Sometimes.. when you face your fears.. they are not really all that scary."
You know, I am not so sure that I would call it fear anymore. I suppose in the long run I am afraid of losing her.
I am afraid that she will always remember the bad times and that I will not have a chance to make up for what I have done...treat her right and give her the life she deserves....afraid that deep down she really just does not like me.....that when she looks into my eyes she sees bad, not good.
Those are fears I have, (or are they just regrets?)....and the fear that the day never comes and we start planning our future together again....that this dance just goes on and on for another 6 months.
The fears of her telling me the time has come, her leaving or asking me to leave? Not so much these days.
I don't fear being alone in my life...not if she does not want to be with me. I do not fear seeing her with someone else....not if she does not want to be with me.
What I think I feel more than anything when I hear the reminders and the innuendos is just frustration..impatience. The daily and weekly ups and downs, the great times we have together, and have had since the bomb was dropped....all just so confusing.
I have not done all the things I promised myself I would do over the last few months, but I know one thing..I was sincere in my efforts. She may not know my changes are real, but I do. She may not think they will last but I do.
There may be more I can do..for her and myself...and by no means am I ready to quit, but in six months I have treated her with love and respect and we have had some great times together.
If she told me tonight she was done, I would bow out gracefully and thank her sincerely for the last 6 months, but I think the DBing would be over....I would be sad and I would be hurt, but I would not be afraid.
