Also post this in newbie section. Are we a lost cause?
My story is long, but I will try and condense.
About two years ago my husband and I moved cross country for his job. We had a new house and baby. The opportunity was a great one for him. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The move was good, but had some stresses. We could not sell our old house, hastily bought a new one, and I was adjusting to not working, leaving family and friends. All pressures fell on my husband's shoulders and we were all alone.
We've always had a great, strong relationship. He came from broken home. Parents unreliable, with both essentially abandoning him as a child. He was a delinquent teenager, had to deal with an evil stepmom, etc. I thought he had risen above these issues.
With the added stresses we would fight more than usual. One resulted in my husband saying sometimes he can't handle the marriage and felt he did not always love me the same. He was afraid our marriage would only get worse.
I tried to make things better for him, but he began to regress. He started putting up walls, becoming introverted, hanging out more with friends and drinking.
We tried counseling. He was committed to making things work. He always expressed he didn't know why he was doing what he was doing. He was constantly confused. We established there was/is no one else and I believe all that would have come out in the wash.
After a couple months, I concluded he may be suffering from depression. After three good counseling sessions and one bad weekend, he said he was done with the marriage. He had become unreliable, selfish and increased drinking. He was hanging out with much younger coworkers and ditching his family responsibilities.
Unfortunately, I could not fathom being alone. We agreed to work on ourselves and decided I would need to move back home with our daughter. He said he needed to try and "get better." He agrees he does not want to be rash with his feelings and began individual therapy. I have asked many times in anger, etc. if he does want a divorce now, and he says he wants to go to therapy and see what happens.
So now we are nine weeks into our separation. My daughter and I are back west. He is tortured with being lonely, but continues to go out and drink. I trust him when he says he is faithful and not in that frame of mind. He says his feelings haven't changed, but he is enjoying therapy and it does seem that he is coming to some realizations. He waffles and says he sees a light at the end of the tunnel but doesn't know what it means and then says (when angry) he doesn't want to be my husband.
On top of this, my company offered me my old job back and due to an uncertain future I took it. He is actually accepting a job transfer in Albuquerque to be closer. He says if we get back together we will make it all work.
As you can see, this is a long story. There are many holes to fill. He is confused and continuously confusing me. I just need advice on how to deal with all of this. He came to visit this weekend. We all hung out and it was great. Our foundation allows us to continue a close, friendly relationship. I believe my husband cares very deeply for me. I am just not sure why he is doing this. He said he is has not fixed the issues in his head yet. He also believes sometimes he does not deserve my love. All this hurts. I feel in the end, I believe he broke our marriage, I am not sure if I want him back, and that he is destroying his life. I am not sure if this will work itself out, I try to come to the realization I need to move on, but it is so hard after nine years of being together.
Thank you for reading... if you have made it this far.
