Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Puppy,
Thanks once again for thinking of me. I value very much your input and insight.

The Piece did of course start me thinking about whether I was a sheep or a sheepdog.

I can quite clearly see the analogy here. The thing is that I think that I AM fighting.
I am fighting for myself, my family and my marriage by making changes in myself, and by trying my best to follow the DR principles in the best way I can in relation to my situation.

I think if I truly felt that my wife's relationship with OM was the reason for the breakdown in our marriage, and the underlying reason for her not wanting to work on it, then I would find it easier to pursue a more aggressive approach to this.

The truth is, as I understand it, she ended the M because of all that has happened before, and not because of an all consuming EA with this man.

She had many issues with him from when she was very young, and I don't think either of them had sufficient "closure".

I have therefore not felt in any position of strength or sufficient detatchment to embark on the more demanding, ultimatum-delivering approach.

That's not to say that I digest and think on every word that you have said on my sitch Pup. And I vacillate daily, between thinking I must have more patience, and to keep working on myself, and that other place that I dread to go in my mind. The place where I have to think about filing, or threatening to file.

I just don't think she is in a place to respond positively to that. But if my goal, to use the analogy, is to be more like the "sheepdog", I'm just not sure what else I might have in my arsenal to use against the wolf. I think that the irony here is that the "wolf" here is not so much this OM, but to some extent within me.

That's why my own introspection and heartfelt changes are so necessary in this process. I think it takes great courage and guts to face those things, and to love unconditionally with no expectation.

If my last remaining action is to think about filing, then I had better be sure that I am able to live with the fact that if it goes to the bitter end and we do divorce, then I can live with those consequences. I don't want to end up thinking... "what if I had just waited a few more months, had more patience. etc."

But I know that inaction is also almost as bad.

Do you think there's something more I could do without going for the big one?

Thanks so much Pup.