DQ--I read you sitch and felt a lot like I was reading my story with no D (yet).
To answer your questions which I think are great BTW, yes. I never had sex out of guilt with H. I only wanted him. Before, during, and after A. I still only want him. And yes we have great sex. Probably the one thing that has really kept us together through everything. Last time, he got some on my nightie and I kept it for a few days prior to washing so I could smell him. Might be the last time and I didn't want to let go.
So, lifeline, I know you got a little pummled over in newcomers (me included) but you really need to figure out what you are doing. H and I have hurt and punished each other. But we have also had some really great times. I can guarantee one thing. H would never treat me that way. No matter what he was looking for. When I read it I wanted to throw up. I'm really sorry you had to go through that especially with your past abuse.
I liked the idea of keeping that stuff out of the bedroom. Do not live the rest of your life letting him torture you. Punish, consequences, sure, but not like that.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
