Jayce's thread

[Bagheera]

We're all entitled to a bad day, Diane -- I'm sorry you are going through this, and feeling so angry and abandoned.

You asked:

1) Is this not just a form of manipulation in a way?

No. For me, it was a matter of proving to my wife that when I said that I intended to turn-around our relationship and make it significantly better, I bloody well meant it. She was initially extremely skeptical that I truly meant to do so, for the long term. She was primed to expect that yeah, I might really work at it for a few days, or a few weeks, but that it wouldn't last. When I first set out on this campaign, she'd talk to her mother on the phone, and my Mother-in-law would ask "Well, is he still in 'honeymoon-mode'? or has it worn off yet?" Niether one of them thought it would last. Or worse, they figured it was simply a ploy to 'get laid,' rather than an earnest effort on my part to show my love for my wife in a language that SHE WOULD UNDERSTAND, and to meet her needs for the first time in years.

Only after a few months of this, did I feel like I had the right to demand that she now do her part too. I wasn't asking her to tackle a VERY difficult issue for her in a vacuum, whilst I stood by. I wasn't playing the game of "I won't change until you do." I had *already* shown her that I meant business, and that I was fully capable and willing to meet her more than halfway in repairng things.

In other words, I actively acknowledged MY PART of the relationship problem, and then showed her that I was able and willing to do something about --> that I was willing to change for her (for us), BEFORE asking her to change herself.

2)How about HIM accepting ME for me, and dealing with the issue at hand.

In an ideal relationship, you're right: that's all it should have taken to get him to address the problem. But life is never fair, is it?

In nearly every case, the LD spouse has an extremely difficult time accepted and acknowledging the pain that the lack of physical intimacy causes the HD spouse. They all do. My wife did. It means (1) recognizing the pain that they have caused over the course of YEARS to you, and (2) it means shattering the belief that "Who needs sex? What's the big deal? I don't need it or want it...so my partner shouldn't either."

For over 20 years my wife never really understood what physical intimacy means to me. That's an extremely long time, and she knows me better than anyone else. It took months of relationship work on my part, a reading of Chapter 1 of the SSM, and the knowledge that if we didn't fix that aspect of our relationship that I was going to leave her, before she finally GOT IT --> she *finally* understood how vital it was to me, and by extension, to us.

Before that, she figured it was on a mental par with, say, fine chocolate. Sure he wants it all the time, but he should be able to live without it. It's just chocolate, so be happy when you get it occasionally, but don't expect it all the time.

They just don't get it, Diane, before that epiphany occurs. So your job is to 'set the stage' for that epiphany, and make the possibility of it happening as sure as you can.

-- B.