Close encounters of the MLC kind

[NNP1965]

(((hoosiermama)))

[1hope]

OK, I'm going to confess some profoundly selfish feelings here. Can anyone relate to this?......I feel betrayed all over again because D is always so excited to see her father. I'm doing 99% of the parenting, the chauffering around, the homework, the boring everyday stuff, while he gets to have fun with her and then go off and pursue whatever self-actualization he chooses to do. I'm feeling a little like chopped liver.

((((HM))))) I can relate. When my 1st H and I were getting divorced my sons were about the same age as your D. I went thru these same issues and feelings.

It was all so unfair, and it broke my heart.

He and the OW reinforced that they were the "fun parents" and I was the bi@*h mom. Everyone told me that the boys would figure it out for themselves, and to just keep doing the right thing.

They were right. In time the boys, (now in their mid-twenties) saw she & he for what they are. They love their dad, flaws and all, but they are very vocal about their dislike of the OW. Honestly, I don't think kids ever forgive the OP for destroying the family.

I believe that what goes around does come back around. Usually not on the schedule that we would like, but it does happen.

I think I need to bump up the zoloft.

Not a bad idea...but talk to your doc first

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, Theo. I know all that stuff, I was just feeling crappy about it. It has passed.

As for what you have learned--wow. WOW. I could say just about the same things. It doesn't feel like sleepwalking when you're doing it. It feels like you're dancing as fast as you can, just keeping your head above water to get everything accomplished and meeting everyone else's needs. I was pretty passionate about a few things, but there are additional things I should have been passionate about as well. But your last sentence:

But no one ever really knew me.

That is me to the extreme. I do a lot for a lot of people. But no one knows who I am. I had a quote on my bulletin board at my church office (from whom I don't remember)that said "it is the spirit we have, not the work we do, which makes us important to the people around us." I'm not sure I have ever learned to "fix" this. It's absolutely unconscious. And probably comes from needing to be invisible in my family of origin to escape abuse, blah blah blah. I think in my last job people "got me," and I finally learned to "be" as well as "do." But still, no one really knows me. H used to, but hasn't for years and seems to have forgotten who I am.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hooozh,

I can definitely relate. My daughters used to sit there and YUKK IT UP with my wife, sometimes mere HOURS after having a tear-stained, heartfelt talk with me about how WRONG they thought she was being. I felt like they were somehow rubber-stamping their approval of her affair, even though I KNOW they weren't, and it made me PISSED.

They were merely loving their mom.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Not a bad idea...but talk to your doc first

Hey, I'm a nurse. We're the absolute worst patients! I usually adjust meds and then let my doctor know how it worked out. (Do as I say, of course, not as I do--don't try this at home!) But then--I worked for 6 years at a poison control center, know meds better than most doctors.

I'm studying up on rationalization--can you tell??!!

I know, eventually she will understand--if she doesn't already. And it's okay if she doesn't, 'cuz somebody's got to be the grownup here.

[hoosiermama]

Hi, Puppy--

Thanks. I know.

He just so doesn't deserve it. But she does.

[1hope]

Hey, I'm a nurse.

Yes you are. I forgot! I have just spent the last year and a half with some of the best (I think) nurses in the world. Oncology nurses Rock!

Then fast forward to the so called "medical professional" (student nurse & X family friend) that started the EA with my H - trying to help him "understand" my illness. Umm, sure. My head was still bald - give me a breaki! What a wack job.

By the way, how is your new job going? I know that you have had a rough time, and I admire your strenght and your humor.

You are quite right that somebody has to be the adult. But don't forget you can give yourself permission for time off once in a while.

I can tell that your D will grow up to be an amazing young woman, despite what pain your H may be causing, and maybe because of it.

Hope that you have a peaceful evening.

[hoosiermama]

I'm so sorry, somehow I missed reading your sitch! How awful--I can't even imagine what you must be going through.

I wonder if your H is similar to mine, in that he only has a limited capacity to be supportive and strong. In our crises, H was there for a time, then apparently found it overwhelming and left in one way or another. While it made me angry, scared and intensely lonely, I realize at this point that I have always been the strong one. H chose to take care of himself, over and over again. In the early days of our relationship, he was more supportive--but then, most people show their most positive traits when trying to establish a relationship. I think I've spent the past 17 years thinking that was the real H and waiting for him to reappear. But that was only a temporary persona. I hope that your H is different from that--I'm venting, not telling you to abandon all hope!

I hope that you have many other sources of support in your life! You'll always have us, at least!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi, Puppy--

Thanks. I know.

He just so doesn't deserve it. But she does.

[hoosiermama]

Ah, the new job. Well, it's interesting. Just to refresh your memory (!), I'm now a school nurse at an elementary school in the center city. All students qualify for free lunch--which means they're at or only slightly above poverty level. It's an overwhelmingly minority population. All children from homeless shelters attend this school, and there are dozens of social service agencies with personnel staffing there. So, it's a bit of a culture shock, after working in the fairly homogenous and spiritual culture of a Catholic parish. Now, I spent years working in an ER, several more years teaching paramedics and precepting on the street. But it's been awhile!

The vast majority of students have no concept of appropriate boundaries--so I have to model them. The past 2 days I've been cussed out by 4th and 5th graders (9-10 year olds). Every day there are fights during bus dropoff and pickup. Every day at least one student goes off and has some sort of acting out episode--throwing chairs, pushing desks into doors, that sort of thing (this is mental illness, not simply bad behavior). I don't have a role in handling those situations--there are several other staff members immensely more able to help.

Today, a half hour before the end of school, a teacher sent a student down for a lice check (sounds gross, but this is just a routine part of elementary school life). Of course she had them. She also had siblings at school, so I had to check them, as well as her entire class. And of course, I found other students with lice. Several kids missed the bus, and while I was calling to arrange rides for some, others' parents were calling to find out why their child wasn't on the bus. And they weren't happy! In fact, one mom cussed me out and slammed the phone down in my ear. As one of the social workers put it, at least the lice were happy, since no one else was! So I was late picking up my own D from school, and she was near panic.

Now, there are many other sweet, nice, non-pathological kids, some of whom I'm already developed positive relationships with. I'm sure it will all fit together better as I'm there longer. But I thought you might enjoy some interesting stories. Even if they involve head lice!