Hi Everybody, I am hoping this is the right area to post this. If not I apologize. I have made some dire mistakes in my marriage. I have been communicated with 2 different women (one was an EXGF) online in explicit, intimate conversations for the past few years.
Before I go any further please know that I have had the absolute worst year of my life up to this point, my career, which had been very promising, took a turn for the worse with the down economy - Not that this is an excuse for what happened at all. This however was the cause for the distance that occurred between us. I have always been the type of person to keep things inside rather than to communicate them with my wife. My distancing myself from her made her suspicious.
At the beginning of August she took my computer and searched through it and found some old emails that had been written. She assumed and questioned me about having an actual physical affair. I did not have a physical affair and I explained this to her. She didn't believe me. She left and moved in with her sister – who has since sworn me off as well.
That night I received a call from her father and threatening me with lawsuits, divorces, etc. I tried to explain to him how sorry I was about what had happened but he wanted no part of it. He was taking over the “investigation” and he was going to call his lawyer – who he had been to court with (and won with) 30 times - to get to the bottom of this.
He and my wife showed up at our house the next day, to collect some of her belongings, with a police officer (at my father in law’s request – and to the embarrassment of my wife) so there wouldn’t be any “trouble.” A few days later he told me that HE had decided that HE was going through with divorce proceedings.
The next day I received a call from her that was a mixture of anger and emotion. She yelled at me and also told me how much she loved me and missed me. At that point I had emailed the other women and explained to them that it was wrong for me to talk to them and that it had cost me my marriage and that I did not want to hear from them again. For the next week or so there were some emails going back and forth from my wife and I. She would question me about certain things and I would respond truthfully. I was feeling okay in that I felt like she was going through her healing process.
Things were quiet for about a week and then I received a call from the husband of one of the women. We talked for some time. He was very rational and he told me that his wife confessed to the online activity and that he forgave me for what had happened. He informed me that his wife had done this before only she had actually had a physical affair with another man. I was truly sorry for what had happened to him and I let him know that I respected the fact that he wanted to make things work with his wife.
A few days later he contacted my wife via email as part of his healing process. After their conversation, my wife absolutely lost it. She called me to scream at me and tell me she hated me and not to contact her or anyone in her family. Since then I have received a couple of emails from her with questions but it’s been silent for a few weeks.
A couple of weeks ago I was served divorce papers which had been filed around a week after everything had happened. Before everything happened, we had already scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor. I ended up going to the appointment and have gone – by myself – every week since. I went to confession and have been going to church every week as well. I have been praying every day since she left and I am hoping that we can reconcile.
My problem is that there is no communication at all. I have written her a few letters, apologizing for my actions and telling her that I am committed to finding out why I did the things that I did so that I can correct those mistakes. I haven’t received any response from her at all. I don’t know what else to do. She has shut out all of our mutual friends and she said that she can’t speak to my family (who oddly enough she had a better relationship with over her own.) Any suggestions? I miss her terribly and I don’t know what to do…Again, I apologize if this is not the right place to post my situation....
seaglass71 First bit of advice is for you to stop panicking and calm yourself down. No great decisions have been made when you're highly emotional.
You need to stop the chase. The more you appear to her as pursuing, (writing letters, pleading, begging, etc.) the more she'll distance herself from you.
Do not involve other people in your situation...not even your friends and family. They mean you well, but they're more apt to be protective of you and your feelings which will most likely counter your DB'ing efforts. Case in point, look at what your FIL is doing; don't let your family and friends do the same. Also, that "other husband" calling your W wasn't a good move, IMO, so no more other people running interference for you.
Lump your meddling FIL and so called "mutual friends" as an extension of your wife. Whatever you say or telegraph to them will undoubtedly reach her, so play it safe.
Even though she ("they") filed divorce, you still have time, believe it or not. Use that time wisely and work on your issues and bettering yourself. You can't control her (you never could), so direct that energy to healing yourself.
I could prattle on and on, but get yourself Divorce Remedy, if you haven't already done so, and read it cover-to-cover. When you're done with that, then read Divorce Busting. As great as a resource this board is, it's better to have a good DR/DB foundation when reading the threads here so things will click a lot faster.
Oh, and one last thing...buckle up. It's going to be a long and bumpy ride. You're on her time now. She's going to call the shots when she feels it's time, so detach yourself as best as you can from the whole sordid ordeal.
I haven't had any meaningful correspondence with my W for over a month, so believe me when I say that silence will be undoubtedly deafening the first few weeks, but it'll be drowned out soon enough by your positive mental attitude...if you consistently work on it.
Keep your chin up! I'll be checking in on you from time to time to see how things are going.
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
SeaGlass...this is the best advice I ever received when I was a newbie!! I still read it, it's kind of like a mini-DBbible to me It really got me through some unbearable days! We have all had the them....but truly time is on your side and patience is your friend.
this is Jen_Jam's top 10...God love her for creating it...it's a wonderful thing!! READ IT a few times and let it sink in!! It's good stuff!!
Most importantly take care of yourself. Do things..anything to get your mind off of the sitch. it will help
so on with the top 10:
This is Jen_Jam's famous top ten, It helped me keep my sanity...when I find myself getting down about all of this, I read it...it's good stuff, again thanks to jen_jam, for the famous top ten!!
1. Don't panic, no one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathizing with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favors whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certainly not in the early stages. You are not going to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Thanks COG, This makes a lot of sense. As you can imagine I have a tendency to try to "fix" things which is why I'm having a hard time with the silence. So are you saying that I should NOT send her any cards or letters at all?
Christarn, Thank you so much for the inspiration. As you know, it's a tough situation and as time goes on it gets harder and harder. I can only control my own actions and I am doing everything I can do to fix me. I need to learn to be more patient with this as it's out of my hands.
"So are you saying that I should NOT send her any cards or letters at all?"
That's exactly what I'm saying. After all the phone conversations, emails, and letters, what more do you have to say that haven't been said already? Better question - what more is there to say that your wife will be receptive to? Sounds to me all your correspondences haven't gotten you and your wife closer together. In fact, it's clear to a 3rd party observer that she's farther away than ever before. Didn't Einstein state that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time"?
Oftentimes us males are predisposed to apply solutions. And when those solutions don't work, we'll keep applying the same solutions but with more intensity. As Michele says in her books, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" is the absolute worst adage to apply when you're trying to save your marriage.
You need to try something different...something that'll get her attention and pique her curiosity.
Read Divorce Remedy. Pick up a copy at Barns & Noble or Borders if there's one nearby. That should be your first goal this weekend.
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
Looks like I need to sit back for now then. One other thing I failed to mention in my initial sitrep is that I met with an attorney as a response to her "papers" and we going to contact her lawyer to let him know that I had been going to counseling and that I didn't want to get divorced, etc. He was also going to find out if there was a chance to reconcile. Her attorney said that he didn't know either way and that he would send her a letter to see what she thought. that was approximately a week ago. I haven't heard anything either way. Just thought I'd add that in.
It's good that you got a lawyer, but don't rely on him/her to increase your chances of saving your M. Again, do not use anyone else to assist in your DB'ing efforts even if it's to pass messages/communicate. If your wife doesn't want to hear it from you, she certainly doesn't want to hear anything from your lawyer! At the end of the day, it's their job to protect you from harm if your marriage dissolves; they're not there to help save it. In other words, don't use a fork to drink soup.
You can use your lawyer to delay the D proceedings to buy you a bit more time(e.g. waiting the last possible moment to file a response, etc.). Know your rights and how D works in your state.
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
Just came from my weekly meeting with my MC. What is it with these people? He told me my situation sounds hopeless. Then he asked me how I felt about it???? What kind of a question is that.
On another note my WAW responded to a mutual friend that had emailed her the other day. She told her that She was sorry she hadn't been in touch with anybody but that she was feeling better now and wanted to see her soon...
It really got me through some unbearable days! We have all had the them....but truly time is on your side and patience is your friend.