Hi nlt, Thanks for popping in. I did well but today is not such a good day.
Yesterday in the afternoon I got a phone call from a GF that she would like to met me to go for a walk. We had a drink in the sun and enjoyed the afternoon. She told me that she enjoys being with me as I am such a cheereful person!!! – If she only knew how I really feel. I think I have covered (?) depression! I can pretend to be happy towards other people but sometimes when I am alone, I just fall apart.
Today was a strange day. It is a grey day and on days like this I always get sad and depressed. I don't seem to let go of H, and the memories of good times are always in my head. I miss him as we did certain things at this time of the year, and it reminds me of the fun time we had together. I also want to let go of him to be able to meet somebody else, but I am still not ready although it has been over 3 years. I need to move on as H is not coming back.
Later in the afternoon I got an e-mail from H. The tone was much better than last time. He thanked me for helping him with the property and he thinks that it might not sell soon. He wished he had never bought it as it only brought him bad luck. He asked me how I was and that he hopes I am fine. That one of his sisters is getting divorced.
He goes on asking me whether I can do our divorce. That he does not see any point in staying married and that I would get the money anyway once the property is sold. I should just let go of him. He wants to be on his own. That he has little contact with friends or family but he does not really know why. He hates getting old and being with old people. He asked me to give his regards to my sisters. (He has not done that for a very long time.)
I felt really bad after getting his e-mail. I would like to help him getting over his problem with aging, but I really don't know what to do about it. I asked him before whether he would not like to see a psychiatrist or psychologist and he declined.
I want to reply to him that I don't want a D and that HE has to do all the paperwork if he wants one (I wrote the same thing several times, but he just does not want to know about it – I will surely not do anything about a D!). I would also like to write to him about my attitude regarding aging. Further I would like to finally tell him how I really feel.
Any thoughts from anybody? I would appreciate some suggestions. Thanks a lot.
TL you already know you can't help him with his problem with ageing. You have offered your help and made suggestions how he might help himself. It has all been declined. Do not respond to that part of his email. He is doing it to get your attention, he wants you to say 'poor H'. That would be all well and good if it were genuine. How can it be when in the same email he asks you about getting a D?
A few months ago I would've told you to ignore completely this email. After my own experiences this week I think that advice has changed to ignore the bit about getting old but think seriously about you taking control of the D. I know its not what you want (neither do I) but it feels so much better to be in control. If you were in the driving seat I'm pretty sure all these poor me emails would stop b/c your H would have to realise (probably for the first time) that actually you do have a life of your own and you do need to be allowed to live it without being in his shadow. More importantly he would have to realise that you have taken control of your self esteem again and whatever happens you will always need that.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
ACJ Thanks for your thoughts. I don't want to take control of the D because then H will say that I wanted a D and I wanted to get some more money. That is not at all the case. And on top of it I will have to pay for it as well.
I know though what you mean regarding taking control of the D and him seeing that I let go of him. Last time I told him I would give him a D he stopped the process because he said he was not sure whether he really wanted a D!
However, I don't think I ever lost my selfesteem.
I will think about your suggestion in any case. Thanks for this input.
You do what you feel is right for you. Only you will know when you are ready to file, if it comes to that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
IMO, I wouldn't do anything about the D, if he wants it he has to do the work & also he has to pay for it! If your proceed you might end up paying & you don't want that.
If he starts the D, get a good L, tell him what you want & stick to it. Your H may back down, it's sound like he doesn't know what he wants.
I'm sorry you are so depressed, but I know exactly how you feel. I was feeling the same way today b/c of the weather & the time of year. I also am happy on the outside & that is what I show people but then fall apart later.
Hi Snodderly, Thanks for checking in on me and your continuous support. You are right - I am not ready to file. However, I cannot avoid it if H wants a D.
Hi nlt, Thanks for coming by. Yes, I guess we are going through the same thing. And yes, the weather is gloomy and grey.
You are right, H does still not know what he wants but I don't think this time he will back down.
As he said he does not like to be with old people and he considers me also old. Therefore, he does not want to be with me either!!!
I was planning to go to a fair today but I think I will stay at home. The weather is still grey and cold but tomorrow should be sunny and lovely again. I will meet a GF for hiking.
Send us that grey weather. How old is your H if I may ask?
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Thank you for stopping by my thread & your support. Our weather is beautiful here but we sure do need some rain.
Well, just keep praying about the sitch. You never know what may happen. At least you are GAL, I know it's so hard & sad. Someone sent me this email & this sentence:
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
