Memories of today

[transformer]

Beth,

I'm so sorry to hear about this BS being spewed out of H's mouth. I don't understand it, didn't he just say he thought he was going to feel sorry for her??? what/??

Dawn has given you such great advice. It must be MLC cycling. And Mishka's words are so smart too. I don't know what else to say except I am thinking of you and pulling for YOU. Look into your own heart. You deserve an amazing love from an amazing man. If that man is going to be H, he will need to prove himself to you... if you chose to take him back, what would your preconditions be?

what can you do to make things better right now, in this moment, for yourself?
(((BETH)))
love,
T

[Dawn of Hope]

Dawn has given you such great advice. It must be MLC cycling.

Awww... I haven't even been at this as long as many people here, but I think my personality may just be more "suited" for DBing than some...and AD's help a lot, too!

Don't let his cycling trigger YOU to cycle. It's his drama, and you don't have to play if you don't want to. Sometimes people say, "It would be so great if he would just suddenly WAKE UP and do the 'I coulda hadda V-8' thing and say 'I can't believe how CRAZY and STUPID I've been--I'm so in love with you, I never want to lose you again!' and actually STICK WITH that attitude!!" Don't we all wish!?! But in all the time I've been on this board, I have never heard of it happening that way. It's the classic MLC dance, which is far closer to a circle than a straight line. ILY...no, I don't...I want to save our M...no, I want to be with OP...I want you...oh, wait, you're actually toxic to me...you're an angel...you're the devil's offspring...reel in...push away...flirtatious...cold...

And they can't possibly imagine why we want to smack them and yell, "Pick a direction already, willya??!!"

Only you can say whether you should keep at it. Remember, you don't have to plan for the rest of your life right now...just take it a day at a time. I think this is where people get hung up sometimes...looking too far into the future and borrowing trouble that may never materialize (and I'm just as guilty as anyone else, here!). Detach, detach, detach, and take care of yourself. Think of him as an interesting psychological study subject. Don't burn any bridges unless you can make the decision to do so from that still, calm place inside yourself, which may take you a while to find under the circumstances.

You can do this! I know you can! Hugs....

Peace and courage,
Dawn

[One Day]

((((Beth))))

I can't believe your H, but I do totally agree with Dawn that he's cycling. I know it's scant consolation, but at least it means he's nearing the end of the tunnel. I'd hate it if someone said that to me, so please 2x4 me if you want to.....

How are you doing today? Have you had any further interactions? I think getting some distance and focussing on you is a good plan right now. You've done it before so well (DB Queen!) so I know you're on top of it already.

Thinking of you,

L. xx

[Beth 83]

Thanks Guys!

Doing well today. Taking sometime to think about taking care of myself.

T--I bought Passionate Marriage! Just waiting to get it from Amazon!

Dawn--you've had such great advice, so happy to have you read my thread!

L--I just added you to Facebook!

H and I saw each other almost every day this week. It's been going ok. Don't really feel like getting into it...would rather go and read your threads!

[Beth 83]

ok all, I think I'm ready to express the way I feel.

I feel like H is using me. I feel like he is mourning OW and would get back together with her in a heartbeat. I feel like I am invisible to H except when he is lonely. H gets whatever he wants with me.

It's like, H desires me, H finds me funny, H enjoys my company. But, that doesn't seem to phase H. I feel like saying to H, "HELLO?! Maybe you LOVE ME?!"

Sigh.

Ok. H is in therapy now. FINALLY dealing with his self-loathing issues. When he talks about the OW, I basically reinforce to him about how he put himself in a destructive relationship b/c that is what he feels he deserves (b/c he doesn't believe that he deserves anything better). OW cheated on him while they were together (Karma's a bitch!) And H says that he did infidelity once (with me...aren't I lucky) and that he isn't THAT person who would do it again and OW is just a serial cheater. I listen to him and I just think, "you totally deserve all of this."

Ok. About how I feel:
1) Sometimes, when I'm with him, I want to turn the other way and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. This drama JUST ISN"T ME. This isn't me! I hate stuff like this! I want to be with someone who knows he wants to be with me. I want to be with someone who isn't constantly looking for the next thing. I know what it means to be content. I don't need this drama.

2) I don't even know what I love about H anymore.

3) I can't wait to get the heck out of this house and into my own place. I'm also incredibly depressed that it looks like we are going to lose money on the house b/c of the sucky housing market right now. I'm upset about losing the money, but there is a bigger part of me that just doesn't care and just wants to GET OUT.
I just don't want to deal with packing. UGH. Anyone have any advice as to how they handled packing away/separating your stuff from H? I actually feel sort of sick just thinking about it. Am I supposed to take our wedding album? I wish it would all just disappear.

Ok...enough venting for now!

[One Day]

Hey Beth!

Sorry I've been MIA a bit this week- seem to have been pretty busy, which is good and bad!

H gets whatever he wants with me.

I read this and wondered if you think it might be worth putting some boundaries in place then? I don't think H should get whatever he wants from you all the time- he should know what's acceptable and what's not (assuming you have some boundaries you want to put in place, of course)

I feel like saying to H, "HELLO?! Maybe you LOVE ME?!"

I was ROTFLMAO at this- I know EXACTLY how this feels, I actually think I even wrote it on my thread a few weeks ago! It's great that H is getting some therapy now though- a really good sign. I hope it's helping him; have you asked about it, or is he volunteering info?

Also very interesting that the Horse cheated on him and that H's eyes are being opened to her behaviour. One thing I would say, though, is not to reinforce anything about their R to him- just let him take the lead on conversations and validate whatever he says. At this stage I'd imagine he's in mourning for the R. hugely aggravating considering we can see the R was pants, but I'd imagine he can't quite yet (although it DOES sound like he's getting there). Would putting boundaries in place/showing H your strength at all help here?

I can totally relate to the feelings you outlined (1 and 2). I wish I knew the answers. Maybe making a list of the positive things about H might trigger some loving feelings? Passionate marriage might also help- I know T swears by it! I also wish I could offer advice on splitting stuff up, but sadly I can't as I still have 75% of H's stuff here. Maybe someone else will chime in with some advice though.....could you get packers in? (Probably a totally stupid suggestion, but best I can come up with, sorry!)

Hope your weekend is super-fun and fab Beth!! I missed you- it's nice to exchange posts and advice again; so many similarities for us, although you're so much further ahead of me on all fronts!!

L. xx

[transformer]

Dearest Beth,

You are so open with your feelings here... it is really inspiring. I'm sorry to hear that H is still cycling, etcetera.

one thing I picked up from your threads... how the drama isn't you, and sometimes you just want to run away from him, and how you can't wait to get out of your joint house and into your own place... what in your life is bringing you joy right now? I know that in the midst of all this crap even what brought us so much juicy joy before can become so so bleak and empty. But, what in your life is lifting you up, filling you up, making you want to dance and shout? I am sorry, I think I give this advice over and over to everyone here including myself... but I want you to have something to be excited about, that fulfills you and satisfies you! What would be five tiny steps you could take towards that? I am sorry if this is annoying. I want you to sparkle and shine!!!!

LOVE,
T

[transformer]

PS Passionate Marriage will help, I promise!!

[Essie]

Hi Beth

I cant help you with any of the emotional stuff - I'm on my own rollercoaster and it sucks!

But I did want to tell you that I packed up all H's stuff months ago, and it was really good! Fresh start. I made my house friendly to date other men, and I didn't want to keep coming across stuff that I thought of as being his. I did cry - but it was nowhere near as bad as I though once I started. And I packed up all wedding stuff, into one box and gave it to my parents, so if I ever need it I can have it, but if not I never need to think of it again.

Thinking of you, and wishing there was an easy solution for H's that cant get their SH*T together!

[Beth 83]

There is really nothing right now that is making me want to dance and shout. I'm pretty miserable.

Oh, H has met up w/ OW again and still pining for her. What does DB say about that?

We spent the whole weekend together, went to the city, slept together numerous times, he slept in our bed on Saturday night...1st time in over a year.

He lied to me again last night...saying that he was going to go out with his friend but really met up with her (how do I find these things out?!)

It sorta makes me laugh and shake my head with how much of a liar he is. You know what I mean? What an effing liar! And the only reason I can think of that he would lie to me is because I think she is a horrible person and he knows that. He doesn't want to tell me because basically, I would write him off. It makes me feel like playing her game, you know? Like, she thinks she is going to win this, but I have the effing trump card...I'M THE WIFE!!

But, the fact of the matter is, I don't want to play a game. Right. As I always say, I would rather walk away from the drama than engage in it.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to do. I started drafting up a letter to him basically saying that I wanted to stop sleeping together.

So, I definitely need to set up some boundaries.

Boundaries;
1) stop telling him absolutely everything that I'm doing. Even if it is sitting on the couch....just don't clue him in. Be a bit mysterious.

2) How do I stop sleeping with him now? We've become sexual fiends! Talking about sex and different positions. That is the area I feel most used with, but also the area that I feel I needed to show my 180 the most (our sexual relationship was in the toilet for years and years and years). So, sex is the biggest 180 for us.

Biggest thing that I've been feeling lately is that I feel like a walk away wife. I feel like I want nothing to do with him anymore because I feel like dirt and I feel like I need to make a stand. A stand for myself before a stand for my marriage. Can anyone understand that? Like, I don't want to GAL for my marriage, I want to GAL for myself!

As always, I'm logging on when I'm most desperate. I'm such a DB forum user! Sigh.