Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Bagheera, Threw you a curve ball, sorry. Ex husb had the hobby obsession.

I have no problem w/his career choices. He is an external locus of control person and tends to be a quitter at times. That means "everything happens to me" and "Nobody will gimme..." as well as the ever popular "you made me do it". He used to be quick to discuss blame and bring up stuff from the stone age during arguments. After 1st couple yrs of marriage, I mentioned that he argues like a woman. (No dad at home, guess who he learned from-mom-aunts-grammas and contentious ones at that)I also clearly pointed out that blame plays no part in any and every conversation, like "Look at the nose marks on that window" or "how did that table get so dusty" My guess is blame was a club used to generate guilt among other things from the time he was little. My mom was a yeller, but jeez, nothing like that!

As I mentioned, he's never had a job he was really happy with. I have nothing to do with that. So when he says its my fault he is doing this one..... since the day he walked in the door 10 yrs ago he's never looked for another one. So...... I am not faulting his choice, I'm saying he's angry w/me for expressing the opinion that the offered promotion (which he even developed a strategy so they'd offer it to him) was great and it sounded like a good idea. They have breakdowns often and often are short handed cuz guys don't show up. He has relatively new bosses that are addressing those issues (at last, I might add). These headaches are not my fault. I didn't force him to take the job. But he's angry at me. Has to blame it on someone, but the real culprits are his bosses who were slow to see & fix problems. No, I have not pointed this out to him.

I am not picking on him cuz of his health problems, I desperately want him to get himself healthy. It is miserable to be in pain all the time. I am and always have been concerned and unhappy about all the afternoons without his company. Major complaints? I feel that spouses need to take care of themselves and each other so they can enjoy life together as long as possible. Women aren't as bad about neglecting their health, but they can be awful hypochondriacs somethimes. Guys just hate going to the Dr. Needles, costs $$, he'll tell me to quit yadda yadda, he'll make me do yadda yadda. My message has always been, "you go down, you take me with you" Financially, quality of life, no one to play with, and here we are. I've always said I didn't ever want to not be able to run around like a nut and have fun when I wanted to. He derided his obesse mom for sitting in front of the TV all the time. Now it seems like that's what he's trying to achieve (not the obesity part).

He can communicate just fine when he wants to express his feelings and opinions about politics, politicians, crooked elected officials, anyone who isn't Italian, how good the latest plum tomatoes are, how much he likes his SUV, whether the sauce is good or bad, how much he misses his gramma's cooking.....
Clearly, bluntly, offensively, and even diplomatically But sex and intimacy, not on your life.

He knows I love him even if he says I don't. He isn't always defensive and angry. I am trying to strategize. Heck, I was in HR mgmt for 18 yrs. Worked w/some of the worst hotheads you can imagine, but I wasn't married to them. This is harder to do and quite a slap in the face when I'm told "I won't, I'll never, you're crazy, you need to be committed" That's the core and its fear driven. He's afraid to try, afraid he's not able, afraid he won't be himself anymore??

Anyway, I thought about the lack of respect involved in sleeping in the other room. Went to bed in our room last nite. Started dozing off, he came home, poked his head in and asked me if I wanted him to sleep in the other room. Woke me up, dammit. Never did go back to sleep. Eventually started crying again while he snored and clung to the far edge of the bed. Usually he likes to spoon. (thus my teddybear comments)

For fun, I went outside & tried to sleep on the chaise so I could listen to the night bugs before winter kills them. Was chilly and started thinking about the skunks that live under the nabor's shed. Went back in and to spare room. Fell asleep maybe 3:30. Was up & out before he got up. Riding day. Tomorrow is golf. I'm off his back. He has the house to himself. He refuses to talk and I'm still having meltdowns. Marvy. I'm not real sympathetic about the possibility of his feeling picked on. Man or 4 yr old? This is your beloved wife, howling at the moon fit to die!!!!!!

I know it takes a long time & I should have done this years ago before it got this bad. No guts, no glory. I am a fighter, but I don't always have the heart for the fight. I am not referring to 2 people yelling, I mean dealing with the whole life-killing thing. I am a nice person, I don't deserve this.

I appreciate your comments. Keep talkin' to me. I have no brothers to offer insights about man brains. Friend I had who was great for that is retired 2000 mi. away. Not sure I'd tell him about this anyway. Yeah, its embarrasing for mee, too.