I am meeting a paralegal today to go over the D papers and file a response. It was something for me to look at those papers and see his signature. It's just so hard to accept and know that there are still strong feelings between us. Its a connection we have had since our teenage years. I just don't want to let go so easily but I have no choice if that is what he wants. But deep down inside of me I feel like it is not that he wants it but that he didn't know what else to do because he has messed up our marriage so badly and believes that he can't fix it. He told his mom that I am better off without him and that I will be happier not being with him. I just see him struggling so much that I just want to reach out and help. I know that would be backsliding but I can't bare to hear him talk the way he has been. I just don't know. It's so hard. I'm trying to be a friend to him like I have read in other stories where the spouse continued being friends and ultimately their mates returned to them. I want the same thing. I want him to fall in love with me again and to feel what it feels like with me.

Anyways! I'm babbling......

Remember! I am strong, I am courageous, I have the power to get through this because I am a strong woman, I am beautiful, I deserve the best and nothing less!!!!!!!

[dbmod]

Trying2live:

Please note personal contact information edits on this thread.


EDITED - email addresses are NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the
Divorcebusting.com: Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.